A Different Year
by page-threehundredandninetyfour
Summary: Lily always hated James for his ignorance, bullying of others and constant need to impress her and ask her out. But when James' parents die his whole world crumbles. Will Lily see the change and give him a second chance? Their seventh year at Hogwarts resembles no other and is full of surprises...
1. The Letters

**The Letters**

_"So this is where you fell  
And I am left to sail  
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell  
Right to the top  
Don't look back"_

_Imagine Dragons- It's Time_

James had always been quite confident when it came to his appearances, but not anymore. These days, he avoided all sorts of mirrors and cameras whenever he could since they were all reminders of how much he'd changed.

His pale face. The dark circles under his eyes due to lack of sleep. His hair that was even untidier than usual. If it weren't for the fact that he moved, blinked and breathed, despite everything, one might think that he was actually dead.

He looked dead. He felt dead. And he _hated _it.

As soon as he'd wiped away the fog from the mirror that hang on the wall in his aunt's bathroom, he looked away. He couldn't stand seeing himself in there.

Couldn't bring himself to face what he'd become. What he'd lost.

James took a deep breath and closed his eyes slowly, muttering under his breath:

"Get a grip"

That's what he told himself whenever this happened, whenever he felt like he was about to break. His aunt didn't like it, said that he should welcome all feelings rather than trying to pretend like they didn't exist. And even though trying to pull himself together hardly ever actually _worked _James didn't want to feel. At all. Because he'd never been good at expressing his feelings, or even admitting that he had any.

James Potter had always been that person who laughed it off, refused to cry or show even the smallest sign of weakness whenever he hurt. He was that strong, confident young man who got good grades without even trying and who impressed girls with his Qudditch skills and witty remarks.

Well, of course Lily Evans had never been one of thos girls. And perhaps he'd been this weak all along. Perhaps she was the only one who saw right through him. He'd asked her out so many times he'd lost count and he'd tried his best to impress her during the last couple of years and yet he'd never, not once, told her how he actually _felt_ about her. How the bare sight of her made him feel like he could do anything. How she was the only one who could make him smile whenever he felt like giving up.

Talking feelings had never been James' thing.

But for some reason, his aunt just wouldn't see that. Ever since he got here, over a month ago, she'd reminded him at least once a day that he could talk to her whenever he felt like it and that it'd just make it worse to hold it all back.

He was sick of it. Sick of _her_, even though he knew how much she'd done for him ever since they passed away. How she'd let him spend all time inside the house since he, at first, hadn't even been able to go outside. How she'd stayed up with him for hours when he didn't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares that constantly haunted him.

They still did, and that was the worst thing about all this. That it just never... _stopped_. In fact, James almost felt like it got worse every day.

"James, I need to use the bathroom! Are you done soon?"

His aunt knocked on the door, but her voice was gentle and he knew that if he only told her to give him another couple of minutes, she would. But what was the point? He might as well rotten in his bedroom as in here. Not that it was _his _bedroom, he hadn't been to his house ever since that day, and he didn't think he'd ever be able to go back.

He unlocked the door leading into the bathroom and his aunt gave him a small smile, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Good morning, I've made breakfast downstairs if you want some"

James forced himself to smile back, but it felt more like a grimace.

"Thank you. I just have to get dressed..."

"Of course, take your time!"

His aunt waved her hand impatiently and as soon as she'd closed the door behind her James was left alone in the hallway, thinking about how everybody treated him like a bomb that might explode at any second. Sirius, Remus and Peter had sent him tons of letters and yet he'd thrown most of them away without even tearing open the envelopes.

They pitied him. Wanted to know how he was. If he'd come back to Hogwarts when summer was over.

Those was all questions James didn't know how to answer. And he didn't want people to feel sorry for him. After all, _he _was still here. _He _wasn't the one whose last sight had been a bright, green light...

_Stop it_.

He tried to think of something, _anything_, to get his mind off his parents as he got dressed. Truth to be told, he would have enjoyed just going back to sleep but he knew it'd worry his aunt which meant he'd never hear the end of it. Besides, if he was awake he could at least control his thoughts...

So James made his way downstairs, one step at the time, trying to focus on nothing but breathing. Walking. Getting through another day in hell.

_Get a grip._

**Lily**

Lily Evans stirred in bed, keeping her eyes shut even though she knew that she would not be able to ignore the sunlight for much longer. When she finally gave up, and cast a quick glance at the alarm clock on her bedside table, she realized that it was only 8:30 AM. Far too early to get up on a morning in August when she had nothing special to attend to during the day.

"Dad!" she groaned, for he was the one who'd pulled her curtains aside, and covered her head with her pillow. "Why won't you and mum just let me _sleep_? It's called 'summer _holidays_' for a reason, you know!"

But her dad simply ignored her comment and ruffled his daughter's bright red hair playfully before pointing out:

"You said that yesterday, remember? Besides, it's Sunday and we always have breakfast together on Sundays"

"And that would be a very nice tradition..." Lily muttered under her breath while slowly sitting up in bed, wiping the sleep out of her eyes. "... If Tuney didn't act like a complete assh..."

"Lily Evans!" her dad exclaimed, trying his best to look angry but failing quite miserably.

"It's the truth!" Lily lay down in bed again, a pouty look on her freckled face. "She's treated me horribly ever since I got home for Christmas during my first year at Hogwarts and..."

"...And avoiding having breakfast with her is _not _going to help" her dad interrupted her and there was something in his voice that told Lily that this conversation was over. "Now get dressed and we'll see you downstairs in a couple of minutes, okay?"

"Fine" Lily snapped, rolling her eyes as her dad left her alone.

She waited until he'd closed the door behind him before she slowly got out of bed, squinting at the sunlight that shined in through the two big windows in her bedroom. It was a beautiful morning; the sky was clear blue and when opening one of the windows to get some fresh air Lily felt that it was also quite hot outside.

With the lovely weather, and with birds singing from somewhere in the distance, she couldn't help getting in a better mood as she got dressed and put her long hair up in a messy ponytail. She quickly made her bed and was just about to leave her bedroom and head downstairs to have breakfast with her family, but something caught her attention right as she put her hand on the doorhandle. Something lying on her writing desk. Something she hadn't been able to throw away even though it had arrived weeks earlier and even though she'd re-read so many times she'd lost count, without really knowing why.

The article about Mr and Mrs Potter's, James' parents, deaths in _The Daily Prophet. _

It had been a bit of a shock for Lily when the owl had arrived with the paper that morning around a month ago and she'd spotted the headline covering half the front page.

**MR AND MRS POTTER MURDERED  
Likely the work of supporters of You-know-who.**

She'd read the article, her hands trembling slightly, and found it quite hard to take any of it in. Of course she'd heard a lot about this "You-know-who" by now, whose real name was Lord Voldemort, but she'd never expected him to get this close... That he'd get to someone she knew. To James. It worried her.

Naturally, she still hated Potter for everything he'd done and said through the years but she'd never wish _that _upon anyone. Ever. And according to the Prophet, James had actually been there when it happened. He'd watched the whole thing.

Having to experience something like that, Lily could scarcely imagine it... Shivering at the bare thought, she tore her gaze away from the paper and opened the door leading into the bedroom.

It was one breakfast a week she had to have with Petunia. One. She could handle it.

**James**

"Your Hogwarts letter has arrived"

How his aunt had managed to get to the kitchen before him, when she had still been in the shower whilst he got dressed, was a big mystery. Perhaps he'd tried to be as slow as possible, for spending time with any other human being, including his aunt, was exhausting.

James sat down by the kitchen table, his voice empty as he replied:

"Great"

He could see his aunt's worried gaze from the corner of his eye.

"Well, aren't you going to open it? It seems slightly thicker than usual..."

"But it's not" James interrupted her, spreading some butter on a piece of toast simply because he knew he wouldn't get away with eating nothing. "I was made Quidditch captain _last_ year, remember?"

That was a year ago. A whole year, 365 days, had passed since he'd received that letter that had made both him and his parents so proud. He'd kept the badge on his bedside table, looking at it every night before he went to sleep with a huge grin on his face. Now, it was hard to see how something like that could ever be so important...

His aunt interrupted his thoughts:

"Well, we still need to go to Diagon Alley and buy your new books and since I'm not very fond of opening other people's mail..."

James rolled his eyes and snatched the letter from her.

"Fine" he snapped, but realized a second later that it was a big mistake since her face quickly expression changed.

After a short silence she put her hand on his arm again.

"Look, if you're not ready to go back..."

"I want to go back" James said shortly, slowly tearing the envelope open. "Besides, I have no choice unless I don't want to graduate"

His aunt looked like she wanted to oppose but remained silent, watching as James pulled out the first piece of parchment that said that he was welcome to his seventh and last year at Hogwarts. The next piece of parchment was the traditional booklist and he read many new titles he'd never heard of before, probably books he needed to pass his NEWT exams. The bare thought of that made him panic.

"James... What is this?"

He looked up from the booklist at the sound of surprise in his aunt's voice and a second later he realized why; she was holding a badge in her hand that had accidentally fallen out of the envelope, and a big smile spread across her face.

James opened his mouth to ask what it was all about but then decided on reading the last piece of parchment that the Hogwarts owl had brought with it. It was written in Mc Gonagall's handwriting.

_Dear mr Potter!  
We are pleased to inform you that the headmaster himself, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, has chosen you as this year's head boy. Please note that this post comes with a lot of responsibility and you will from now on always have to consider that you're a role model to younger students and the teachers' right hand._

_You will meet with the other prefects and the head girl in the front carriage of the Hogwarts Express on September the first, at 11:30 AM. Please be on time._

_Yours sincerely_

_M. Mc Gonagall_

Before James could say anything, or even properly react, his aunt squealed in delight.

"You're head boy! Oh James, I'm so proud of you!"

He was quiet for a few seconds and then slowly put the letter down, saying:

"This has to be a mistake. They must have sent it wrong. I wasn't even a prefect, Remus is the one who should have the badge..."

"Don't be stupid" his aunt interrupted him, handing him the head boy badge. "It says 'J. P' right here, last time I checked those were _not_ Remus Lupin's initials"

James paled slightly and he couldn't help feeling a bit sick. If this was not a mistake, which it had to be, that meant that this year would come with more responsibility than he could ever handle. How could he be a "role model" to the younger students and the teachers' "right hand" if he could barely take care of himself at the moment?

"Your parents would have been so proud. I know they always dreamed of this"

His aunt's voice was soft and the tears forming in her eyes made James look away. He couldn't stand it. And he knew that what she said was the truth. His dad had always said that he knew that there was more to his son than "pulling pranks and playing Quidditch" and his mum had always agreed.

They'd believed in him. Could he let them down now? He already knew the answer to that question.

"I'm sure you will do a great job"

James shook his head slowly, laughing hollowly.

"No" he said. "No, I won't"

At least not compared to the head girl, and he had a feeling who that might be...

**Lily**

Lily tried to make her way down the stairs as slowly as possible, thinking that every second that she didn't have to spend in Petunia's company was worth cherishing. Once she reached the kitchen she found her mum, dad and sister already seated by the table.

"Good morning darling!"

Mrs Evans hurried forward and kissed her daughter on the cheek. Lily smiled, sitting down opposite her sister and next to her father who was busy reading the paper.

"Good morning mum. Do we have any eggs? I'm starving!"

"Help yourself then" Petunia snarled but Lily didn't have time to retort before their mother interrupted them both:

"Girls, it's a Sunday morning and we're supposed to have breakfast together. _Please_ be civil!"

Petunia looked pleased at the surprised look on her sister's face and once her mother was out of earshot, for she'd started preparing eggs, Lily muttered under her breath:

"Un. Bloody. Believable. I didn't even..."

"Honey, can you please explain to me again how these pictures can _move_?"

Mr Evans furrowed and glanced at his wife over the top of the newspaper which Lily, just now, realized was today's copy of _The Daily Prophet. _Her mum sighed slightly, heaving some eggs onto her youngest daughter's plate while answering:

"I don't know dear, it's just magic, isn't it? Why don't you ask Lily? After all, it's her paper..."

"Her _freak_ paper..." Petuniasaid, giving Lily a fake smile which she ignored before answering her dad's question by posing another one:

"When did that arrive?"

She nodded towards the paper in her dad's hands. He slowly folded it together and handed it to his daughter.

"Right before you came downstairs. The owl didn't seem willing to leave at first so I gave him two of those funny looking coins you showed me..."

"Sickles"

"Oh right, that's what they're called"

Lily scanned the front page of the newspaper, only to realize that nothing very exciting had happened since yesterday, and thanked her mum for the eggs. Once they'd all sat down to eat she turned to look at her dad again.

"Why would you read the Prophet, dad? I'm sure there's not much for you in there"

She didn't miss the glance her parents exchanged. Ever since she was a child that look had meant that they were both referring to something that they didn't want their daughters to know about. However, Lily was far too curious to let it go now.

"What?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

Her mum took a long sip from her coffee, as if she needed some time to find the right words.

"Nothing is wrong, sweeheart. Your dad and I just... Well, we thought that it might be good for us to be a bigger part of your world. We send you off to Hogwarts every year and yet we have no idea what's going on in the wizarding world..."

"Well..." Mr Evans interrupted his wife, clearing his throat slightly. "It's not entirely true that we know _nothing_ of your world. I mean, you've told us things..."

"But why now?" Lily asked. "You've never bothered reading a wizarding newspaper before"

Her parents exchanged another glance and now, even Petunia looked up from her plate to listen to the conversation that seemed to be heading in a quite serious direction.

"We're a bit... worried" Mrs Evans finally said, her voice low as she looked right into her youngest daughter's eyes. "Are you sure that you should be going back this year?"

Lily looked from her mum to her dad, expecting them to burst out laughing and say that it was all a joke. But they didn't. Eventually, she snorted in disbelief.

"You're joking...?"

"Yeah I hope you are too, because I couldn't stand having her around _all _year" Petunia pointed out but once again Lily ignored her.

What had put this thought into her parents' head? They had always found her education at Hogwarts nothing but interesting and a great experience for her. And not going back simply wasn't an option. This was her last year. Her NEWT year. The year where she might finally become...

"And what about this dark wizard who's gaining power?" Lily's mum asked, suddenly looking deadly serious. "You told us he hates muggleborns..."

"Mum" Lily said, taking a deep breath not to lose it. "Hogwarts is probably the safest place to be if You-know-who gets even stronger and more powerful. Dumbledore is there..."

She missed the look her sister sent her at the mention of the old wizard's name and soon continued:

"...and _nothing _will happen to me with Dumbledore around. I promise you I'll be fine"

There was a short silence. Her dad finally took a minute to wipe his glasses on his shirt and then, looking up at Lily again, he said:

"Well... I guess we can't make you stay..."

"But what about that couple, then?" Mrs Evans still looked very upset when giving her husband an angry look. "The one you read about up in Lily's room a couple of days ago?"

Lily furrowed.

"A couple?"

But she'd barely uttered the words before realization hit her.

"You mean the Potters"

Her mum's eyes widened in surprise.

"Their name was Potter? Isn't that the name of that boy who always bothers you at school? The one who's in love with you?"

"He's their son..." Lily mumbled, and once again her thoughts drifted off to how James must be doing at the moment. "And he's not _in love _with me mum, he tries to impress all girls with his _amazing _Quidditch skills and bullying..."

But that was not entirely true. Sure, almost every girl Lily knew at Hogwarts had had a crush on James at least once but he'd never annoyed any of them the way he annoyed her. He paid far too much attention to her, and she hated it.

"But he's never bullied _you_, has he?"

"No" Lily shook her head. "But he and his friends are always so mean to Sev..."

She drifted off. Even speaking her former best friend's name hurt. She hadn't spoken to him all summer and last year in school he'd practically ignored her all the time. Perhaps their friendship was over for good, perhaps they were now too different. But despite the fact that he was now only hanging out with evil slytherins who were likely to become death eaters within a couple of years, she missed him.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud snort coming from Petunia.

"Well, I don't blame anyone who thinks bad of _him_..."

It was a lucky thing that the two sisters were sitting on different sides of the kitchen table, because otherwise Lily was pretty sure she would have jumped right at her. She'd had enough. Over the years she'd done her best to befriend Petunia again, to fix the relationship they'd once shared and make her believe that she was still the same Lily she'd always been.

But Petunia had refused to listen and now, six years later, Lily didn't even bother trying anymore. She just _hated _her sister's mean remarks about everything that had to do with magic.

Suddenly, Petunia shrieked and it only took Lily a second to figure out why; a big, brown owl was flying in through the open kitchen window and landed right in front of her. She could tell from the letter it held in its beak that it came from Hogwarts and her heart skipped a beat.

This was it. The letter that could change everything. All summer she'd hoped, without admitting it to anyone in case someone else would get it...

Not even her sister's "GET THAT FILTHY OWL AWAY!" made her look up from the envelope she was now tearing open, holding her breath...

**Author's note: Those who read this should know that English is not my first language and that's one reason why this story will never be "perfect". Please let me know if you find some grammar and/or spelling mistakes that bother you.**

**I'm pretty sure this plot has been done many times before but I figured I'd give it a try anyway. I have always wondered what made James change and Lily to fall in love with him after having "hated" him for so long. Please leave a review if you liked it and want me to continue :)**


	2. Making Plans

**Making Plans**

_"Saw a Border  
Tasted it too long  
I only know one role  
Now I know it's gone"_

_Coldplay- Up In Flames_

The moment she'd torn the envelope open it fell out- the badge that she'd been dreaming of ever since she first came to Hogwarts at age eleven. The head girl badge with her initials, L.E, on it. Lily slowly picked it up from the kitchen table and squealed.

The reaction was immediate: her mother jumped up from her chair at the sound and Petunia almost spilled out her tea that she was just about to take a sip from. Mr Evans exclaimed:

"What's wrong Lily?!"

But Lily couldn't bring herself to explain. She was still too overwhelmed, too happy, and all she managed to say was:

"I GOT IT! I ACTUALLY GOT IT!"

"What did you get honey?" her mother asked and grabbed her Hogwarts letter to see if she could find anything out of the ordinary. "This letter looks just like they always do..."

Lily sighed impatiently, holding up the badge for her whole family to see.

"Not the letter! _This!"_

And then, realization finally dawned upon both her parents' faces and judging from the sour look Petunia gave her she also knew what this was about. After all, Lily had talked about it ever since she returned home for Christmas during her first year at Hogwarts. Her mother gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

"Oh Lily! Is it really...?"

Lily nodded, smiling widely.

"I'm head girl!"

"Oh, well done! We are so proud of you!"

Her father gave her a bone-breaking hug and Lily laughed.

"Dad... Can't... breathe..."

"We know how much you've always wanted this!" he exclaimed as he finally let her go. "This is definitely worth celebrating!"

Lily could see from the corner of her eye how Petunia rolled her eyes demonstratively and then grabbed the muggle newspaper to have something to hide her face behind. But at that moment, not even she could ruin Lily's good mood.

"We'll have a special dinner tonight and you'll get to choose the food"

Her mother interrupted her thoughts, beaming at her youngest daughter who hugged her tightly.

"That sounds great, mum. But nothing too big, I don't want you to overdo yourself"

Unlike arrogant and self absorbed people like James Potter and the other marauders Lily had never appreciated it when all light was on her and she hated getting too much attention. In fact, it felt almost... embarrassing.

Her father curiously eyed the piece of parchment where Professor Mc Gonagall congratulated her on becoming head girl and then asked his daughter:

"So... I take it you have a lot of responsibility now?"

Lily nodded, grinning. To her, the thought was not at all frightening but rather exciting.

"I guess so. Together with the head boy I'll lead all the prefects and..."

But she drifted off, for Petunia suddenly stood up and marched out of the kitchen without a word. A second later she slammed the front door shut and from the kitchen window they could all see her walking away from the house. Mrs Evans sighed tiredly.

"I guess she's just jealous..."

"I'll go talk to her..." Mr Evans started but Lily interrupted him:

"No, dad... Can I go?"

Her parents both looked very surprised, giving each other a quick look before Lily's mother started:

"Of course you can honey, but I'm not sure..."

"It's worth a try"

And with those words, Lily followed her sister out of the house. For some reason, she'd suddenly decided upon trying one more time. She'd never admit it out loud, but she missed what she and Petunia had once had and if there was anything she could do to get at least some of it back...

"Petunia!" she called and to her great surprise she found that her sister actually turned around, glaring at her, arms crossed.

"What do you want, _Lily_?" she snarled.

For a moment, her question left Lily speechless. After all these years... What _did _she want, really? Merlin, this was awkward... She swallowed twice before whispering:

"I... I don't want this"

Petunia raised her eyebrows, her eyes still cold.

"What do you mean? I thought you'd always dreamed of that bloody badge..."

"You know that's not what I meant"

They both fell silent. Lily took a deep breath and then nodded towards the pair of swings that could be seen from where they now stood. Years ago they'd both sat there, playing, and Petunia had always scolded Lily for jumping so high and still landing on her feet. Of course, back then she hadn't known that she was a witch.

Back then they'd been best friends.

"Remember when we used to play together over there, every day?"

She nodded towards the swings and Petunia snorted.

"Yes, before you met that _boy_..."

Lily did her best to ignore the way her sister talked about Severus. It was easier when thinking of what he'd become and how he'd called her a mudblood back in fifth year...

"Tuney, I don't understand why it has to be like this or why we can't be friends anymore! I don't know anything about your life! You've been dating that Vernon Dursley for over half a year and I still haven't had the chance to see him since you're afraid I might embarrass you or behave like the freak you think I am"

Lily shook her head slowly, realizing that it was the first time in years that she was perfectly honest with her sister, and it felt so nice to finally get it all out.

"I don't understand what I ever did... to make you hate me so much"

Come to think of it, having a conversation like this with your _sister _was everything but normal... But Lily had gotten used to it. She and Petunia belonged in different worlds and Petunia despised her for it.

"I don't hate you"

Lily looked up, barely noticing that her mouth was left half open as she was so astounded by her sister's words. What had she just said? Now, it was Petunia's turn to swallow and she looked away for a second before meeting Lily's gaze again. And for once, there was no hatred in her eyes.

Just sadness. And it hurt even worse.

"I hate how you're always the lucky one, the loved one, the..."

She drifted off and Lily filled in:

"Tuney, mum and dad love you so much, you know that..."

"But you're the one they're proud of!" Petunia exclaimed and Lily could have sworn she saw tears erupting in her sister's dark eyes. "You always do everything right, you just..."

She stopped speaking again, Lily could feel her heart beating faster than normal. She was almost afraid of what might come next, even though Petunia didn't sound the slightest angry.

"You don't know how lucky you are"

And then she turned around again and left Lily alone, staring after her and feeling like the loneliest person in the world.

Once she got back inside she could tell from the look on her parents' faces that they'd watched the whole thing from the kitchen window and her mother gave her another hug.

"You tried, sweetheart" she said softly. "That makes us really happy"

Lily could only bring herself to nod and sat down by the kitchen table again to finish her breakfast. She pretended to read the Daily Prophet just so she wouldn't have to say anything, but her mother didn't seem to take the hint since she asked:

"So... Any idea who the head boy might be?"

Lily shrugged. One might think that that would be the first thought to pop into her mind but with Petunia's outburst she'd completely forgotten about the fact that she was now head girl. Of course she was interested in finding out who the head boy was, though. After all, they'd share a living space during this school year.

"It could be Remus Lupin" she said and her dad asked:

"Isn't he one of those mean boys that you don't like?"

Lily shook her head slowly.

"Remus is not that bad..." she said, taking a sip from her hot chocolate that had gone almost cold by now. "Potter is the real deal, and there's no risk Dumbledore has chosen _him_"

That was actually true. There was no one Lily couldn't imagine sharing living quarters with- apart from Potter. That would be like hell on earth, too bad to even imagine. He'd try to ask her out every morning she went down for breakfast...

_No _she thought happily, finishing her breakfast. _I have nothing to worry about. It'll probably be Remus, or one of the Ravenclaw prefects._

Not Potter. Definitely not Potter.

**James**

"Where are you going?"

James couldn't help thinking that his aunt's question was quite stupid, since he was sure she already knew the answer to it. After all, this had been one of his daily rituals for weeks now and he was dressed in shorts, t-shirt and sneakers.

"Out"

Before she had time to reply he exited the house and slammed the front door shut, trying his best to ignore the feeling of guilt. He knew his aunt had good intentions, and that she was doing her best to help him, but there were times when he simply couldn't stand even her company.

Like now.

After plugging the headphones into his ears he started running the same way he always did, knowing that the chance of meeting someone was very small. He started off in a slow tempo but after only a couple of minutes he sped up, truly enjoying the ache in his muscles and the feeling of exhaustion.

In the beginning he hadn't been very good at ignoring it and he hadn't managed to go very far before he had to stop to catch his breath. But now, that feeling was the _reason _why he was out there. He needed this pain, and it was the only thing that could take his mind off everything else.

And no matter how much it hurt, how tired he was and how fast his heart pounded, it was better than the alternative. Better than the pain that came with remembering.

Usually, James also tried to keep his focus on the music but today it seemed impossible. He felt angry, or rather _furious_, when thinking about the Hogwarts letter that had arrived the same morning. Who did Mc Gonagall and Dumbledore think they were, giving him a position like that? What had he ever done to deserve it?

Nothing. He'd never showed much responsibility or acted like a role model to the younger students. In fact, he'd been behaving like an ass most of the time.

So why? What was the bloody point of it?

He didn't want to see people raise their eyebrows and hear them say "Potter? Why did they make _Potter _head boy?"

Why indeed.

Eventually, James had to stop running and when standing there with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath, he silently made himself a promise.

He'd try. His parents would have wanted him to and letting them down would make him drown in guilt. And if it didn't work out, if he lost it completely, he'd walk straight to Dumbledore's office and make him give the badge to Remus instead. To someone who actually _deserved _it.

_And you'll feel like an even bigger loser than before._

James tried to ignore the voice in his head, turned around and started running back home again. He'd only be in trouble if he let his aunt worry.

**Lily**

_Dear Alice_

_I hope you had a good time with your family in Spain and that you remembered to use sun lotion! If you have time I'd love to see some photos, since I've always wanted to go there! I really miss you and I haven't been up to much since you left. _

_The weather is beautiful and I've spent a lot of time outside, but Petunia still seems to hate me just as much as she always has. Something strange happened today, though. We actually talked and exchanged more than a couple of mean remarks. I don't think that's happened in years... I got the feeling she's jealous of me and she seems to think that mum and dad love me more than they love her, which is total rubbish. I hope she realizes that soon enough and that she'll let me meet her new boyfriend Vernon. According to mum and dad he's not the nicest of men..._

_But on to some happier news! I got my Hogwarts letter today and guess what? I'M HEAD GIRL! I guess you if someone knows how much I've always wanted this and I couldn't be more happy. Who do you think is head boy? I reckon it could be Remus or one of the Ravenclaw prefects..._

_I'd love to go shopping for the new school year together, do you think we could meet up in Diagon Alley on Friday? I think it'd be best not to bring my parents this year, all posters of wanted dark witches and wizards would only frighten them... Can you believe they asked me this morning if I really have to go back? My dad accidentally read the article about the murder of the Potters in the Daily Prophet..._

_Please answer as fast as you can and let me know about Friday. See you soon!_

_Love  
Lily_

Once Lily had finished her letter, which got a bit longer than she'd first intended it to be, she gave it to her owl Barty and let him out her bedroom window. She really hoped that Alice would be able to go to Diagon Alley on Friday, since she felt like she needed to get away from home for a short while and just talk to her best friend.

She and Alice had been close ever since their very first day at Hogwarts when they were both placed in Gryffindor. They spent almost all time together at school and visited each other during the holidays. In fact, Alice had stayed with Lily's family for almost two weeks before she went to Spain. Petunia hadn't been very pleasant and even though Lily had warned her friend she felt embarrassed about her sister's behavior.

She absentmindedly watched Barty disappear out of sight and then, her gaze once again landed on the old copy of the Daily Prophet, lying on her writing desk. She knew that James was an only child. He didn't have any siblings to share his grief with. Also, Lily had always been under the impression that he was quite spoiled. Being an orphan must be a huge change for him.

_James Potter was an orphan._

It was an odd thought. Lily couldn't imagine someone like him, someone so confident and unbothered, have to go through something like that. But then again, he was James Bloody Potter. He'd probably just laugh it off, pretend like nothing had happened...

Lily sighed heavily, thinking that her very annoying classmate had taken up enough of her thoughts this day. And whether Petunia hated her or not, Lily was lucky to have her. And with that in mind, she headed back downstairs to have lunch with her family.

**James**

After having taken a shower James returned to his bedroom, only to find the pile of letters lying on his writing desk. He rolled his eyes, thinking about how his aunt would never let him throw them away.

The one lying on the top was from Remus and judging from the date on the back he'd written it only two days earlier. James picked it up, recognizing his friend's neat handwriting on the envelope. He'd avoided answering letters all summer, but he had to face all of his friends in only a couple of weeks. And when that day came, he had to be prepared to be at least a little social...

He might as well start practicing now.

While getting dressed James tore the envelope open and quickly scanned through the text that one of his best friends had written:

_James_

_You should know that I'm not blaming you for not answering any of my letters, and neither does Sirius and Peter. We really miss you, though. Sirius came to my place a couple of weeks ago and he'll stay here until September the first when it's time to return to school. Will we see you there? Please let us know._

James stopped reading. Usually, Sirius came to stay with _him _during the summer holidays. His family was practically mental and James' parents had never minded taking Sirius in, treating him almost like a second son...

Now, it would never be like that again. To get his mind off the matter James continued reading:

_Peter is still in Wales visiting his cousin, but Sirius and I were thinking of heading to Diagon Alley on Friday to buy our new school supplies. We would really like you to come with us, but of course we understand if you don't feel like it._

_It would make us really happy if you at least sent a reply to let us know that you're alive. Hope your aunt treats you well. _

_See you  
Remus_

James slowly put the letter down, thinking about everything that Remus had said. Of course he, too, needed to buy new school supplies but he'd never really thought of how and when. Truth to be told, he didn't feel like being around so many people at once and walk into shop after shop, thinking that it was all pointless...

And above all, he didn't want to see people from Hogwarts who'd look at him with pity and whisper whenever he passed them by. He'd get enough of that once he got back to school, anyway.

_No_, James thought, shaking his head slightly even though there was no one there to see. _I'm not doing it._

He hoped that his aunt would do his shopping for him and that he'd at least come up with some good reason to why he hadn't managed to reply to a single one of his friends' letters. He knew he owed Sirius, if anyone, an explanation.

An explanation to why he'd changed. Why things would never be the same. And that he was still trying to adjust, feeling like he failed again and again.

**Author's note: I know that James might seem very, very depressed right now but I promise that that will change, eventually... **

**Please REVIEW if you want me to continue! :)**


	3. Diagon Alley

**Diagon Alley**

_"There's a bird that nests inside you  
Sleeping underneath your skin  
Yeah, when you open up your wings to speak  
I wish you'd let me in"_

_Counting Crows- A Murder Of One_

James could tell the minute he came down to have breakfast on Friday morning that his aunt had something on her mind- something that she wanted to talk to him about. Bracing himself for whatever news she might have, he sat down and grabbed a piece of toast without a word.

"I was doing some cleaning in your bedroom the other night..." she started, avoiding eye contact by pouring herself some tea. "... And I happened to see that letter Remus sent you"

James was just about to ask "Which one?" since he knew that Remus, Sirius and Peter had all sent him what felt like at least a hundred letters this summer. But then, he came to think of what Remus' last letter, the only one he'd actually read, had been about.

It was obvious where his aunt was trying to get.

When he didn't reply she raised her eyebrows somewhat.

"About Diagon Alley? Today?"

"I don't want to go"

Judging from the look on her face James' aunt was not at all surprised by what he'd just said. Instead, she gave him that look that he'd seen so many times before. The one he hated when people gave him.

"But wouldn't it be nice to see your friends again?"

"I'll see them once I go back to school, won't I?"

He barely felt prepared for _that _and therefore, going to Diagon Alley today was completely out of question. His aunt sighed and slowly put her tea cup down to be able to look her sister's son right in the eye.

"James... I know you have been going through a lot this summer..."

_You don't say?_

"... But I think it might be good for you to do things that you did before... before..."

"Why? So I can pretend like everything's fine?"

He interrupted his aunt mostly because he didn't want her to finish that sentence. James hated how his voice trembled and he dropped her gaze. He knew that looking into her eyes, which resembled his mother's so much, would only make it worse. He swallowed twice before continuing:

"Because it's not. It's not fine"

"I know that" His aunt placed her hand on his arm. "But this behavior of yours, spending all days up in your room or outside running all alone... It's not healthy"

What annoyed James the most was how she acted as if he didn't know. As if he _wanted _this and considered it _normal. _If he'd ever been normal, he sure as hell wasn't anymore. Nothing was.

But what could he do about it?

"I'm worried about you"

"Don't be"

He stood up, abandoned his half-finished piece of toast and prepared to leave the kitchen. To say that he'd lost his appetite was an understatement and he didn't want to ruin the entire day by listening to this. He felt guilty enough as it was and he didn't need his aunt's worries on top of it. However, he didn't make it very far before she stopped him by saying:

"I'm supposed to send you off to Hogwarts in only a couple of weeks. How am I supposed to know that you'll be okay if you keep this up?"

He was on the verge of losing it. James stood with his back facing his aunt and his eyes closed, trying to take a deep breath. But his heart had already started to pound faster and he could literally _feel_ the anger build up inside of him. The only problem was, he couldn't tell exactly what or who he was angry with.

"Going with your friends to Diagon Alley might make you feel just a little..."

"DO YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE?"

This time, James managed perfectly fine to ignore the look of surprise on his aunt's face when he interrupted her and raised his voice. He was so upset he was shaking.

"BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE PERSON PASSING ME BY WILL STARE THEIR EYES OUT! IT WAS ON THE DAILY PROPHET'S BLOODY _FRONT PAGE! _AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE IT AND I DON'T _WANT _PITY, CAN'T YOU JUST GET THAT?"

It was nice, getting it all out like that. When James had finished yelling he was out of breath, but the look on his aunt's face made him wish he hadn't spoken up in the first place.

"I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to..."

She didn't deserve this. She'd taken him in, abandoned her old life to help him when he needed her the most. She had been there for him, every single day since they passed away. And he was an idiot for treating her this way.

"No. Don't apologize for admitting how you feel, James" his aunt said softly, shaking her head. "I _want _you to be honest with me and I was wrong trying to convince you to go to Diagon Alley. I'll do your shopping for you, if you want"

James could only bring himself to nod. It was difficult to describe the relief that washed over him and yet he knew that it wasn't a good thing that he was still this weak. He _should _be able to tackle it and accompany his friends to Diagon Alley by now.

But he simply wasn't ready. Not yet.

"Thank you" he finally said, his voice low.

His aunt nodded and gave him a small and yet sad smile that James wished he could return.

"Of course"

**Lily**

"Ugh! I knew seventh year would be tough but I never expected _this_!" Alice grimaced as she handed over all the books that she was going to buy to the lady working in Flourish and Blotts. "How much do you think these weigh?"

"I'm more worried about whether they'll fit in my trunk" Lily replied, panting slightly as she put all the books that she'd already paid for in a bag. "It wouldn't be very fun if all we could bring to Hogwarts this year was books, and nothing else"

Alice laughed.

"And it'd be even worse for _you_, since you won't even sleep in the same room as the rest of us anymore"

During the past couple of days Lily had been thinking about how strange it'd be not to have Alice in the bed next to hers. Of course, she'd still spend a lot of time in the Gryffindor common room but she'd have her own room to sleep in and she and the head boy would have a common room all to themselves...

"Speaking of which" Alice interrupted her thoughts as they exited the shop. "Did you figure out who's head boy yet?"

Lily rolled her eyes at her best friend in a playful sort of way.

"No! I already told you, the letter didn't say"

"Well, as long as it's not a slytherin..." Alice started but drifted off, probably realizing that that was still a touchy subject with her friend.

As they continued walking down the main street in silence Lily's thoughts drifted off to Snape. Dumbledore never missed a thing, so there was no risk he'd made Snape head boy. Right? And if he, against all odds, _had _been chosen, would Lily be pleased or angry about it?

_Angry_, she told herself firmly. _The less I have to see of him this year, the better._

As she and Alice walked into Eeylops Owl Emporium, where they both planned to buy some treat for their owls, Lily felt like it was time to say something and so she muttered:

"Apart from a slytherin I think I can handle pretty much everything, unless one counts Potter"

Alice furrowed in a way that made Lily think that she almost looked worried.

"Yeah... But there's no chance Dumbledore has chosen _him_, is there?"

"No!" Lily exclaimed.

She'd spoken a bit louder than she'd intended to and a witch standing only a few meters away, examining a really shabby looking cat, gave her an annoyed glare. Lily lowered her voice somewhat as she continued:

"Of course not! Potter is the last person on earth who deserves that badge! I think it could be Remus, though..."

They paid for their owl treats and exited the shop. This time, Alice seemed to be the one lost in thought and it wasn't until they'd passed by Ollivanders wand shop that she spoke up:

"I feel really sorry for him"

Lily furrowed.

"Who, Remus?"

She was confused. From what she could tell, Alice didn't seem to know anything about the secret the "good" marauder had trusted Lily with several years ago. She still remembered how upset she'd gotten. Not because Remus was a werewolf, but because James, Sirius and Peter had become animaguses for his sake.

Lily had heard Mc Gonagall tell them all in Transfiguration class how dangerous that was and it surprised her that James, who was the only student in their year who beat her in Transfiguration, didn't know better. Remus had had to _beg_ her not to go straight to Dumbledore and without really knowing why, Lily had agreed to keep quiet. She doubted whether Remus had ever told his friends any of this.

"No, James"

Lily had been so lost in her own thoughts she'd barely realized that she and Alice were now standing inside Slug & Jiggers Apothecary to buy some new potion ingredients. Once the latter realized that she had her friend's full attention she added:

"I mean, he watched his parents _die_, didn't he? Even people like Potter must be having a hard time after that"

Lily came to think of the article in the Daily Prophet again. There hadn't been many details in there and she wondered what had really happen that night and what James had had to witness. How he'd survived.

"He's an only child" she mumbled, absentmindedly touching a vial filled with clear, green liquid. "I wonder who he lives with now..."

"His aunt"

Alice's reply came so fast Lily was caught off guard for a moment and she raised her eyebrows as her friend's cheeks turned bright red.

"How do you know that?"

"I... Well... Franktoldmeandhe'dspokentoBlack"

Alice's reply came out as a low mutter but she spoke so fast Lily could hardly make out any of it. She caught the word "Frank" though, and grinned at her friend when asking:

"Sorry? I didn't catch that"

Alice sighed, hitting her friend on the arm when realizing that she was teasing her. Once they'd paid for their ingredients and left the shop she explained, still blushing somewhat:

"Frank wrote to me and said that he'd spoken to Black. Apparently, Potter hasn't replied to any of his letters all summer"

This piece of information came as a surprise to Lily. Of course one could easily guess that James wouldn't be in the greatest mood right after his parents' deaths, but he and Sirius had been best friends since first year. If James didn't even speak to _him_, then things must be really, really bad...

To get her mind off it, off him, she smiled widely at Alice and exclaimed:

"Frank wrote to you? Tell me everything!"

The two girls spent the next twenty minutes going through every single word Alice and Frank Longbottom had exchanged during the holidays and eventually ended up in Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. Ordering two chocolate ice creams they sat down by a table, enjoying the August afternoon sun.

After having spent a great deal of time laughing, they both became serious again when Alice laid her eyes on one of the many WANTED-posters that were taped to the door on almost every shop in Diagon Alley.

"My parents are really worried..." she told Lily quietly. "Yours are not the only ones who think it might not be a good idea to come back this year"

Lily nodded slowly but then said:

"But we have to. There would be no reason for a dark wizard to attack my family if I'm not with them. The best thing I can do to protect them is to stay away"

It sounded horrible and sad, but they both knew that it was the truth. What had happened to the Potters was only one of the many killings one would never expect anyone to be capable of.

"I think things will be different this year" Alice said softly, absentmindedly stirring in her ice cream whilst she spoke. "People will change and realize what's really important"

"Well, at least some people will" Lily replied, finding it hard to keep the edge out of her voice. "Others, like Potter, will always find a way to turn everything into a huge, pathetic joke"

But to her surprise, Alice didn't agree or even smile. In fact, she looked deadly serious as she stated:

"I'm not so sure about that"

"Yeah, neither am I"

The two girls both jumped at the sound of the voice, seeing as it obviously belonged to someone who had been eavesdropping on their conversation. As Lily turned around in her seat she found herself staring right back at Sirius Black, who was standing only meters away with Remus by his side. None of them had bought any ice cream and she narrowed her eyes.

"Don't you have something better to do than sneak up on people, Black?"

It was funny how she, without even thinking about it, always sounded so harsh when talking to him, James or Peter. These days, she never even gave them a chance but always took for granted that whatever they were about to say or do was something mean, annoying or stupid. And when seeing him standing there, looking almost angry with that cocky expression on his face, all Lily could think of was how they'd always bullied Snape to no end...

Sirius voice was surprisingly cold as he replied, arms crossed:

"Hello Evans. Alice" He nodded towards Alice who, to Lily's great annoyance, gave him a small smile. "Did you have a nice summer?"

Lily quickly greeted Remus who seemed to be willing to let his friend do all the talking, and then glared at Sirius again.

"I did, until you showed up"

"You know, Evans, I don't understand what I ever did to you..."

Lily snorted loudly, staring at him as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"Did you honestly just say that? Because I don't even know where to start..."

"How about you start with why you sit here, talking about my best friend behind his back?"

Lily was taken a bit off guard by Sirius' comment and exchanged a quick look with Alice, who glanced down, before she started:

"I don't know what you're talking about..."

"Oh you know perfectly well what I'm talking about, _Lily_" Sirius snapped. "Surely someone as smart as you reads the Prophet on a daily basis. And given thought of what happened I can assure that James is the last person on earth who'd find a way to 'turn everything into a huge, pathetic joke'"

Lily hated it, but there was something in Sirius' voice that made her think that he was right. She really had no idea what James had been through and despite everything he'd ever done, she had no right judging him now...

"You were not supposed to hear that"

_Really? Was that the best she could come up with? __**That**__, if something, was pathetic..._

"Well, I did. And James has never done anything to offend _you, _so lay off him all right?"

Sirius seemed to be in a really bad mood and perhaps it had something to do with the fact that James hadn't written to him all summer. Perhaps he was just worried. Lily couldn't even imagine what it'd be like if Alice's parents died. How would she react to something like that and what would she feel other than helplessness?

Because there was nothing Sirius could do to change what had happened. Nothing.

Even Remus seemed to think that it was time for his friend to calm down and so he grabbed Sirius' arm and muttered:

"Sirius... That's enough"

Probably just to ease the tension, and get both Lily and Sirius to focus on something else and stop glaring at each other, Alice asked Remus:

"So... Are you the new head boy, Remus?"

He shook his head and from what Lily could tell he was not at all sad about it. She couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed, though. Having Remus as head boy would, in fact, be really comfortable since she already knew him and they were friends.

"No" he said, shrugging slightly. "I have no idea who got the badge. Are you head girl?"

He turned to look at Lily who nodded shortly. The heated discussion with Sirius was still fresh in her mind and she couldn't bring herself to smile at the moment. There was a short silence before Remus cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Well... I guess it's time for us to go"

He gave Sirius a meaningful look and the latter, somewhat reluctantly, turned around to leave the ice cream parlor. Once they were both out of sight and earshot Alice stated:

"Wow... That was intense"

"He was right" Lily mumbled, earning a look of surprise from her friend. "I had no right saying those things about Potter after everything he's been through. But I... I can't just forget about everything he's ever done to Sev and..."

She drifted off. Couldn't bring herself to continue since she didn't know exactly what she was trying to say. However, Alice, being the best friend she was, simply put her hand on Lily's arm.

"I know" she said, and something in her eyes told Lily that she really did. "I get it"

**James**

James was in the middle of sorting the letters he'd received all summer when there was a soft knock on the door leading into his bedroom. He put the letters into two piles; the ones worth saving and the ones he planned to just throw away (most of these came from relatives and old friends of his parents who expressed their sorrow and condolences).

"Come in" he said and turned around in his chair to face his aunt.

She was holding a great number of books, robes and potion ingredients in her hands and he hurried over to her to grab some of it. These things were all his school supplies that she'd bought in Diagon Alley the same day.

"This all reminds me of my last year..." James' aunt said, grimacing slightly as she took a look at the books. "Way too much studying for my liking"

_Good to know. As if I don't have enough to deal with as it is._

James packed The Standard Book of Spells Grade 7 into his trunk and pointed out:

"You didn't have to buy me any new robes..."

But his aunt simply snorted.

"Of course I did, I don't think you realize how much you've grown this summer"

It was true that James was now a lot taller and more muscular than he'd been during his previous years at Hogwarts, but with everything else going on he hadn't exactly paid his appearances much attention...

There was a short silence and since his aunt didn't leave the room, and continued to eye him worriedly, James knew that there was something else that she wanted to say.

"So... Only three days to go now"

He was glad that he had his back facing her, for he had a feeling that the expression on his face mirrored what he felt inside. Worry. Exhaustion. Anger. Guilt. Even panic.

Three days was nothing.

"There is still time to change your mind, James" his aunt reminded him softly, as if it'd make things any easier. "If you're not ready..."

"There's no reason why I shouldn't go back"

He could see the look on his aunt's face from the corner of his eye and it seemed as if she wanted to oppose, but stayed silent anyway.

"Just remember I said that"

At first, all James could do was nod but as his aunt was about to exit his bedroom again he suddenly regained his ability to speak. His voice was surprisingly clear when he said:

"Thank you. For everything"

And he meant it.

Now, his aunt was the one nodding in silence and then, before closing the door behind her, she replied:

"Don't worry about it"

**Author's note: The next chapter will, mostly, take place on the Hogwarts Express and James and Lily will finally see each other again. I'm really looking forward to writing Lily's reaction when she realizes that James is head boy, haha.**

**Please review! :) **


	4. The Big Surprise

**The Big Surprise**

_"And then that word grew louder and louder  
'Til it was a battle cry"_

_Regina Spektor- The Call_

Lily's mother gave her youngest daughter what was probably the fifteenth bone breaking hug that day. Petunia was standing next to her, rolling her eyes demonstratively.

"Take care now, honey" Mrs Evans said and Lily's eyes widened as she realized that her mother had tears in her eyes.

"Don't cry, mum" she exclaimed. "It'll be Christmas before you know it!"

"I know, I know..." Her mother wiped her eyes and gave her daughter an apologetic smile. "I honestly don't know what's gotten into me, I'm just so sensitive!"

"Lily will be all right" Lily's father said, putting her hand on his wife's shoulder. "Won't you Lils?"

"Of course I will, dad" Lily said, hugging her father as well. "And I'll miss you all so much"

She had actually been very surprised when finding out that Petunia would accompany them to King's Cross Station. Of course, she'd said that it was only because she was having lunch with Vernon in London an hour later but Lily had a feeling that she actually wished to say goodbye to her.

Now, she gave her older sister a small smile.

"I'll miss you too, Tuney"

Lily could see from the corner of her eye how her parents exchanged some sort of excited look, probably hoping that their daughters would finally start to get along again. Petunia seemed very uncomfortable and her mouth was set in a thin line as she nodded towards the Head Girl badge on Lily's shirt.

"Good luck with that"

"And promise to write as soon as you find out who the Head Boy is, we are so curious!" Mrs Evans said, right as the whistle blew.

Lily knew that this meant that she was running out of time and so she grabbed her trolley and started walking towards the train. Before she climbed on board she turned around to face her family one more time, raising her hand in farewell.

**James**

"You know, people have an _awful _habit of staring when they're not supposed to"

James' aunt rolled her eyes and looked truthfully annoyed when glaring at two boys who didn't look to be much older than eleven. When passing her and James by, they'd both started whispering excitedly and it was obvious that even people that young had read The Prophet this summer.

"Just ignore it" His aunt's voice was soft and yet firm. "People only gossip as long as they think that someone actually cares about what they're saying. Pretend like you can't even hear them"

James nodded slightly. He tried to give his aunt a small smile, but it felt more like a grimace.

"I already am"

Judging from the look on her face, she was not convinced. James thought that the best thing about returning to Hogwarts would be that he wouldn't have to endure that look. At least not from her.

"Are you oka.."

"I'm fine"

He took a quick look around the platform, only so he wouldn't have to meet her gaze, and it didn't take long before his eyes landed on Lily Evans. If it was even possible, she looked even more beautiful than she when he last saw her. Her dark red hair seemed to have grown slightly longer during the summer and her bright green eyes twinkled as she hugged her parents goodbye...

He looked away.

"Where is your Head Boy badge?"

His aunt's worried voice brought him back to reality and James could have sworn that she thought that he might have left it at home. Truth to be told, he had considered it...

Sighing slightly, he dug his hand into his pocket and pulled it out to show her.

"It's right here"

His aunt raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Why aren't you wearing it?"

_Because it shouldn't even be mine. Because people stare enough already. Because I don't deserve it._

"People usually don't put it on before bordering the train" James lied quickly. "I haven't even changed into my robes yet"

His aunt furrowed.

"Hm... That's not what I remember from back when I was a student..."

But she drifted off as the whistle blew, indicating that the train was soon about to take off. James' aunt gave him a quick smile before hugging him tightly.

"Promise to write" she said. "And you know that if you need someone to talk to, about anything..."

"I can always talk to you" James filled in.

They'd gone through this at least ten times a day during the past week. His aunt nodded seriously.

"Absolutely. Now have a great term and I'll see you soon"

James nodded. He waved at her before grabbing his trunk from the trolley and heading towards the Hogwarts Express. He was just about to heave his trunk onto the train when a voice he hadn't heard in what felt like a really long time said:

"Hello Prongs! Long time, no see!"

Sirius grinned at him, looking like Christmas had arrived four months early. And James knew that he should be nothing but happy to see his best friend again, and yet he could feel his heart starting to beat uncomfortably fast.

He was not used to this. Being the old, carefree James Potter without a single problem in the entire world. The one playing pranks and laughing at Snape for his greasy hair and dirty underwear. The person Sirius still might expect him to be.

But James could never be that person again. In fact, he felt like he could never even be _happy _again.

"Hello Sirius" he replied as they got on the train together.

What else was he supposed to say? "_Sorry that I didn't reply to any of your letters?_" "_Sorry that I'll probably be the most boring person in the entire school this year?"_

No words were enough. And yet, Sirius didn't seem to think so.

"We've really missed you, mate" he said, looking into each compartment that they passed by, obviously trying to catch a glimpse of Remus or Peter. "Remus and I did some really funny things this summer that we're dying to tell you about... Here they are!"

Sirius slid the door leading into the compartment open and stepped inside, James right behind him. Once he'd closed the door and turned around to greet his two other friends, Remus gave him a wide smile.

"Hi James! It's so good to see you!"

Was it really? Or was this all just an act, since none of them really knew how to behave around him anymore? Peter looked slightly nervous and gave James a smile that didn't feel real.

"H... hello James. How was your summer?"

The reaction, to a question that only months ago would have seemed so natural, was immediate. Before James had time to even think that Peter's intentions were good, he felt like a bludger flew right into his stomach and made it impossible to breathe. Sirius and Remus both looked at Peter as if he'd gone mental and only seconds after he'd uttered the question his eyes widened in horror and James could have sworn that he was about to cover his mouth with his hands.

"I... I'm sorry..." he stuttered. "I didn't mean..."

"It was okay"

James was amazed by the fact that his voice carried and he actually managed to look right into Peter's eyes as he sat down opposite him.

"How was your summer, Peter?"

The train soon started moving and it didn't take long before the landscape outside the train window started changing. During the next thirty minutes James took part in some of the conversations his friends were having but even though it was obvious how hard Sirius and Remus both tried, he couldn't bring himself to laugh once.

He hadn't laughed since that day.

When the other three discussed things he really couldn't care less about anymore, James remained silent and stared out the window, focusing on every little detail outside only so his thoughts wouldn't start wandering.

However, he was brought back to reality as Remus stood up:

"Well, I guess it's time for me to head to the prefect carriage"

Sirius grimaced.

"Why don't you just tell Dumbledore that you don't want that stupid badge anymore?"

During the past couple of weeks, James had been so busy thinking about how much he didn't deserve the Head Boy badge, that he hadn't even considered what his _friends _might think about it. Sirius wouldn't believe his eyes, that was for sure...

"It's not that bad" Remus said, shrugging.

Sirius leaned slightly backwards in his seat, yawning.

"Well, at least we should be lucky you weren't made Head Boy. Right Prongs?"

They all turned to look at James who, for a split second, felt like he'd lost his ability to speak. Then, he simply stated:

"I'm Head Boy"

The compartment fell silent. Remus stared, Peter gaped and Sirius burst out laughing.

"You know what, for a second there you almost had me... That would be great, wouldn't it? You and Evans running the school together, even sharing a living quarter..."

"I'm not joking" James said shortly, and could feel his heart skip a beat at Sirius' words. "Evans is Head Girl?"

Of course, that was nothing but what he'd always expected. But somehow he'd still managed to hope that he'd be wrong.

"Yeah, we ran into her and Alice in Diagon Alley a couple of weeks ago" Remus said slowly, eyeing James curiously. "She told us. Are you really Head Boy?"

"Of course not!" Sirius exclaimed, still grinning.

But as he turned to look at his friends, and realized that none of them were laughing with him, he asked James:

"You're not, are you?"

James felt like he was about to lose his patience and rolled his eyes demonstratively before he showed them all the Head Boy badge. Sirius grabbed it and started examining it closely, almost as if expecting it to be fake. James didn't blame him.

"You've got to be kidding me..." Sirius muttered under his breath and James replied, his voice low:

"I wish"

For a moment, none of the four marauders said anything and then Remus cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Well... In that case I guess you're accompanying me to the prefect carriage, James?"

James avoided Sirius' gaze when standing up and, pretending to be busy examining the floor, he told Remus:

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm coming"

The last thing he heard before Remus slid the compartment door shut behind them was Sirius telling Peter, his voice full of disbelief:

"Well... This is unexpected"

**Lily**

"Okay, promise to report back to us as soon as the meeting is over!" Alice looked really excited and almost jumped up and down in her seat. "I'm almost as curious about the new Head Boy as you are"

"Honestly Alice, I think you're _more _curious" Amelia Bones said, shaking her head while smiling at her friend. "Good luck Lily. Don't be too hard on the new prefects!"

As Lily slid the compartment door shut behind her she could still hear her friends continue the discussion on who this year's Head Boy might be. She rolled her eyes, smiling to herself as she started walking down the train corridor. Of course, she was far more excited about all this than she'd ever let on.

And even though it was a bit embarrassing to admit, she was also nervous. Before meeting up with all the prefects, she and the Head Boy would have a short "private meeting" in one of the compartments in the front carriage.

What if he was a Slytherin, one of Snape's friends? Or what if he was some really boring Ravenclaw that she would have absolutely _nothing_ in common with?

_Calm down_, Lily told herself firmly, as she finally reached the right compartment. _It can't be that bad. Because honestly, nothing would be as bad as..._

"Potter?"

Lily couldn't even bring herself to scream, or sound angry, when saying the word. She was left standing in the doorway, motionless, staring at him. Was this some kind of sick joke that he and Sirius had come up with after what had happened in Diagon Alley? If it was, it sure as hell wasn't funny.

"Hello Evans"

Lily swallowed. Since she felt unable to speak, she spent a short while thinking that there was something different about his voice.

It sounded hollow. Empty. Perhaps also slightly darker. Not at all like the annoying and sometimes almost desperate sounding voice that she knew as James Potter's.

Then, she took in his appearances, and what she saw almost made her flinch. He was more muscular, broad-shouldered and his always so messy hair was slightly shorter than she remembered. He was also quite pale, but what struck her the most was his eyes. He had dark circles under them, indicating on lack of sleep, and just like his voice his brown eyes seemed... empty.

They contained none of that spark she was so used to find there. It was a really strange feeling.

Lily didn't know for how long they'd been standing there, eyeing each other in silence, when she finally managed to ask:

"What... what are _you_ doing here?"

Without a word, James started digging after something in his pocket. Oh no. Please no. Please don't let it be... It was. The Head Boy badge. With his initials, J.P, on it.

This had to be a nightmare.

Lily wanted to yell at him. Scream that he didn't deserve this and that he should go straight to Dumbledore's office once they arrived at school and tell the headmaster that he'd made a mistake. She wanted to ask him _why _he of all people had been chosen. What had he ever done to deserve it?

But she couldn't. When looking into his eyes, that seemed to contain nothing but exhaustion and grief, she just couldn't. Should she say something? "_I'm sorry you had to watch your parents die_?" That would only make it worse...

The thoughts kept spinning through Lily's head and meanwhile, James opened his mouth to speak:

"Just so you know, if you want to handle this prefect meeting on your own I don't mind. I'll let you do all the talking"

She stared at him. _James Potter _would remain silent in his seat and let _her _take over? No jokes or tries to make people laugh? No mean or witty remarks? Had she arrived in some sort of alternate universe?

"Uhm... Yeah, sure" she said lamely. "If that's what you want"

James nodded and Lily noticed that he looked almost _grateful_.

"Yeah... That's what I want"

There was a short silence. Lily stared at the badge in his hand, silently wondering why he didn't put it on. Did he even _want _this? From the looks of it, the answer was no. Perhaps he'd tell Dumbledore that as soon as they arrived at the school?

"We should go" she said, finding it strange that she was actually having what could be described as a completely normal and _civil_ conversation with Potter. "The prefect meeting is supposed to start in five minutes"

James nodded slowly, before once again slipping the badge into his pocket.

"Right"

And in silence, they both exited the compartment and headed for the one where the prefect meeting would take place.

**Lily**

Half an hour later, once the prefect meeting was over and Lily and James were both heading back to their compartments, Lily was too flabbergasted to even think properly. That meeting had, without doubt, been one of the strangest ones she'd ever attended.

And the reason for that was that James Potter hadn't said a single word, apart from his name when introducing himself. He barely seemed to have noticed the surprised and even annoyed looks on some of the prefects' faces once they realized that he was Head Boy.

But Lily hadn't missed the look on his face when Joanna Smith, a seventh year prefect from Hufflepuff, had looked at him with so much pity she might as well have held up a sign saying "I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, JAMES". And she was not the only one. In fact, some of the fifth years even whispered amongst each other when James first entered the compartment, something that caused Remus to give them an angry glare. He, on the other hand, kept sending James worried glances that the latter seemed to hate just as much.

Perhaps all the looks, pity and worry were the reasons why James had stayed silent during the entire meeting and didn't participate in a single discussion. Perhaps they were also the reason why he was now walking ten meters ahead of her.

Perhaps it was because of everything else that was going on in his life at the moment, that he hadn't asked her out yet. Honestly, Lily had expected it, considering all the chances he'd had. At this very moment they were the only people in the train corridor and yet he acted as if she didn't even exist.

It was... new. Liberating. And yet just so strange.

Her thoughts were interrupted as he stopped, and she caught up with him, just outside the compartment where her friends sat. James turned around to face her, and met her gaze for the first time since before the prefect meeting.

"See you, Evans"

And then he continued walking down the corridor, leaving her staring after him. Before she even realized what she was doing she called:

"James!"

When he stopped walking, and slowly turned around to face her again, she was too busy thinking about how awkward the whole situation was to realize that she'd called him by his first name. James looked at her, obviously waiting for her to say something.

Merlin, this was weird...

"I'm sorry. About your parents"

His face expression remained indifferent and for a moment she doubted whether he'd even heard her. Their gazes locked. Lily swallowed. And then, before she knew it, he'd turned around and left the scene.

And she was wondering whether what she'd just done was nothing but a big mistake.

**Sirius**

"How did it go?"

The somewhat triumphant look on Sirius' face vanished once he realized that Remus was alone. The latter slid the compartment door shut and sighed before telling his two friends:

"Before you ask, I don't know where James is"

Sirius rolled his eyes, thinking that it was typical Remus behavior to think that it might be a _good _thing to give James some time alone. But truth to be told, James had had enough time to himself all summer and now he needed his friends.

"How could you lose him?! You were at the same meeting, weren't you?"

"Yeah but he left after that, and he didn't say where he was going" Remus explained, sighing slightly. "And I don't blame him, considering how people acted back there..."

"What happened?" Peter asked curiously and Sirius filled in, his voice dangerously low:

"Did someone say anything about what happened to his parents?"

"No..." Remus said, shaking his head. "Not directly, at least. But they all gave him these looks... Either they were angry and surprised that he'd been made Head Boy or they just pitied him. I can understand that that became too much"

"People. Are. Such. Idiots" Sirius hissed, clenching his fists when thinking about everything that James had been through. "What about Evans? Considering what we heard her say in Diagon Alley I can only guess that she wasn't very nice to him, either?"

"They never spoke to each other, from what I could tell" Remus replied. "In fact, James didn't say anything but his name during the entire meeting"

"I feel really sorry for him" Peter muttered quietly. "And I was stupid enough to ask him how his summer was..."

"I'm sure James knows that you didn't mean it like that" Remus said gently, giving his friend an encouraging smile. "But we just... We have to remember that James might not be the same person he always has been"

Sirius didn't like the way Remus looked at him when saying this, as if indicating that he needed this explained to him. Of course Sirius knew that life would never be the same for his best friend again. Of course he knew that James would have trouble laughing, smiling and playing pranks as usual. Of course he knew that things had changed.

And he hated it.

**Author's note: I have read many stories where Lily just loses it completely when realizing that James is Head Boy. And even though she might be really angry about it, I just don't think she'd be that hard on him after everything that he's been through. But of course, you can imagine what she'll tell her friends once she sees them again :P**

**It's difficult writing from Sirius' point of view. Luckily, none of my best friends have lost someone they really care about so I can only imagine how hard that must be, and how helpless one might feel at times.**

**Please review! :) **


	5. A Long Way Back

**A Long Way Back**

_"With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves  
Let me forget about today until tomorrow"_

_Bob Dylan- Mr Tambourine Man_

"So? Who was he?"

Lily's friends Alice, Amelia and Rebecca all looked at her intently once she entered their compartment but for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to answer their question. Instead she just sat down, staring at nothing in particular in complete silence.

"Well?" Alice urged.

After what seemed like a really long time Lily finally looked up at her friend and opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Alice laughed.

"Oh come on, don't be so dramatic! You said it yourself, you can handle anything apart from..."

She drifted off and then, eyes widening, realization dawned upon her face. Lily was just grateful that she didn't have to speak the words out loud.

"Oh my god" Alice whispered and Amelia, who seemed to understand what her friend meant, gasped.

"No..." she said slowly, shaking her head in disbelief. "It can't be... Oh Lily, I'm so sorry!"

"Am I missing something here?" Rebecca asked, looking between her three friends.

Lily thought that if she was going to share a living quarter with Potter, there was no way in hell she'd get away without being able to even say it out loud. Therefore, she looked straight at Rebecca and uttered the words:

"Potter is Head Boy"

The compartment fell completely silent. Then, Rebecca snorted loudly.

"I'm sorry but have Dumbledore and Mc Gonagall _met _him? He's definitely the _least _responsible bloke in our year!"

"Maybe they just felt sorry for him" Amelia suggested. "You know, after everything with his parents..."

"You don't become Head Boy just because someone feels sorry for you" Lily interrupted her. "At least that's what I hope for"

The last part came out almost as a whisper and she had to admit that she was not too sure that Amelia was wrong. What other reason for choosing Potter could Dumbledore and Mc Gonagall possibly have? As far as Lily was concerned he was the Transfiguration teacher's least favorite student and she'd spent practically every day for the past six years yelling at him and his friends.

It just didn't make sense.

Lily was so lost in her own thoughts she barely realized that all of her friends eyed her worriedly, perhaps waiting for her to have some sort of mental break-down. Her voice was low when she told them:

"He seemed different though. He didn't say a word during the entire prefect meeting apart from his name and you should have seen his face expression... He looked almost ill"

"Wow..." Rebecca said, once Lily had finished. "An ill looking James Potter is quite hard to imagine. He always seems to be on top, doesn't he? Making jokes and pulling pranks as soon as he has the chance..."

"Not today, he didn't" Lily told her lamely. "But perhaps it's just an act. Perhaps once we get back to Hogwarts he'll..."

"Go back to being the old carefree James?" Amelia filled in. "Yeah, probably"

But to Lily's great surprise, Alice snorted in disbelief and shook her head at her friends. Her voice was full of disapproval when she said:

"Could you two, for just a moment, _please _use the brains that I know you have?"

When they all just stared at her she added:

"Potter might have been the master of bullying but he was never pure _evil_! And even though he might not be very good at showing it I can bet you anything that he actually cares. Would _you _laugh and pull pranks the first thing you did if _you'd _watched your parents get killed, what, two months ago? I think it's impressing he's even here!"

Alice was Lily's very best friend and this was one of the many reasons why she loved her so much. Alice had always been kind, loving and caring and she was not afraid to give people second chances. And now, when saying these things about James, Lily felt ashamed and stupid.

"I'm sorry Lily" Alice suddenly said, putting her hand on her friend's arm. "I know that you and Potter haven't always gotten along but I just..."

"No, you're right" Lily interrupted her and as she looked up she could see that Amelia and Rebecca also seemed to regret what they'd just said.

There was another silence, and Lily turned her head to look out the train window. The landscape had long ago changed and she could tell from the way it was about to get dark that they would be at Hogwarts soon. She swallowed, and didn't take her eyes from the darkness out there when telling her friends:

"I've wanted this badge ever since I was eleven years old. But I just... It never crossed my mind that they would choose _him_!"

And for the first time since she'd seen Potter in the front carriage she felt angry. Not surprised by this "new" him, sad because of what he'd had to go through or ashamed because of what she and her friends had said about him.

Just angry. And almost furious.

_Why?_

Why did Potter, with all the confusion he obviously brought with him, have to be a part of this dream of hers? Why couldn't she, during her very last year at Hogwarts, be free of him? Dead parents or not, he must have done _something _to convince Dumbledore that he was the right man for the job.

This was all his fault.

And then she felt ashamed again, Alice's words echoing inside her head.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Rebecca asked:

"So... Is it true what they wrote in the Daily Prophet? He was really _there_?"

Alice nodded slightly.

"I think so" she mumbled. "At least that's what Black told Frank"

"Then how did he survive?" Amelia asked curiously. "The Prophet never said what actually _happened_..."

Lily had asked herself this question hundreds of times during the summer, without knowing why. She had tried to convince herself that it had nothing to with Potter, but that she was just worried about the fact that dark wizards seemed to gain more power all over the country.

"That, I don't know" Alice replied. "And I don't blame Potter if he's not ready to talk about it yet"

For a moment, Lily couldn't help feeling like the atmosphere in the room had changed from happy to depressed. Then, Amelia pointed out:

"I think we'll be at Hogwarts soon. We should get changed"

And after having made sure that the door leading into their compartment was closed, and that no one could peek inside, they did.

**James**

James grabbed the sink so hard his knuckles turned white, but the pain in his hands was a good thing since it was at least something to focus on. Something to take his mind off everything else. As he took a quick glance at his face in the small mirror hanging on the wall in the train bathroom, he felt almost intimidated.

Had he looked this bad all summer, or had it just gotten worse?

He looked ill. No wonder Evans had stared at him as if she'd never seen him before... James turned on the tap and splashed his face with ice cold water, silently hoping that it'd be some sort of distraction from the thoughts running through his head and the way his heart pounded like he'd just ran a marathon race.

He had honestly believed that he'd be able to handle it. In fact, he hadn't even _allowed _himself to think otherwise. It was the only thing that stopped him from losing it and breaking down completely.

And telling Evans that she could take care of the whole prefect meeting if she wanted to had turned out to be a good thing. That way, he could focus on trying his best not to look bothered by all prefects' surprised and sometimes annoyed face expressions when they realized that he was Head Boy.

_Pull yourself together, _he'd told himself firmly, again and again. _Let Evans do all the talking and you'll be fine._

And it had worked. Nobody seemed to notice how he really felt. That he just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

But then, there were the looks coming from people like Joanna Smith. The looks of pity. It was too much. How could he ever move on if people kept reminding him only by looking his way?

Maybe his aunt had been right all along. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. And when Evans had called after him...

_"I'm sorry. About your parents"_

It had been almost two months. Why did it feel like he was getting weaker every day? If even _Evans, _who hated him, felt sorry for him then something was wrong. What was it that stopped him from feeling okay?

And had she really called him by his first name?

James took a deep breath, counted to ten and then opened the door and headed back towards the compartment where his friends sat. Meanwhile, he kept cursing Dumbledore for making him Head Boy. Obviously, he was only making a complete fool of himself.

_But they would have wanted this. They'd be so proud._

Once he slid the door leading into the compartment open it fell deadly silent, and James got the feeling his friends had been talking about him. Pretending like he hadn't noticed he went to sit down next to Sirius who gave him a small smile.

"How did the prefect meeting go? Any luck with getting Evans to fall head over heels for you?"

James didn't know where to start, what to say or how to finish. So he just stood up again and grabbed his trunk from the shelf over Peter's and Remus' heads.

"We should get changed" he said shortly. "We'll be there soon"

**James**

It felt strange, leaving the train at Hogsmeade Station. Last time James had been here, everything had been different. If only he'd known back then how much his life would change over the summer...

And yet things were just the same.

Hagrid was still greeting them at the platform, roaring "FIRST YEARS THIS WAY! OVER HERE, FIRST YEARS!". And as usual, the new students looked frightened when approaching him. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter who'd ride up to the school in carriages left the platform with their trunks and cages.

"I'm starving" Sirius said and James could hear his stomach growling. "I hope Dumbledore will let us eat before he holds his speech..."

"What's that?"

Sirius fell silent at James' words and he, Remus and Peter all turned to look the way their friend pointed. Standing in front of the carriages, probably to pull them, were several black, ghost-looking horses. They looked almost... dead and yet James couldn't bring himself to feel afraid. They gave a somewhat sad, but not frightening, impression.

When his friends all furrowed he added, without taking his gaze off the horses:

"What's pulling the carriages?"

Remus gave him a strange look.

"They're pulling themselves, as always"

"No they're not" James replied in disbelief, raising his eyebrows at his friends, who all exchanged a quick look.

"Yes James, they are" Sirius said, nodding towards the horses that he obviously couldn't see. "There's nothing there"

James stared at his best friend and opened and closed his mouth several times to say something, but no words came out. Did he really need his friends to worry about him any more than they obviously already did?

He stayed silent, and Remus gently grabbed his arm.

"Come on, or all carriages will be taken"

As soon as the four marauders had sat down in one of the carriages, and it began moving up towards the school, the rain started pouring down. James absentmindedly stared out the window, without really seeing anything.

It was ironic how this was the beginning, and yet it felt just like the end.

**Lily**

It was probably nothing more than bad luck and really bad timing, but somehow Lily ended up opposite James as they sat down by the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. He seemed to avoid her gaze, and everyone else's for that matter, and barely answered to whatever question Sirius was asking him.

It felt a bit strange, knowing that she was now watching the sorting ceremony for the very last time. Apparently, her friends felt the same way and Amelia whispered:

"Look at them! I can't believe we were ever that small"

She eyed the newest gryffindors as they came to join them and Lily wished they only knew how much they had to look forward to, but also how things would sometimes be really tough to get through.

Making sure that none of her friends were looking, Lily cast a quick glance towards the Slytherin table. The bare sight of Snape hurt and so she looked away, wondering if he ever missed her the way she missed him. Did he ever think about her? To be honest, he looked quite unbothered and almost bored as he obviously waited for Dumbledore to begin his speech.

As the headmaster stood up Lily's thoughts wandered off to that day back in their fifth year when everything had changed. She had finished her O.W.L.s and she'd felt both happy and free- until Potter and his friends had decided to ruin it.

Looking at James now, one could scarcely imagine that it was the same person. Was he really the one who'd bullied Snape for no reason at all and threatened to pull his pants down in front of all students? Was he really the one who always laughed the loudest and never stopped asking her out?

Something about James Potter's behavior and way of looking at life had obviously changed. _He _had changed. At least for now.

Lily's thoughts were interrupted as the hall fell completely silent and Dumbledore began his speech:

"There are some things I would like to share with you, but let's get to that once we've all enjoyed the lovely feast!"

He beamed at them before sitting down again and seconds later the tables were filled with all sorts of dishes one could possibly imagine. Lily, who knew by now that the food at Hogwarts was always the best, helped herself to some mashed potatoes and chicken.

"Finally!" she heard Sirius say as he loaded food onto his plate. "I'm starving!"

Alice, the only one of Lily's friends who was on "friendly terms" with the marauders, rolled her eyes.

"Boys..." she muttered. "Why do they have to be so disgusting when they eat?"

Even Frank looked like he hadn't seen food in days and Lily couldn't stop herself from giggling.

"Well, at least I think this is nothing compared to Petunia's boyfriend Vernon. Mum told me that when he was at our place having dinner, he ate more than the rest of the family together"

It was at that moment she accidentally got eye contact with James, since she knew that the old him would have enjoyed that story. He still wasn't wearing his Head Boy badge. After a split second he looked away, and so Lily was left staring at his plate instead. He barely seemed to have touched his food and was playing around in it with his fork. Judging from Remus' face expression, she was not the only one noticing.

"Aren't you hungry James?" he asked, furrowing at his friend.

"Not really" James replied quietly, but loud enough for Lily to hear.

_This _was also something she was not used to. Just like the other marauders, and most boys for that matter, James always seemed to have liked food. He probably needed to eat a lot since he practiced so much quidditch, but now he almost looked as if the bare sight of the food was disgusting him.

Almost an hour later, once they'd finished dessert, Dumbledore stood up again. The Great Hall fell silent.

"Welcome to yet another year at Hogwarts! I hope that you all enjoyed the feast and that you have now had some time to make new friends and catch up with your old ones. As usual, our caretaker Mr Filch has asked me to inform you that all sorts of magic performances are strictly forbidden in the corridors. First years should know that the Forbidden forest is, as the name suggests, strictly off limits to all students"

At this, the headmaster took a moment to let his gaze rest at the marauders. Lily knew that James, Sirius, Remus and Peter had all spent time in the forest even when they were not supposed to, and she could see from the corner of her eye how Sirius grinned at James. The latter seemed to try his best to give his friend a small smile.

Dumbledore continued:

"Students who wish to join their house's quidditch team will be informed by the quidditch captain when tryouts take place. Please keep an eye on the noteboard in your common room. It is also, with great pleasure, that I'd like to introduce this year's Head Girl and Head Boy..."

_Oh no. _

Lily had completely forgotten that this little "introduction" happened every year. She could feel her face going bright red and tried her best to hide behind Alice. Even though she was really happy and proud to be the new Head Girl, she _hated _too much attention.

"Ms Lily Evans and Mr James Potter from Gryffindor house"

Most students, apart from some of the slytherins, clapped their hands and the gryffindors all looked very pleased.

"That wasn't necessary..." Lily muttered under her breath but Rebecca exclaimed:

"What are you talking about? We're really proud of you and people should know that!"

Once the applause died down Dumbledore went on with his speech and Lily could tell from the look on his face that they were moving on to more serious things.

"As you all know... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has grown stronger and gained more followers during the last couple of months"

The hall fell deadly silent.

Lily didn't look away from Dumbledore, but she could see from the corner of her eye how James stared down at his plate as if his life depended on it. Anyone could tell that this was not something he wanted to hear.

"And as much as I hate saying it, I must ask each and everyone of you to stay extra alert and focused this year. Look after yourselves but most of all, look after each other. Do not let old house rivalries or quarrels get in the way and know that the easy and the right decision is not always the same thing"

Dumbledore's clear blue eyes surveyed them all.

"Alone we are weak, but together we are incredibly strong. Don't you ever forget that. Now off to bed, all of you"

"That was cheerful..." Alice said, her voice dripping with sarcasm as they stood up to leave the Great Hall.

However, Lily was once again lost in her own thoughts. The headmaster's words echoed inside her head:

_Do not let old house rivalries or quarrels get in the way._

Was that the reason he'd made Potter Head Boy? So the two of them would put their past behind them and become _friends? _Lily stopped herself from snorting out loud. If Dumbledore was honestly even _considering_ that, he'd probably hit his head once or twice during the summer...

But why would he, a powerful man like Dumbledore, waste so much energy on trying to make Lily and James befriend each other? What would he get out of it?

_No, _Lily told herself. _There has to be another reason why he chose Potter and not Remus._

"Oh ms Evans, there you are!"

Lily jumped at the sound of professor Mc Gonagall's voice and froze as she looked up and realized that most students had left the Great Hall. In fact, apart from Mc Gonagall and Potter she was the only one left.

_Potter. Oh no._

She felt like someone kicked her in the stomach, hard. From this day on, she'd actually share a _living quarter _with him. They'd have their own common room. Separate dorms, but still...

Oh how she wanted to kill Alice for leaving without reminding her...

"I'm here to show you and mr Potter your new living quarter" Mc Gonagall said and before Lily knew it they were leaving the Great Hall and heading up the stairs towards what would be her, and James', home this year.

A changed Potter or not, this better be a nightmare...

**Author's note: Thank you so much to those of you who have reviewed, started following or favorited this story! Knowing that you like it really keeps me going! As you might have already guessed, this is not one of those stories where Lily and James will fall for each other immediately. At this point, Lily still thinks really bad of him and it will take some time to change that.**

**Please leave a review if you liked it! :) **


	6. Privileges

**Privileges**

_"And just like the rain  
I'll be always fallin'  
Only to rise and fall again"_

_Cary Brothers - If You Were Here_

No matter how hard he tried, James couldn't decide what would have been worse. Accompany his friends to the Gryffindor tower and thereby have to endure their worried looks all night, or walking in complete and uncomfortable silence with no other than professor Mc Gonagall and Lily Evans.

Lost in his own thoughts, he hadn't paid much attention to _where _they're were going, but he could always use the Marauder's Map for that. When casting a quick glance at Lily, James could see that she was staring right ahead, having not said a word during this entire time. When thinking about that he couldn't help feeling somewhat annoyed.

At least she _wanted _this.

Having been obsessed with her throughout the years, James was perfectly aware of the fact that Lily had dreamed about becoming Head Girl ever since their first year. She probably already knew everything about their tasks and it wouldn't surprise him if he knew the location of their common room by heart.

Despite having had the Marauder's Map for the past couple of years, James didn't. The mere words "Head Boy" had never been of any interest to him. And yet here he was...

His thoughts were interrupted as Mc Gonagall stopped. He and Lily almost walked right into her and as she stepped aside James could see a portrait hanging on an otherwise empty wall. As he got even closer he could make out a man sitting inside the portrait, wearing armor and looking somehow familiar...

Lily suddenly gasped.

"Professor... Is that... Is that _Godric Gryffindor_?"

It was not until then that James remembered where he'd seen the man before; in his schoolbook _Hogwarts: A History_. And he was pretty sure Lily was right, seeing as the man also had a sword with the words _GODRIC GRYFFINDOR _carved into them. He was asleep, but his half long brown hair and the lines on his face somehow indicated that he'd once been very... powerful.

"In fact ms Evans, it is" professor Mc Gonagall replied, clearing her throat loudly to wake him up.

"I didn't know there was a portrait of him here at the school..." Lily mumbled absentmindedly, not taking her eyes off the portrait.

James didn't know who she was addressing but figured that she probably wouldn't want him to say anything, anyway. He'd lost count of how many times Mc Gonagall had cleared her throat, now looking somewhat impatient, when Godric Gryffindor finally started stirring in his portrait.

"Minerva..." he said sleepily, trying to sit up his straight in his chair. "What brings you here in the middle of the night?"

"Godric" Mc Gonagall greeted him back and James could hear that, despite everything, there was pride in her voice.

Being the head of Gryffindor house she probably considered it an honor to even get to talk to the founder of the house himself.

"And in case you want to know, it's not even eleven o' clock yet"

This caused Gryffindor's eyes to widen and he grabbed his sword and looked around confusedly.

"Really? How is that possible? I was only supposed to take a short nap and then..."

"Anyway" Mc Gonagall interrupted him, acknowledging James and Lily for the first time since Gryffindor had woken up. "I'm here to show this year's Head Girl and Head Boy their new living quarter"

At this, Gryffindor's eyes widened even more and he turned to look at James and Lily. James found himself staring down at the floor and from the corner of his eye he could see that Lily was doing the same thing. For some inexplicable reason he just _knew _that this man had to be treated with respect.

"Ah... Two gryffindors this year, that has not happened in a long time" Gryffindor pointed out and Mc Gonagall looked somewhat pleased as she replied:

"Not since 1923, actually. Which is why I thought it'd be a great idea to let you guard the entrance to their common room"

"With pleasure! Now let me take a closer look at the two of you"

As James and Lily both lifted their heads and looked into his big and warm looking brown eyes Gryffindor chuckled silently.

"Well well... Haven't you outdone yourself this year, Minerva? I have been around during the past couple of years and I have witnessed everything. Potter and Evans living under the same roof, this could indeed be interesting..."

"Oh, look at the time!" Mc Gonagall suddenly interrupted him sharply, without looking at her wrist watch once. "I am sure Potter and Evans are both tired and would very much like to go to sleep. _Lion's Den_!"

After this, Gryffindor didn't speak another word and the portrait swung open.

"After you" Mc Gonagall said and indicated with her hand for James and Lily to climb inside.

**Lily**

It was beautiful.

There was no better way to describe it, and Lily was left staring at it all in awe for what was probably minutes. Seeing as she and James were both Gryffindor students the common room was decorated almost entirely in red and yellow. There were two extremely comfortable looking couches, two armchairs and a crackling fire just like the one in the Gryffindor common room.

Except this room was _a lot _bigger.

On one side there were three enormous bookshelves filled with so many books Lily knew she'd never have time to read them all. There were two writing desks standing opposite each other, probably so she and James could do their homework, and on the floor was the softest looking carpet Lily had ever seen.

"This is perfect..." she breathed, silently wondering what the bathroom and her bedroom would look like if the standard was this high...

Mc Gonagall looked pleased at her remark.

"I couldn't agree more, ms Evans" she said. "Now, Potter your room is up those stairs to the left..."

She pointed towards a short staircase at the other end of the common room. It led to a door with a sign saying "JAMES POTTER" on it.

"And yours is up those stairs to the right, Evans"

Lily's own bedroom door looked just the same, apart from the fact that the sign said "LILY EVANS" instead. She also noticed that there was a door in between her and James' bedrooms and Mc Gonagall soon informed them that this was the shared bathroom.

Of course, it would have been even better if Lily hadn't had to share her bathroom with _Potter _of all people, but it could be worse. At least she had her very _own _bedroom.

"So the password's 'Lion's Den'?" James suddenly asked and Lily was surprised to hear him speak without being spoken to.

The old James Potter was an expert at that, but she was pretty sure she could count the things he'd said today on one hand.

"That's right Potter" Mc Gonagall said, nodding slightly. "The password will be changed every other month and someone will let you know before that happens. I think you are already aware of the fact that this common room is for the two of you _only_. If you want to see your other friends you can always go back to the Gryffindor common room"

Lily thought it was funny how the Transfiguration teacher used the words "_other _friends", as if she and James were actually friends with _each other_. She, if anyone, knew perfectly well how many fights they'd gotten into over the years.

"Where is your badge, Potter?"

Lily looked up, not very surprised to find that James' Head Boy badge was still nowhere to be seen. However, at Mc Gonagall's words, he pulled it out of his pocket and showed it to her.

"It's right here"

"Then why aren't you wearing it?"

Mc Gonagall's voice was full of disapproval.

"I forgot" James said quietly and Lily knew the second he'd spoken the words that it was a lie.

For even though she wanted to feel angry with him for becoming Head Boy, she knew that he'd never wanted this. This had been _her _dream, not his. And if James had a choice, he'd probably throw that badge into the lake the first chance he got.

"Very well..." Mc Gonagall said, interrupting Lily's thoughts. "It's been a long day and I assume you're both tired. I think that is all you need to know right now and I will give you more information later on"

"Right" Lily said, nodding. "Thank you professor"

Mc Gonagall nodded back and then, without a word, she turned around and left. The sound echoed as the Gryffindor's portrait closed behind her and Lily swallowed, wondering exactly how uncomfortable this would be...

She turned to look at James, only to ask him if he wanted to use the bathroom first, but was surprised to find that he was not still standing beside her. Lily looked around the big common room and soon found him standing by one of the windows, looking outside with his back facing her.

"We're on the ninth floor so I wouldn't try to jump if I were you"

She didn't know why she said it, or why she even spoke to him _at all_. The words just came out. Wow, she'd actually tried to _joke _with James Potter? Where was the world heading at? Perhaps she was just nervous and she had to say _something _considering the fact that she couldn't stand the complete silence...

"Why would I jump?"

James had turned around to face her again and there was no sign of laughter, or even a smile, on his pale face. Now, Lily felt plain stupid and she looked down at the floor as she started muttering, more to herself than to him:

"Nothing it's just... In muggle movies when people stand by a window like that they sometimes plan on..."

She drifted off. Now that she was trying to tell him the actual point of her joke, it didn't even seem funny anymore. She had to remind herself that he didn't know her the way Alice and her other friends did. He had no idea her humour could sometimes be quite... dark, and he was far from the only one.

Nevertheless, joking about death, suicide or not, was not something you did in front of James Potter these days. Why didn't she think of that?

"Never mind" she finished lamely and James was left staring at her for a moment before he slowly started walking around the common room, obviously taking it all in.

"It's really nice in here"

There, she did it again. _Why_? Why wouldn't she just _shut up _and enjoy the silence?

Because she was not used to this.

Because a completely silent not-annoying and actually _civil _James Potter made her feel nervous. Was this how it was going to be all year? Her blabbering on like a complete idiot and him barely saying a word, obviously not very keen on talking to her at all?

He looked at her again and it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. Perhaps because she'd never really tried before. She'd always taken for granted that there was nothing more to him than what met the eye.

"Yeah"

There was another silence. Lily couldn't bring herself to move, but simply watched as James took another quick look around the room. He didn't look very excited by any of it. Then, he turned away from her again and started walking towards the stairs leading up to his bedroom.

"That's it?"

Lily was surprised to find that her voice sounded somewhat... weaker than usual. Since when had she been uncomfortable talking to Potter? Angry, sure. But never _uncomfortable. _She'd always known what to say and what to do. She had never been afraid of him and how he'd react, since he'd been so easy to read. Like a bloody book.

But not anymore.

And just like on the train only hours earlier he stopped, but he didn't turn around to face her. He waited. And Lily, who found it confusing, annoying and above all _unusual_ that she didn't have everything under complete control asked:

"You're not going to ask me how my summer's been? What I've been up to? If I'll go out with you?"

She'd always hated all those questions. But at least they meant normality. Safety.

Now, James slowly turned his head so she could make out at least parts of his face. His voice was low and seemed to be full of disbelief and emptiness at the same time, if that was even possible:

"Surely you don't _want _me to do that, Evans?"

Lily was glad that the common room was dim lighted, for she could feel the colour rising on her cheeks at his words. Was he suggesting that she actually _wanted _him to ask her questions? No way in hell. She snorted and was just about to tell him so, when he left without waiting for her reply.

_OF COURSE I DON'T __**WANT **__THAT. BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ACTING ALL WEIRD AND DIFFERENT, EITHER!_

She wanted to scream after him, but what was the point? Lily got the feeling he wouldn't care about any of it, anyway. The sound coming from when he closed his bedroom door behind him made her feel very... alone.

And stupid.

Over the years, as she'd laid awake in bed and wondered what being Head Girl would be like, this was not at all what she'd expected.

**James**

James truthfully enjoyed the silence as he'd closed the door behind him and drowned out Evans and all thoughts she brought with her. For the first time ever, her mere voice was setting his teeth on edge.

_"That's it?"_

Yes Lily, that's it. No questions. No talking. No pathetic tries at flirting. He was done with all that. Because none of it even mattered anymore. So why did she bother? Why did people even _bother _trying to bring the old James back? He was gone and would never return.

James pulled out his wand and pointed it at the door.

"Muffliato" he muttered under his breath, hoping that the charm would give him some sense of privacy.

Then, after having thrown his wand at the bed, he walked over to his trunk. He kicked it hard, thinking about Evans. He kicked it again, this time with an image of Dumbledore on his mind. It was that old fool's fault he was here in the first place. Another kick. Same went for Mc Gonagall. His aunt and her worries. Sirius, Remus and Peter. All people feeling sorry for him. Kick after kick after kick. Harder and harder and harder.

He hated it all. So much.

Just like he'd feared, James didn't feel much better once he was done. But at least the pain in his foot, just like running, took his mind off it all. He sat on the floor, leaning against the bed standing behind him, and took in the entire bedroom for the first time.

In here, the walls were all white and the two windows were big enough to climb out through, should one feel like it. That made James think about Lily's "joke" down in the common room earlier. She'd seemed uncomfortable, embarrassed even, and muttered something about muggle "moovis", whatever that was...

James continued the examination of his new bedroom. The bedspread was yellow and red and same went for the soft carpet covering most of the floor. Evans had been right down in the common room earlier; it was all perfect.

It was only too bad the circumstances sucked.

**Lily**

Lily was lying in bed, sighing happily to herself. She'd taken almost half an hour examining her new bedroom and it was safe to say that she was very pleased; it was almost even better than the common room. Because this was her _own _place that no one but _she _had access to.

Least of all Potter.

_Don't think about that! _Lily scolded herself. _Don't let him ruin this perfect night._

Because it was, actually, quite perfect. This was her last year at Hogwarts and she'd made it. She was Head Girl. Her dream had come true. Thinking that she was too excited by it all to actually go to sleep yet she grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from her trunk and started writing a letter to her parents:

_Dear mum and dad,_

_I miss you already but I'm really happy to be back at Hogwarts and it's great to see all my friends and professors again. Being Head Girl is way better than I could ever imagine, you should see our common room! Also, I have a bedroom all to myself now, which is great. _

_There's only one problem though... James Potter is Head Boy! I just couldn't believe it at first and I still have no idea why Dumbledore and professor Mc Gonagall (my head of house) chose __**him**__! Hopefully they'll realize their mistake soon enough, even though I must admit that Potter seems... different this year. In fact, he's very quiet and gloomy but I guess that has to do with the fact that his parents died only months ago..._

_Anyway, it's almost midnight now and I have to go to sleep. Classes start tomorrow and I'm really excited! I'll write soon again and tell you more, hope you're doing all right at home._

_Love,  
Lily_

Lily put the quill down and after having given the letter to her owl Barty and let him out the window, she turned off the lights and climbed back into bed. She enjoyed the complete silence that was usually interrupted by her dormmates' talks and giggles, and soon drifted off to sleep.

After all, being Head Girl was great.

**James**

_He suddenly noticed something in her eyes that he'd never seen there before. Desperation. And pure fear. It caught him so off guard he immediately stopped speaking._

_"James" she repeated, turning her head towards the closed door every other second. _

_"Listen to me" she said and grabbed his shoulder fiercely, it almost hurt. "You have to get out of here"_

_He still didn't understand. Why would he have to get out of his own house? _

_"No, I'm not going anywhere. If something happens I want to be here. I want to help you..."_

_"NO!" _

_She shook his shoulders, as if to make him understand. She had tears in her eyes and swallowed several times before saying, her voice thick:_

_"We won't let anything happen to you"_

_"What do you mean..."_

_"JUST LISTEN TO ME JAMES! GET OUT OF HERE NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Apparate to your aunt's house, she'll take care of you..."_

James awoke with a start, breathing so heavily he felt like almost no air actually entered his lungs. Of course. Why had he been naive enough to think that it'd all stop just because he came back to Hogwarts?

At least tonight he'd woken up before they actually...

_Stop it._

James noticed that his hands were trembling badly and tried to make it stop by covering his face in his hands. He could feel that his forehead was all sweaty, almost as if he'd just been out running.

All he saw was green light.

"Please..." he whispered, without addressing anyone in particular.

His voice was hoarse. Full of desperation.

"Just make it stop"

That was all he asked for, really. Someone, or something, that could take all the pain away. Make him forget. But it was impossible.

**Author's note: It took me a while to get this chapter ready but here it is. Thanks for reading and please leave a review if you liked it, it'd really mean a lot to me! **


	7. First Day

**First Day**

_"You said that you've never been  
But all the things that you've seen  
Will slowly fade away"_

_Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger_

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

Lily was running around her new bedroom like crazy, trying to get ready as soon as possible so she'd make it down to breakfast in time. Considering the fact that she'd been made Head Girl, one could easily guess that Lily was quite good at keeping track of things. However, getting out of bed in the mornings had never been one of her talents and it had always been Alice's job to make sure that Lily didn't oversleep and missed the first lesson of the day.

And that couldn't happen this very morning, Lily thought as she silently cursed her wand for not drying her hair faster. This was the first day of her last year at Hogwarts and she didn't want to miss a minute of it.

Once she was finished and had grabbed all the things she needed, Lily hurried out of her bedroom and slammed the door shut behind her. After all, she didn't want Potter to come in there snooping...

Speaking of Potter.

For a split second, Lily stopped and took a quick glance around the common room. It was deserted, looking exactly like it had when they both went to bed last night. James' bedroom door was closed.

_He _probably got up on time, Lily thought angrily and started running as she dared to look at her watch. Unless she wanted to bring her breakfast to their first lesson she really had to leave now. She didn't even have time to say good morning to Godric Gryffindor, who called something after her as she set off down the ninth floor corridor.

As Lily finally reached the Great Hall she noticed, to her big relief, that most students were still seated. She also managed to get eye contact with Alice who waved, indicating for her to come and sit down. It wasn't until Lily did, and had greeted all her friends good morning, that she noticed that the Marauders were sitting only a few seats away.

_Great._

"Couldn't you have chosen some other place to sit?" Lily muttered under her breath and grabbed a piece of toast.

Alice raised her eyebrows at her and then, following Lily's angry glare, realization fell upon her face.

"Oh" she just said. "I take it that you two couldn't even put your differences aside now that you're actually _working _together!"

"Did you get into a fight?" Amelia asked curiously, leaning slightly closer to Lily while casting a quick glance at James who kept poking around in his food.

"No..." Lily shook her head slowly before taking a sip from her pumpkin juice. "No, we couldn't possibly fight since he barely spoke a word to me all night"

"I thought that's what you wanted?" Alice pointed out, looking truthfully confused. "Haven't you wished for Potter to leave you alone ever since... what, first year?"

"I know and I should be enjoying this but it's just..." Lily drifted off, grimacing slightly. "I don't know what to make of it, you know? How do I act around him, what do I say? He's like a ticking bomb that might explode at any second!"

"You know what, it actually sounds as if you're _worried _to hurt his feelings" Rebecca said and she, Alice and Amelia all smirked before exchanging a meaningful glance that Lily had no idea what to make of.

She snorted loudly.

"That's the stupidest... I don't _worry _about him! I just..."

"I suggest you finish that piece of toast if you want to get to class on time, ms Evans"

Lily was interrupted by Mc Gonagall's stern voice and as she looked up at the older witch she could see that she was carrying a bunch of timetables. She handed one each to Lily and her friends and informed them:

"Your first lesson is History of Magic. Now, remember that this is your NEWT-year so listening to professor Binns might actually be a very good idea"

"That's easier said than done..." Alice muttered under her breath, but Lily didn't hear her since she was busy eying Mc Gonagall who had now reached Potter and his friends.

As she was handing James his timetable a look of worry fell upon her face and her forehead creased.

"Are you all right, Potter?"

It was not until then that Lily noticed the dark circles under James' eyes; he looked like he hadn't slept at all.

"Yeah, I'm fine"

He obviously pretended to be very interested in the timetable only so Mc Gonagall would leave him alone sooner. However, she didn't seem to be done just yet:

"I certainly hope so, for I have always been told that the beds in the Head dorms are the most comfortable ones in the entire cast..."

"I said I'm _fine_!"

James hadn't raised his voice, but his words still caused some people to turn around in their seats. Interrupting Mc Gonagall was not something one usually did but surprisingly enough, James didn't look even the slightest remorseful and the Transfiguration teacher didn't look angry.

In fact, she looked even more worried than before.

"Very well" she said quietly and then, after having given Sirius, Remus and Peter their timetables, she continued her walk down the Gryffindor table.

"He's gone mental, that one"

Rebecca's voice was low but Lily could still make out every word. And she was starting to wonder whether her friend's words were actually true.

**James**

"Wow mate, you should be lucky you didn't get into any trouble for that" Sirius said as soon as Mc Gonagall had left them, but James simply rolled his eyes.

"Why? Since when is it a crime to be tired on the morning of the first day?"

Sirius was quiet for a second but then seemed to summon up the courage to point out:

"Well, you actually _do _look quite ill and..."

But he drifted off and James pretended not to notice the look that Remus gave Sirius. The one that said "Just leave it". Even though James was grateful that Remus convinced Sirius to drop the whole matter, he didn't appreciate that his friends were discussing him behind his back.

He hadn't _asked _for any of this.

Feeling like he needed some sort of distraction from all of it, even professor Binns would do, he stood up and swung his bag over his shoulder.

"Let's get to class or we'll be late"

Remus smiled.

"It seems like I might have had a good influence on you, after all" he said, following James' lead. "Since when do you care about getting to class in time?"

_Since everything in between classes became nothing but a waste of time._

James shrugged slightly and was just about to turn around and leave the Great Hall, when he found himself staring right into Lily Evans' bright green eyes. She looked right at him, furrowing slightly as if she was trying to figure something out.

As if she was trying to figure _him _out.

James looked away - this was the last thing he needed right now.

**James**

Having spent six entire years at Hogwarts, James was ready to say that this was the worst day so far. History of Magic in the morning had been okay - his classmates had only stared at him when first entering the classroom and spent the rest of the lesson half asleep on their desks.

Herbology, their next subject, was worse. James knew that professor Sprout had given them loads of homework during the holidays to prepare for their NEWT-exams, and he hadn't finished any of it. Therefore, it was not very easy to keep up and working with Peter, who wasn't exactly the brightest person on earth, didn't make it any easier.

"Oh no Potter, hold it like that and it'll bite off your fingers!"

Professor Sprout grabbed the plant firmly and seemed to make sure that James and Peter hadn't caused it some permanent damage. Sirius, who worked with Remus who was obviously an expert on how to treat the plants, seemed to find the whole thing hilarious. Once the lesson was over, and James and his friends were heading up towards the castle for lunch, he had lots of dirt under his fingernails and his arms ached like never before.

Also, the pompous Hufflepuff student Nigel Finch-Fletchley had walked up to him and said "No one blames you for not treating that plant right, James. After everything you've been through it's completely understandable that Herbology is not your first priority". Perhaps Nigel meant well, but Remus still had to stop James from hexing him from behind.

He didn't _want _people's sympathy.

Even though James, as usual, didn't feel very hungry lunch was definitely the best time of the day. At least it wasn't a constant reminder of how much he'd missed when skipping his homework and how much trouble he'd probably have passing his NEWT-exams.

On the afternoon they had Charms with the ravenclaws for over two hours and James spent most of the lesson trying his best to laugh at Sirius' jokes and figure out why he suddenly had trouble handling a simple summoning charm.

"It's only because you haven't practiced it in a while" Remus said kindly but James ignored him, muttering:

"Yeah? Then how come you still got it in you?"

By the time all today's lessons were over and they'd had dinner in the Great Hall, James felt like he hadn't slept in days. He needed to be alone and so he turned down Remus' offer to spent some time in the library, studying.

"Come on Remus, we've only been here a day and you're already studying?"

Sirius shook his head in disbelief.

"But this is our last year and in case you don't remember, we got homework from Binns, Sprout _and _Flitwick!" Remus pointed out and James felt sick - more schoolwork he needed to attend to.

Somehow, Remus managed to convince Sirius to join him in the library but James stood his ground.

"I... I have to send my aunt a letter and then I think I'll just go to bed"

It didn't take too much to convince them and once he'd said goodbye James left the Great Hall, and headed for his and Lily's new living quarter.

**Sirius**

"I'm worried about James"

Remus looked up from his already half-finished essay at Sirius' words and sighed heavily.

"Who isn't?"

Sirius had long ago abandoned his own homework and absentmindedly played with his quill while staring out the library window. It was all dark outside, a reminder of that autumn already seemed to have arrived. From this point everything would be colder. Darker. Heavier.

"I mean, of course I knew that all this that happened with his parents would change him but... Not like this"

When Remus didn't reply Sirius exclaimed:

"He's like a completely different person, Remus!"

"I know"

"It's like we've never even known him!"

Another sigh.

"I know"

"So what do we do?!"

Now that Sirius had posed that question he almost wished he hadn't. For he was afraid that Remus, who always had the answer to all of their problems, wouldn't know what to do in this situation. Perhaps he'd just say that there was no way they could have this "new" James replaced by the old one. His best mate that Sirius missed so much.

"Well, for a start we need to keep him away from the slytherins" Remus said seriously and Sirius furrowed.

"Why? Did they do something to him?"

Lately, he'd felt more like James' older brother than his best friend. Sirius almost considered it his _job _to protect James from the outside world and all the things that could make him feel even worse than he already did.

"No, not that I know of" Remus replied, shaking his head slowly.

He, too, seemed to have forgotten all about professor Binns' essay by now.

"But we all know how much they've always hated James for everything that's happened between them in the past. Don't you think Snape would be willing to make a mean remark about Mr and Mrs Potter as soon as he got the chance?"

Sirius remained silent for a moment, contemplating his friends words. It was true that Snape, if anyone, would want revenge on James for everything that he'd done. Also, Sirius was pretty sure that Snape blamed the Marauders for the fact that he was no longer best friends with Lily Evans. But it was not like James was the one who'd called her a mudblood...

His thoughts were interrupted as Remus continued:

"Come to think of it, how do we even know that none of their parents did it? Take your cousin Bellatrix Lestrange for instance..."

Sirius grimaced.

"Her parents are death eaters, aren't they?"

"Yeah"

"Well, how do we know they're not the ones who killed James' parents? I guess the odds are quite small but it still could be!"

Remus was right and even though Sirius had practically no contact with his family whatsoever, he felt horrible knowing that some of _his _relatives might have caused the death of James' caring and loving parents. The bare thought made him feel sick.

"Maybe that's the thing..." he said absentmindedly, staring at nothing in particular as he spoke and Remus furrowed.

"What do you mean?"

Sirius leaned slightly forward in his seat and made sure that no one was eavesdropping on him and Remus before he started:

"James has always been that kind of person who hates talking about his feelings, right?"

"Yeah, apart from when it comes to Lily..."

"But even then he's always talked about _her_!" Sirius exclaimed impatiently. "It was always describing _Lily's_ looks and _Lily's_ amazing personality, he never talked about what _he _truly felt!"

Remus was quiet for a short while and then nodded slightly.

"I guess you're right..." he said slowly and Sirius continued, willing to prove his point:

"And so we've always taken for granted that James doesn't want to talk about any of this, right?

"Right"

"But what if he does? We never even bothered to ask..."

Remus looked doubtful.

"I'm sorry, but I just find it hard to believe that James would actually be willing to open up and..."

"Fine, let me rephrase" Sirius said quickly. "Maybe James doesn't _want _to talk but I'd bet you anything he _needs _it!"

To his great annoyance Remus raised his eyebrows.

"So what's your plan? Walking right up to him and say: 'Hi James, fancy a little chat about what actually happened that night your parents died?'?"

Unfortunately, Sirius had no answer ready for that particular question.

"I'm still working on that one..." he muttered, grabbing his quill again to continue with the essay. "And I'll figure something out. Eventually"

**Lily**

_Come on Lily, you can do this. It's not like it's __**that **__strange, knocking on Potter's bedroom door. A year ago the mere thought would have made him squeal out of happiness..._

But not anymore.

Lily cursed under her breath, thinking that she had to act soon. The situation would be even more awkward if James opened the door from the inside now, and found her standing there... As if it'd burned her, Lily let go of the door-handle and backed a few steps.

What was the matter with her? Since when did she even _care _what Potter thought? Was she afraid of what he might say? After all, he hadn't seemed very keen on talking to anyone ever since they returned to Hogwarts the night before. He'd probably just get really annoyed and slam the door in her face and...

_And what? _Lily asked herself. _What's the worst thing that could happen? _

Besides, it was not like _she _was the one who'd made him Head Boy. Still, it was Lily's and his responsibility to schedule the prefect meetings and with quidditch practises and everything else coming up it was good to set dates as soon as possible. Therefore, she wanted to talk to him.

She _needed _to talk to him.

_Then do it, coward._

Lily ignored the voice in her head but took a step forward and bit her lip before knocking on James' bedroom door. It wasn't until then that she realized that he might not even be in there...

For a moment, Lily stood there in complete silence and waited. Then, as nothing happened she figured that she could always come back later. For some very stupid and annoying reason, that thought was a relief. She was just about to turn around and descend the steps when the door opened.

"Oh! You're here"

Lily jumped in surprise, but she couldn't tell whether it was because she hadn't expected him to be there or because he looked awful. If James had looked tired before, that was nothing compared to how he looked now. For an awkward moment they were left staring at each other and then Lily cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

After all, it was almost nine...

"No"

His eyes were empty and yet Lily couldn't help thinking that there was curiosity there, too. Well, she didn't blame him. Since when did she, Lily Evans, speak to James Potter unless he addressed her first?

"Um... You know, I was just thinking..."

Why on earth did she sound like a nervous eleven-year-old schoolgirl? James continued to stare at her and no wonder; she sounded pathetic...

"We need to schedule this term's prefect meetings"

He opened his mouth to say something but Lily quickly continued:

"I know that you don't want it to get in the way of the Gryffindor team's quidditch practices, being captain and all, so if you just let me know what days you have..."

"I haven't really put much thought to that yet"

Lily drifted off and hoped that she didn't look as surprised as she felt. Usually, nothing was more important to James than winning the quidditch cup. And now he had nothing at all planned for his team? How could that be?

"Oh" she just said.

There was another silence and Lily felt a strong urge to stay right where she was and walk away at the same time. It was obvious that James was exhausted and didn't want to deal with any of this right now and still, that was not her problem... She took a deep breath and started:

"Anyway, I think we're supposed to arrange three meetings during this term to discuss patrolling schedules and such. I was thinking we might have the first one next Wednesday because then..."

She was speaking fast, too fast, and yet James sighed before she was finished and she fell silent at once. He ran his fingers through his hair and as their gazes locked Lily felt almost afraid of what this new person, the one she didn't know, would do or say.

"Can we take this tomorrow, Evans? I have things I need to take care of"

_What things?_

At that moment she found the reason why he'd opened the door in the first place - he had a letter in his hand and he was probably heading for the owlery to send it with one of the school owls...

"Don't you have an owl?"

Okay, now it was definitely time for her to leave. So why was she still standing here, asking annoying questions? James raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"Yeah, why?"

Lily nodded towards the letter in his hand.

"Why not use him instead of heading for the owlery at this hour..."

"I need some air"

For the first time he sounded frustrated and that was really all it took for Lily to nod shortly and step aside so he could get through.

"Right" she said quietly.

She watched in silence as he made his way through the common room, obviously keen on getting out of here as soon as possible. With his hand on the portrait of Gryffindor, ready to push it open, he suddenly said:

"Good night Evans"

And then he left. Lily stared after him, sighing and shaking her head out of confusion. Who was this person?

"Good night Potter" she muttered to herself, before she made her way up to her own bedroom.

It had been a long day.

**Author's note: The only good thing about being home sick is that I get more time to write, haha. Thank you so much for your reviews! I can't believe 40 people are actually following this story now, it might not seem a lot to some of you but it is to me :P **

**Please leave a review if you liked it, I love reading them no matter what they say! :)**


	8. The Prefect Meeting

**The Prefect Meeting**

_"We're not the same, dear, as we used to be  
The seasons have changed and so have we"_

_Death Cab for Cutie - The Ice Is Getting Thinner_

James woke up on Wednesday morning, thinking that it'd definitely be the worst day of his second week back at Hogwarts. First of all, he and his classmates had to endure Potions with the slytherins the entire afternoon. Also, knowing that Lily wouldn't stop bothering him unless he said yes, James had told her that they could have the first prefect meeting tonight.

As he got dressed and packed the books he needed into his bag he cast an angry glare at the Head Boy badge lying on his bedside table. As far as James could tell, Lily would wear with pride as often as she could whilst he, who'd hated the thing from the very start, almost never put it on.

_Well, I'm not wearing it today, _he told himself as he was exiting his bedroom. _Tonight is more than enough._

The common room was deserted and he figured that Lily hadn't woken up yet; he liked getting up really early and she usually came hurrying into the Great Hall ten minutes before classes started.

James acknowledged the other Marauders by the Gryffindor table with nothing but a short nod, before he tried his best to focus on today's Prophet that his owl had recently delivered. Of course, he'd hated it ever since they'd published several articles about what had happened to him during the summer. But at least it was something that would momentarily stop his friends from bothering him with questions and tries at making conversation.

And most of the time he couldn't handle that, even if he wanted to.

Suddenly, just as James was about to finish his very small piece of toast, Sirius cleared his throat nervously and said:

"Hey Prongs, what do you say about playing some quidditch tonight?"

The hopeful look on his face made it even harder for James to say something. Before he had time to, however, Sirius continued:

"Might be good now that the season is about to start, don't you think? When's Gryffindor's first practice session, by the way?"

Together with being Head Boy, the fact that James was also quidditch captain was what made him want to go right back to sleep the moment he opened his eyes in the mornings. And just like he'd told Evans last week, he still hadn't given much thought to the answer to Sirius' question. It felt pathetic to even admit it to himself, but being back at school was such a big challenge alone that quidditch had not exactly been one of James' biggest priorities.

"I don't know" he replied shortly, turning back to his newspaper and hoping that Sirius would drop the matter. "Next week, probably"

_Yeah? What makes you think you'll be able to deal with it then?_

James could see from the corner of his eye how his friends exchanged a quick glance, Peter looking like he had no idea what it was all about, and Remus asked:

"Well, it might be a good thing to get some practice then, right? And tonight would be great since we don't have as much homework as last week and..."

"I can't tonight" James stood up, realizing that Transfiguration started in five minutes. "Evans and I have to hold this prefect meeting"

Remus' eyes widened in surprise and then realization fell upon his face.

"That's right, I'd forgotten all about that even though I'm actually going. What do you two have planned?"

But James didn't reply. As he and his friends were walking through the school corridors on their way to Mc Gonagall's classroom, he was too busy wondering what Sirius was up to. Ever since last week he'd seemed nervous in James' company and he constantly gave suggestions on things they could do together.

James almost got the feeling that his best friend wanted to be alone with him only so he could confront him about something, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know what that was...

**Lily**

"So, first prefect meeting tonight then?"

Lily only nodded as a reply to Alice's question, seeing as she was so busy stuffing food into her mouth. She felt almost like a teenage boy, but she'd overslept again this morning and barely had time for any breakfast. Besides, their first lesson with Mc Gonagall had been really exhausting. The things they were now trying to learn were on such a high level Lily sometimes had trouble keeping up and even students like Potter, who'd always been very good at Transfiguration, performed poorly.

But then again, he didn't seem to enjoy any subject these days...

Mostly to take her mind off the matter Lily answered her friend's question:

"Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it"

"What are you going to discuss?" Amelia asked curiously and Lily grimaced slightly.

"Patrolling and such, I guess. I asked Potter if there was anything he'd like to add but he didn't seem very keen on talking to me at all, so..."

Alice raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Well, that's odd..."

"Not really" Lily replied dryly, thinking about the short and almost annoyed tone in James' voice when he'd finally agreed upon having the meeting tonight. "Honestly, I'll be happy if he even shows up"

"Of course he'll show up" Alice said. "Otherwise he would have given that badge back long ago..."

"Well why isn't he?!" Lily exclaimed, but she was careful not to raise her voice since James was having lunch with his friends only a few seats away. "It's obvious that he doesn't want any of this so why won't he just march up to Dumbledore's office and make sure that Remus gets it... Stop laughing at me!"

Lily glared at her best friend who, for some reason, seemed to have trouble keeping a straight face. She even laughed slightly as she replied:

"I'm sorry Lily but it's just... You look really _upset_!"

"Well maybe I am" Lily snapped, wondering how no one seemed to notice how much of a disaster all this really was. "There are plenty of students here who'd kill for that badge and honestly, _I _wouldn't mind go finding Dumbledore and tell him that..."

"You can't tell him anything, Lily" Alice interrupted her tiredly. "He must have had a good reason for choosing Potter and there's nothing you can do to change that. You just have to give him a chance. Now come on or we'll be late for Potions"

**Lily**

The first thing Lily noticed when she and Alice entered the dungeons was Snape and his friends standing close together, obviously whispering amongst themselves. As Lily passed them by her and Snape's gazes locked for a split second but she quickly looked away; she didn't want anything to do with him this year.

"_Stupid _death eaters..." Lily muttered under her breath once she and her best friend had joined the other gryffindors who were already waiting for Slughorn to arrive.

Alice raised her eyebrows.

"I thought you said you weren't going to pay any attention to Sniv... Snape this year"

The look on her friend's face had made Alice change her words last second, but Lily knew what she'd been about to say. The nickname Potter and his friends had created for Snape was still well-used, even though none of the "geniuses" behind it seemed to be very fond of it this year. Perhaps it all lost its fun when James himself did. Not that Lily had ever considered him funny in the first place.

"Well, it turns out avoiding him isn't as easy as I thought it would be" she muttered, casting another quick glance at Snape and his friends when she was sure he wasn't looking. "We have quite many lessons with the slytherins this year"

"I know" Alice said, furrowing slightly. "One can't help wondering if Dumbledore's done it on purpose, always going on about house unity and all... Anyway, I don't think _you_ are the person Snape and his friends are most likely to bother..."

"HEY POTTER!"

Lily and Alice both looked up at the sound of Bellatrix Lestrange's shrill sounding voice and a moment later they both spotted James and his friends entering the dungeons. Lily tried to catch a glimpse of the look on James' face but it was impossible since Bellatrix went to stand in the middle of the hallway, blocking the Marauders' way.

"Oh no..." Alice muttered under her breath right as Bellatrix said, loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Actually, we were just talking about you! You look so... _pouty _these days Potter, not even showing off with your newest broomstick. What's that about?"

"Get out of the way, Bella" Sirius said threateningly, his voice as cold as ice. "And shut up, or I might have to hex you"

But Bellatrix just laughed so loudly it echoed throughout the dungeons. The sound alone sent shivers down Lily's spine.

"You really scare me, cousin" she said sarcastically without taking her eyes off James.

"What's the matter Potter? Lost our ability to speak, did we? Does it have something to do with _poor _mummy and daddy finally getting what they deserved..."

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Sirius roared, drawing his wand and pointing it right at his cousin's chest.

Several students gasped, knowing that Sirius was quite a talented wizard for his age and Lily and Alice exchanged a worried glance. However, the fight was interrupted as Slughorn's nervous sounding voice could be heard from somewhere behind Lily:

"Calm down students, calm down! Mr Black, that's not a proper way to treat a fellow classmate, is it? Now let's all get inside so we can start the lesson!"

Bellatrix, who obviously didn't want to get into trouble, left the scene without a word and hurried to join her friends on their way into the classroom. Sirius looked furious but James, on the other hand, looked mostly... numb. It was way worse.

Alice stared at Slughorn in disbelief and started:

"But... But professor didn't you hear what Bellatrix Lestrange just..."

"Now now, let's forget all about that, shall we?" Slughorn chuckled and forced them all into the classroom. "Personally, I think this house unity Dumbledore's talking about is a great way for you to learn how to treat each other with respect!"

"Yeah right..." Alice muttered to Lily once they'd taken their seats. "The day the slytherins suddenly decide upon treating the gryffindors with_ respect _I'll eat up my wand"

**James**

When heading for the classroom Lily had told him the prefect meeting would take place in, James tried his best not to think about what had happened before Potions class earlier that afternoon.

_"Does it have something to do with __**poor**__ mummy and daddy finally getting what they deserved..."_

_You're weak, _James told himself. _If you can't ev_e_n handle bullies like Bellatrix Lestrange..._

But criticizing himself couldn't take his mind off the _real_ matter.

Would it always be like this? Would he have to endure remarks like the ones he'd received today all year and would he be able to keep acting as if he were fine with it? That seemed to be all that he was these days. _Fine._ At least, it was all he wanted people to _think _that he was.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

James kept telling himself that if he only believed it hard enough, one day it'd be true.

His thoughts were interrupted as he opened the door leading into the classroom, and he found twenty four pair of eyes staring right back at him. He tried to ignore them all as he went to stand next to Lily up front. Of course he had to be late. That was just great.

"Thank god you're here..." Lily muttered, only loud enough for him to hear, before she said:

"Welcome, everyone, to this year's first prefect meeting! In case any of you don't remember if from the train ride a week ago, I'm Lily Evans and this is James Potter"

James forced himself to look at all students sitting in front of him and he could see how a fifth year Ravenclaw boy he didn't know the name of leaned forward and whispered something to his friend. Lily probably noticed, for she quickly continued:

"Pot... James and I were thinking that it might be good for us all to see each other like this at least three times each term. And even though it is likely to change, we have decided that the next meeting will take place on October the 30th and the one after that on December 21st, the day before we go home for Christmas. Sounds good?"

Some of the prefects nodded and mumbled "yes", and James watched as one or two pulled out pieces of parchment from their bags and started taking notes. He almost smiled when thinking about what Sirius would have to say if he were here right now...

"I have a question"

The Ravenclaw boy who'd whispered with his friend earlier raised his hand and Lily nodded towards him.

"Go ahead"

"What about quidditch practices? I've heard being a prefect involves quite an intense patrolling schedule and I really need to focus if Ravenclaw's going to have any chance of winning the quidditch cup this year..."

"Don't worry, there's no way you'll win anyway"

A sixth year Hufflepuff girl, whose last name James remembered to be Diggory, gave the Ravenclaw boy a cocky grin and some other students snickered. James himself couldn't help feeling pleased, too. He had a bad feeling about this boy and he didn't like the way he talked about himself like some _hero _and quidditch star whose team wouldn't last a day without him.

_Are you still talking about the Ravenclaw boy? _a little voice whispered in the back of James' head. _Or are you talking about the former you?_

"Well, of course we can try taking quidditch practices into account..." Lily started, sounding as if she didn't like the idea at all. "But with four teams on the school and..."

"If you can't figure it out I'm sure you just haven't put enough thought to it" the Ravenclaw boy interrupted her flatly, and for a moment Lily looked as if someone had punched her in the face.

The classroom fell completely silent, all eyes on the Ravenclaw boy, and then:

"Maybe _you're_ the one who hasn't put enough thought to the fact that it's better to hear someone out before you start making complaints"

James didn't know what made him say it, only that he was angry enough not to care about the fact that all eyes were now on him instead. Lily looked shocked at first, but then she sent him a grateful look and addressed the Ravenclaw boy again:

"Look... What's your name?"

"Tobias Smith"

"Look, Smith. What Pot... James is trying to say is that I think it's best we start telling you lot what we have in mind when it comes to the patrolling schedule. Then we can discuss the details"

Smith didn't look entirely pleased but remained silent, and so Lily started going through the patrolling schedule that she had come up with and showed to James a few nights earlier. Once she was done she turned to look at him, almost as if asking whether if he wanted to add something. James shook his head, and after having given the prefects some more information about their duties in general, Lily seemed to be ready to finish the meeting.

"So... I guess that's all we had for you today. Any questions?"

At the same moment Smith raised his hand Lily hurried to add:

"And I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to be possible re-scheduling the patrolling only so you can practice quidditch more often..."

"That's easy for you to say, seeing as the Gryffindor team doesn't even seem very interested in the cup this year" Smith said, causing James to look up.

Smith looked right at him and then said, with a hint of pure satisfaction in his voice:

"I heard _you _haven't even started training your team yet"

Now, all eyes were on James again and yet he tried to keep focus on Smith as he replied:

"Well, once I do you and the rest of the Ravenclaw team won't stand a chance. As far as I remember it didn't take much to defeat you last year"

"That was luck..."

"No it wasn't. It was pure talent and you know it"

The other prefects, and Lily, were watching James and Smith as if watching an intense ping pong game. Smith glared at James for a moment before he retorted, voice cold:

"Well... I have a feeling our captain is a bit more... _stabile _than you this year"

James tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that settled in his body at these words.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, hoping that his voice sounded stronger than he felt.

_Smith's right. You're not stabile._

"It means exactly what you think it means, Potter..." Smith started but was interrupted by Lily.

"This meeting is not supposed to be about quidditch, you can discuss this at some other time!" she said heatedly but James ignored her, not hesitating before taking a step closer to Smith. He'd had enough for one day.

"No, please tell me what it is that you think you know..."

"I SAID STOP IT!"

Lily had raised her voice and James fell silent immediately. He dropped Smith's gaze to meet hers. She looked furious and the colour had risen on her cheeks.

"How old are you two, eleven? Next time I expect better behavior from the both of you or I swear I'll go straight to Dumbledore! This meeting is over"

At her words all prefects, who seemed to have found the whole argument between James and Smith uncomfortable and yet slightly exciting, stood up. They grabbed their things and left the classroom one by one, Remus giving James a worried look before exiting the classroom. Eventually, the door slammed shut and James and Lily were left alone.

**Lily**

"Well that went well"

Lily's voice was dripping with sarcasm and for the first time since they'd returned to Hogwarts, she was _angry _with James. And the fact almost made her happy, she welcomed the feeling since it was at least something she knew what to make of. Something she was used to.

A James Potter who was getting on her nerves.

He made no sign of having even heard her and so Lily continued to glare at him, arms crossed.

"Are you even listening to me?"

Still nothing. James was packing his quill and parchment into his bag and swung it over his shoulder. Then, before he turned around to leave he sighed heavily and met her gaze. The torches on the wall lit up his pale face as he spoke:

"Fine, go ahead. Yell at me. Tell me how I was acting like an idiot and how I don't deserve that badge"

He spoke as if it were all old news. Lily snorted loudly.

"Fine. You were acting like an idiot"

He'd asked her to yell, and she wanted to. Actually, she _needed _to. But something stopped her. For despite everything, she couldn't ignore the fact that he was like a porcelain doll that would so easily break if someone let carelessness take over. How much could he handle? And why did she even care?

"You're unbelievable, starting a fight like that" she snapped, clenching her fists at her sides. "You're _Head Boy_! You're supposed to be a role model to the younger students, not scare them off!"

"Smith started it and you know it..."

"I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT!" Lily had raised her voice and it felt good, seeing the angry look on James' face. "THE POINT IS I HAD TO STOP IT AND IT WAS HUMILIATING..."

"Nobody asked you to do that..."

"WELL SOMEONE HAD TO INTERFERE SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE..."

"THAT'S RIGHT EVANS, I DON'T!"

At his words the room fell completely silent and Lily felt as if someone had just poured a bucket of ice cold water over her head. It scared her. Not the things he'd just said (she'd figured that out long ago), but the way he said it. His voice was cold as ice and it was the first time he'd ever yelled back at her.

She felt small, almost insignificant.

James' eyes burned with something she couldn't quite put her finger to as he continued:

"I don't care about any of this"

Lily didn't know what to say, and yet there were so many questions she wanted to ask.

_Why are you being like this?_

But no words escaped her lips. It was as if everything about him, from the apathetic look on his face to the hand he ran through his messy hair, pressed a mute button. Lily was paralyzed, waiting for him to say something, continue to yell at her or just walk away.

Waiting for him to do _something_. Anything.

James seemed to be clenching his jaw, as if trying to prevent himself from telling her the actual truth.

"I can't do this"

He looked as if he were in pain and for a split second, a mere moment that was over in a heartbeat, Lily wanted to reach out her hand and touch his arm. He looked so fragile. Weak.

"I shouldn't even be here"

Now was the time to tell him how wrong he was. To convince him that he, in fact, _should _be here and that he could do it if he only believed in himself. But Lily wasn't sure that that was the truth. The James she'd once known could master anything if only he tried hard enough.

But now? Everything was so different...

What if he was right?

"So you're just giving up?"

She glared at him, hoping it'd take his attention away from the way her voice trembled as she spoke. There was a short silence.

"Yeah" James finally said, voice so low she could barely make out the words even though they were standing only meters apart. "I guess I am"

He turned around to leave.

"You know what, I actually miss the old James Potter"

He stopped, and no wonder. Had she just said that _out loud_? James didn't turn around to face her and Lily was thankful. She swallowed.

"At least he knew how to tell right from wrong" She made a short pause. "Where is he?"

She could hear him sighing heavily and his shoulders sank. Would she be able to tell what he was thinking if she could see his face?

"He's gone"

The door slammed shut behind James as he left Lily alone.

**Author's note: Thank you for your reviews and to those of you who have favorited and/or started following this story. It means a lot. This chapter was fun to write, even though James as a character makes me feel slightly depressed at times haha.**

**Please review if you liked it! :)**


	9. Second Chances

**Second Chances**

_"For everyone lost in the silence  
For every one missing piece  
For every will that is broken  
No matter how dark it may be  
There is redemption"_

_The Strange Familiar - Redemption_

James walked with quick steps through the deserted corridors, silently hoping that he wouldn't run into someone who he'd have to talk to. Most students seemed to have returned to their common rooms by now, even though curfew didn't start for another hour. He clutched his Head Boy badge so hard the cool metal almost cut right into his skin, fuming as he thought of everything that had just happened.

He was angry with Smith for assuming things and talking as if he knew best. What the hell did he know, really? He was angry with Lily who, despite everything he'd done in the past, expected more of him than he could possibly handle. He was angry with Dumbledore, the main reason why he had to deal with all of this in the first place.

He was angry with them for not telling him the truth about the danger they were obviously in and he was furious with himself for not saving them while there was still time...

_No._

James stopped walking and came to an abrupt halt just outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office. He'd gone to see Mc Gonagall and asked her for the password, but before he could even think about going up there he needed to calm down. If Dumbledore was ever going to take him seriously, he had to put himself together.

James knew he'd let his mind wander too far, he'd almost reached the part when he could no longer turn back and if that happened... He swallowed. He hadn't _let _it happen for weeks. He was back in school now and therefore, breaking down was no longer an option.

His heart eventually stopped beating unnaturally fast and it became easier to focus on everything that was happening around him. James reminded himself of what he was about to do and looked up at the stone gargoyle, saying the words:

"Chocolate Cauldron"

Once outside Dumbledore's office, James hesitated for a moment. Was this really a good idea, or was it just something he did because he was still really upset and didn't think straight?

He thought of the looks people had given him when realizing he was Head Boy. He thought of how he barely had time with all school work and quidditch. And above all, he thought of how Lily deserved to work with someone who deserved that badge.

And James wasn't that guy.

Swallowing, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. There was a short silence and then a solemn and yet cheerful voice could be heard from inside:

"Come in"

After having taken a deep breath, once again repeating to himself what he was going to say, James did as he was told. After having closed the door behind him he turned around and found himself inside the most interesting office he'd ever visited at Hogwarts.

Having always been the master of pranks, James and his friends had spent countless of hours inside both Filch's and Mc Gonagall's offices. But in here, James had never been before. The room was large and filled with peculiar looking instruments and ornaments, and on one of the many shelves lay the Sorting Hat that placed students in different houses once they arrived at Hogwarts for the first time. James suddenly came to think of the day when he was sorted, how happy he'd been with being placed in Gryffindor and how proud his parents had seemed. It felt like a lifetime ago.

On the wall hung portraits of former headmasters, most of them asleep, and below them was a desk that Dumbledore himself was seated behind. For a moment, he simply eyed James in silence and then, his face lit up in a small smile.

"Good evening James"

For some strange reason, he didn't even seem surprised to see him. James cleared his throat slightly, suddenly feeling extremely surveyed. There was something about the look the headmaster gave him that made him feel like he could see right through him.

"Hi" James merely replied, taking a few steps into the room.

He'd gone through it so many times in his head, what he'd say if Dumbledore ignored his wishes. But he hadn't thought of how to actually _begin_. Now that he was standing in here, James felt utterly stupid and at a loss for words. Luckily, Dumbledore took the matter into his own hands:

"What brings you here, my boy? I thought you and ms Evans were supposed to hold your first prefect meeting tonight"

James was not even going to pretend he was surprised that the all knowing wizard knew about that, and so he just nodded slowly.

"We did. It just finished"

"I see. Well, how did it go?"

The headmaster was obviously trying to make conversation, but feeling like he just wanted to get this over with and go right to bed James ignored the question. Instead, he took another step towards Dumbledore and mumbled:

"I... I wanted to talk to you about that. Me being Head Boy"

There was a heavy silence and James eventually forced himself to look right into Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes. Slowly, the older wizard folded his hands together.

"Please sit down, James"

Suddenly, a comfortable looking armchair appeared out of nowhere. Thinking that he'd better do as he was told, James nodded slightly and sat down. It felt strange, being alone with Dumbledore like this. Almost as if he were about to be scolded for some really mean and dangerous prank...

"You were saying?" Dumbledore asked gently and his words made James realize that it was now or never.

This was his chance at doing the right thing and for once, he was not going to screw it up.

"Look, I think you made a mistake... choosing me. I don't know the first thing about taking responsibility and being a role model and..."

But Dumbledore held up his hand and thereby silenced him.

"I am well aware of all the mischief you've managed in the past, James" he said and there was something in his voice that made James think that he didn't use those exact words for no reason.

_Mischief Managed _were the words one had to say to get the Marauders' map to look just like an ordinary piece of parchment. Dumbledore knew.

"Yet I think it's fair to say that you and Mr Black both seem to have realized the importance of focusing on other things this year. At least I have received no complaints from professor Mc Gonagall and your other teachers"

James felt like telling Dumbledore that the only reason why Sirius had managed to follow all school rules this year was that his best friend and partner in crime, James himself, hadn't been very into breaking any of them. But it wouldn't be fair getting Sirius into trouble and besides, that probably wouldn't change the headmaster's current opinion...

"But that doesn't mean that I should be Head Boy" James replied quietly, locking his gaze with Dumbledore's again. "Remus is a prefect and I'm sure he would be way better at..."

"I think you might have to accept the fact that you're not as bad as you obviously think you are" the headmaster interrupted him gently. "Mr Lupin is an excellent student and he is doing a great job as a prefect. But please believe me when I say that I had my reasons for choosing you, James"

_What reasons?_

James remained silent for a while, thinking. The way Dumbledore practically refused to hear him out had made him realize that he had a choice. Either, he could just let it be and give up. Or, he could be honest and tell the headmaster the main reason why he wanted someone else to be Head Boy.

What was most important? Tearing down some of his facade or finally getting rid of that stupid badge? James already knew the answer to his own question.

"I'm just not sure I can do it" He hated the way his voice trembled as he spoke. "There are so many other things going on and..."

He drifted off, couldn't bring himself to continue. Luckily, Dumbledore didn't force him to. Instead, he remained silent for a short while before he told his student:

"You know, I have found that it's sometimes better to do ordinary things when life gives you experiences that makes you question your every belief. We have to try and remember who we truly _are _and be brave enough not to shut reality out"

James didn't know what to say, and so he remained silent. He knew that Dumbledore was considered on of the wisest wizards in Britain, but this? What made him think he could just sit there and talk about it as if it were all so easy? What did he know about 'being brave enough not to shut reality out'?

Nothing. And what if reality was simply too much to handle?

"I know how you feel, James"

"No you don't"

It was easier staring out the window and face the darkness outside, than acknowledging the headmaster. James clenched his jaw, thinking that it wouldn't be a very good thing if he lost his temper again.

_Don't tell me how I feel. Don't you dare tell me what this is like._

Why wouldn't Dumbledore just take the bloody badge back and give it to somebody else? How hard could it be? Evans surely would be happy about it...

"Yes, I do. I have lost family, too, and I know that it changes every single aspect of your entire existence"

It felt weird, hearing the so powerful, famous and wise wizard sit here and talk about his feelings and his private life. Yet, James still couldn't bring himself to say anything. Dumbledore was silent for a moment, probably lost in thought, before he continued:

"I know why you are here, James, and I know you'll think that you hate me when I tell you that the answer to your question is no. But I ask you to believe me when I say that I'm doing what I think is best for you. Please give yourself a chance. If you feel the same way two months from now you can come back, and I might have to reconsider my decision"

There was something in Dumbledore's voice that made James realize that this meeting was over and that there was nothing he could do to change that. Still holding the Head Boy badge in his hand, he stood up and turned around to leave without a word. As annoying as it was, James couldn't tell whether he was angry or not. Just like when Bellatrix Lestrange had teased him earlier he felt strangely... numb.

With his hand on the door, ready to open it, he turned around one last time to face the headmaster.

"Can I ask you something, sir?"

Dumbledore nodded.

"Of course"

James hesitated, silently wondering whether he really wanted the answer to his own question.

"Why me?"

_Of all worthy gryffindors. Of all worthy students at this entire school. Why me?_

To his great surprise, Dumbledore smiled.

"Because not unlike ms Evans, I'm a great believer in second chances, Mr Potter. And I think the only problem right now is that you don't believe in yourself"

**Lily**

Lily was the first student to enter Slughorn's classroom on Friday morning, making sure that she and Alice would get seats up front. Potions had always been one of Lily's favorite subjects, and she also happened to be one of Slughorn's favorite students. Besides, she had had this strong urge to prove herself in every single class ever since the fiasco at the prefect meeting...

She shivered at the thought. Even though it had been over a week Lily still felt bad about it. She hadn't spoken a word to James ever since he walked out on her after having made it clear that he didn't care about anything...

Well, that didn't seem _entirely_ true, Lily thought as she started looking for a quill in her bag. At least he'd finally decided upon starting playing quidditch again and from what she'd heard the gryffindors had had quite many practice sessions already.

"Remind me why I'm taking this course again..." Alice muttered, grimacing right as Slughorn entered the room with a cheerful look on his face. "It's just so _boring_!"

"At least it's not very hard" Lily whispered back, since Slughorn had started motioning for all students to be quiet. "Even Potter and his friends managed to get an E in their OWLs..."

"Good morning everybody!" The Potions master beamed at them, and Lily could see that he was holding a piece of parchment with something written on it. "I have some really exciting news for you all today"

Suddenly, as if someone had turned down the volume, Slughorn had everyone's attention and both gryffindors and slytherins looked at him expectantly. Having been students at a school of magic for the past six years they knew that "exciting news" were likely to involve something unusual, exhilarating or even dangerous.

Slughorn seemed to enjoy the tensed silence for a short moment, before he revealed:

"We are starting this new project, where you all get to study different potions in pairs during a couple of weeks!"

If someone had turned down the volume before, the opposite thing happened now. Lily saw the disappointed looks on all her classmates' faces and some, mostly Slytherin students, weren't afraid to hide their disapproval.

"Is that supposed to be _exciting_?" McNair scoffed. "Sounds more like a punishment if you ask me"

"Great, then you can leave so no one longer risks getting put in the same group as you"

Sirius gave McNair an evil smirk which he ignored but to Lily's great surprise, James actually looked slightly amused by his friend's comment.

Alice seemed to have noticed the same thing.

"Did you see that?" she mumbled to Lily, who pretended like she had no idea what her friend was talking about. "I haven't seen Potter _smile_ in years..."

Slughorn interrupted their conversation by raising his voice over the mumbles that had erupted throughout the classroom:

"Be careful Mr Black, or I might put _you _in the same group as Mr Mcnair! I choose the pairs, you see"

The reaction was immediate. Bellatrix Lestrange stood up in her seat and screamed:

"There's no way I'm working with any of those mudbl..."

"Now now ms Lestrange, please wait with your accusations until I've given you your partner" Slughorn interrupted her, sounding somewhat annoyed. "You might be surprised!"

It was obvious that he didn't want any more trouble than necessary, for Bellatrix and all other Slytherin students that were known to despise gryffindors were only put together with people from their own house. Lily was relieved to find that Snape got Yaxley as a partner, since that at least meant that _she _wouldn't have to work with him...

She took a quick glance around the classroom, thinking about the students whose names Slughorn hadn't yet called out. They were mostly gryffindors and in fact, she felt like she wouldn't mind working with any of them.

_Well_, Lily thought while trying her best to hide a snort, _as long as it's not..._

"And ms Evans, I'd like you to work with Mr Potter"

All gryffindor students, who knew how much of a history there was between Lily and James already, fell silent. Lily herself couldn't move. Couldn't think. She tried to look Slughorn in the eye, but he had already begun reading the next name from his list.

_Why? _First sharing a living quarter with him and now _this_? She'd have to work with Potter, be his _partner _for "a couple of weeks", whatever that meant... Lily felt sick. How would she be able to stop herself from tearing his head off as soon as they got eye contact?

"What are the odds?" Alice asked quietly, before she stood up to join Remus who was her partner. "I'm sorry, Lily"

Lily herself remained in her seat, feeling as if someone had put glue on her chair. After what seemed like a really long time she could almost _feel _his presence, and so she knew that he'd given up the fight. James cleared his throat slightly and she forced herself to look into his brown eyes. He still looked pale, the dark circles under his eyes hadn't vanished, and yet something was different.

He looked more alive. And perhaps just slightly, slightly happier.

"We might as well get started on this"

His voice was low, but it was easy for Lily to make out every word. She nodded shortly, grabbed her books and stood up.

"Let's go to the library, then"

The library. It had always been her safe haven, the one place she knew Potter would never go unless he really had to. She could spend hours in there, enjoying the silence and getting lost in books describing worlds and lives so unlike her own.

But everything was different now. Now, she had to share it with _him_. And she hated it.

**James**

James walked a couple of meters behind Lily on their way to the library, in silence. He hadn't missed the horrified look on her face the minute she realized they'd have to work together for the next couple of weeks, and so he preferred not to bother her any more than he actually had to.

Truth to be told, James wasn't thrilled about working together with her, either. Of course, Lily had always been funny and smart and charming but knowing that someone else's grade would be affected if he didn't work hard enough was a really stressful feeling. He figured it was a good thing he'd been out flying that same morning, or he might not have been very good at hiding what he really thought about all this.

A year ago the thought of being paired up with Evans would have made him jump up and down in excitement. But now that she was still angry with him for what had happened at the prefect meeting over a week earlier it'd just be... awkward.

Then again, it had always been awkward between the two of them. James had just been too self-confident and busy with his own feelings for her to notice.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound as Lily pulled out a chair. Hesitating for a moment, he sat down opposite her and tried to look anywhere but in her direction. Merlin, this was weird. Having been practically obsessed with her for the past six years, James was well aware of the fact that Potions was one of Lily's best subjects. She'd probably lose it when realizing that he was nowhere near as good as her, and with all homework he'd missed during the summer...

"So I suppose we should start by choosing what potions we want to take a closer look at" Lily said shortly, opening her book and thereby avoiding his gaze.

"Sure"

James started turning pages in his book, knowing that he wouldn't make any suggestions unless he got Lily's approval. When it came to Potions, he felt like an amateur next to her. In fact, he felt _sorry _for her for having to work with him. It was all Slughorn's fault...

"I'm sorry" The words left his mouth before he had time to consider them. "About what happened at the prefect meeting"

He didn't care, and yet there was something about Lily Evans that made it impossible not to. For despite feeling like crap, he still couldn't stand the thought of her being angry with him. At least not now when they had to spend so much time together.

For the first time, Lily looked up and her bright green eyes shined with something he couldn't quite put his finger to. She looked surprised, and yet that wasn't all...

"You should be"

Her voice was quite cold, and since it was nothing but what James had expected he didn't flinch. Feeling like he might as well continue now that he'd started, he told her:

"I went to see Dumbledore... Tried to convince him to give the badge to Remus instead"

This time, Lily _did _look surprised and she seemed to have trouble hiding it.

"And?" she asked after a short silence.

He couldn't decide whether she sounded hopeful or not. James sighed slightly, dropping her gaze.

"And he wouldn't let me. Said I had to give it another two months"

There was a silence, and since James had gone back to pretending like he was looking for a specific potion in his book he couldn't tell what Lily was thinking. However, he could feel her gaze on him when she asked:

"Why did you do it? Tried to hand it back, I mean"

"You know why"

_Because this is not my thing. And it was never supposed to be me._

Either Lily knew that he was right, or she just lost interest in the discussion. She didn't say anything, but returned to her book and started turning pages again. She suggested a potion or two which James, without doubt, agreed on before she finally admitted:

"I was a bit hard on you that night. I know that Smith's the one who started it but... I just wanted everything to be perfect, you know? After all, it was our first meeting..."

"Everything you do is perfect, Evans"

James hadn't meant to say that, or to interrupt Lily, but as he spoke she fell silent at once. And for the first time ever, she didn't look furious after having received a compliment from him. He stared out the window as he continued:

"Whether you want to admit it or not"

Lily opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it again. There was a very long silence before she eventually cleared her throat.

"What do you think about Felix Felicis?"

**Author's note: Thank you SO MUCH for your reviews on the latest chapter, you have no idea how much I enjoy reading them! This story has 54 followers and 31 favorites now and like I've said before that's a lot to me :) **

**I'm not sure whether I like this chapter or not, at least the scenes with James/Dumbledore and James/Lily were fun to write. It might not seem like a lot happened in this chapter, but I think it made sense that James tried to give his Head Boy badge back to Dumbledore. Also, being paired up with Lily in Potions is one way for their relationship to move forward! I hope you don't think it's too much of a cliché :P**

**One of my readers pointed out that it's hard to keep interest when James is constantly depressed/sad. I think what I'm trying to show is that there's no "right" way to grieve when you've lost someone you love. Right now, James is in a very dark place but quidditch is something he can focus on and flying can help to take his mind off things. However, it's still only been about two months since his parents died and I think that, to keep the story realistic, he needs time. Also, I just don't think it's possible to be really depressed one day and then wake up super happy the next morning. It's a slow progress which has its ups and downs (like moments of happiness, despair and anger), and I hope you'll bear with me through it. **

**Please review and tell me what you think about the chapter/the story so far! :) **


	10. Quidditch and Questions

**Quidditch and Questions**

_"Let's rearrange  
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage  
Just say that we agree and then never change  
Soften a bit until we all just get along"_

_The Fray - Over My Head_

"Okay everybody, gather around here please!"

James called on his teammates from the ground and couldn't help grinning as they all did as they were told. Just like yesterday, this practice session had gone really well and he had a feeling that the upcoming game against Ravenclaw would not be too difficult to win.

"Brilliant work, continue like this and we won't even have to worry about playing against Slytherin"

"Yeah, I'd love to see the look on Smith's face when he realizes _that_!"

It was Joseph Bell, a sixth-year who also happened to be a very talented chaser, who'd spoken up. At his words the rest of the team agreed, all wearing pleased looks on their faces. Some of them had heard Smith boast about how great the Ravenclaw team was and how he kept saying that the gryffindors didn't stand a chance. Also, James had told them what had happened at the prefect meeting and that had only made them even more willing to practice even harder.

James supported some of his weight on his broomstick, still out of breath from having been catching and throwing the quaffle so many times during the past hour. Raising his voice slightly, so his teammates could all hear him, he said:

"Right, same time here tomorrow night then..."

But he drifted off as he spotted the looks on the others' faces. They all exchanged quick glances and some, like the team's two beaters, muttered something incoherent under their breaths and didn't look happy at all. Miranda Williams, who played seeker, cleared her throat and gave James an apologizing look.

"Well... Don't you think we might need a day's rest, James?"

"I agree" Joseph said, grimacing as he massaged his right arm. "If we keep this up I'll be exhausted by the time the actual _game _takes place..."

"And I have loads of homework..." someone else added and Miranda, who was in James' year, pointed out:

"And you and I have our NEWTs to prepare for, James. Even though Mc Gonagall likes quidditch she'll kill us if we fail Transfiguration because of it..."

"All right, all right" James interrupted her tiredly, seeing as he was desperate not to hear the end of that sentence. "We'll take a few days' break"

"Believe me, we want to beat Ravenclaw just as bad as you do mate" Joseph said, patting James on the shoulder as the rest of the team started making their way towards the changing rooms. "But quidditch is not the only important thing in life"

As he said the last part he locked his gaze with James', almost as if he was referring to something specific. Almost as if there was something else he wanted James to put focus on... He honestly doubted whether this game meant as much to Joseph as it did to him, but he kept quiet and just nodded.

"I guess you're right"

_But not when it comes to me. Then you're deadly wrong._

"Aren't you coming?"

Joseph interrupted his thoughts and James looked up, only to find that the rest of the team had left the quidditch pitch several minutes ago. Joseph nodded towards the changing rooms and James knew he had to think fast to come up with a good excuse.

"You go ahead, I'll be there. I just have to... I think there was a bludger that took off earlier and I need to find it, or else Madam Hooch will go mad"

It was not the best lie in history, but it'd have to do. Joseph gave him a somewhat weird look, but then he just nodded slowly.

"All right... See you later then"

"Yeah"

**James**

James closed his eyes and enjoyed the cool morning air on his face, it was a far better distraction than running had ever been. Lying to Joseph was definitely worth it.

It was not until he realized he no longer had a choice that James had started playing quidditch again. He'd convinced himself that he was strong enough to hold try-outs and so he'd picked some new members for his team and put them to work the first chance he got, Smith's voice echoing inside his head as he did so.

_I heard __**you **__haven't even started training your team yet._

Well, not anymore.

Three weeks had passed since the prefect meeting and now, as they were entering October and the first game of the season drew closer, James was pretty sure the gryffindors practiced more often and harder than the other teams combined. And to him, it was not all about winning the quidditch cup. In fact, that was not even one of the main reasons.

To James, this new obsession with flying had begun when he realized how easy it was to get his mind off things when doing it. Being chaser required concentration and when soaring up there, focusing on the game and the game only, James didn't have to keep telling himself that he was not allowed to remember. Up in the sky, in the blue and the cold, it was easier to just drown it all out. Even the nightmares were not as bad as before.

And that was how he'd gotten through these past couple of weeks that, now that he looked back at them, seemed like nothing but a blur. He got up in the mornings, attended all his lessons, spent some time with his friends and then went to bed. James had also come to realize that there were good days and bad days.

During the good days he didn't mind spending hours with Sirius and the others, and actually managed to smile at his best friends' jokes. During the good days he did some of his homework (even though the result was far from good) and he was able to keep focus long enough to help Lily look up some of the strangest and most complicated potions. Ever since the first time they'd worked together in the library she'd seemed very keen on not discussing anything but schoolwork. James didn't exactly mind, but he wondered whether it had something to do with the fact that he'd told her that everything she did was perfect...

Well, it was. And lying to Lily Evans was not like lying to Joseph Bell or his aunt. Just like Dumbledore, she seemed to be able to see right through him even though they hardly ever spoke a word to each other in Potions class unless it had something to do with, well, potions.

And then there were the bad days. James hated even thinking about them, and they usually came whenever he hadn't been out flying in a while. That was one of the reasons why _he_ didn't mind practicing every day. During the bad days Lily had to do all work herself and James avoided Sirius and the others by telling them that he had homework. The only problem was, he didn't do much of his homework, either.

The bad days were even more of a blur than the good ones. However, they were easier to avoid now that he was out flying as soon as he got the chance.

If James would try to explain it to someone (which he'd never dream of doing) he'd say that he felt more like a machine than a living person. He breathed, he moved, he walked, he talked, he _smiled _and he'd even had _himself_ believe that he was fine. And he forced himself to keep it all up since he was afraid of what might happen if he stopped. If he allowed himself to just sit down, take a deep breath and _think._

It was better not to, and so James continued to move as if an auto-pilot. It was a strange feeling, but way better than accepting the actual truth.

**Lily**

During the past couple of weeks, James was not the only one who'd come to terms with the good and the bad days. Lily, who was his partner in Potions, soon learned to tell the difference between when James would be to surprisingly much help and when he'd be completely useless. It was hard for her to tell the reason behind this change of spirit, for surely he must be just as sad about what had happened to his parents every day?

However, Lily was also able to follow a clear pattern: Ever since James and the rest of the Gryffindor team had started playing quidditch again, there were more good days than bad ones. So basically, Lily had Tobias Smith to thank for the fact that there was still a chance for her to get an "O" in Potions. But of course, she'd never admit _that_...

This Monday James seemed to be in a particularly good mood and came with quite many suggestions on what they could write about and include in their work. Lily tried not to look as surprised as she felt, silently thinking that it all probably had something to do with the quidditch practice the Gryffindor team had had that same morning.

When today's Potions lesson was almost about to end, she and James both sat silent in the library on each side of a round table. Lily was taking notes on a piece of parchment and James was turning pages in a very old looking book that was said to hold "Everything you've ever needed to know about Potions".

When casting a quick glance at his face, the words left Lily's mouth before she had time to stop them:

"You seem different"

James looked up at her words, furrowing. She soon added:

"I mean... You seem happier"

_And yet you don't._

For there was something, something she couldn't quite put her finger to, that made her believe that most of it was just an act. James seemed fine. In fact, he seemed almost _too _fine given thought of everything he'd been through. How could he just sit there and read about different potions as if it actually _mattered_?

Something was off about him, and she suddenly felt determined to find out what.

_Why do you even care?_

_I don't._

Lily ignored the inner debate in her head as James replied simply:

"I guess I am"

Their gazes locked and she tried to find something in his eyes that'd give him away. But there was nothing. After all, hiding what he truly felt had always been one of James Potter's greatest talents. Who was he, really?

"Well that's great"

Once again, Lily had spoken up without thinking and James stared at her.

"It is?"

She stared back, silently thinking that that was one of the dumbest questions she'd ever heard.

"Of course it is. Since when is it a bad thing to feel good?"

"I just didn't think you cared"

This time, James seemed to be the one who'd let the words leave his mouth without contemplating them first. His voice was sincere, hollow and yet full of genuine curiosity. Still, there was something about his question that caused Lily to put on her defense mechanisms. For the words he'd used resembled the ones the old James Potter had uttered in her presence so many times before. And back then, they were most likely be followed by a sentence like: "Have you finally come to terms with your true feelings for me, Evans?"

Lily hadn't liked that person one bit. She hadn't liked his approach, his way of acting as if he owned the world and the triumphant sound in his voice. In fact, she'd _hated _it. It had made her a target and even though this new James Potter was depressing and confusing in his own way, at least he left her alone. And that was all she wanted.

Right?

Of course it was.

"I was just curious how something like _quidditch _could make you move on after everything you've been through"

For a moment, James looked as if he were in pain and that was all it took for Lily to realize what she'd just said. Fine, she sometimes spoke without thinking, but _this_? This was not okay, and he needed to know that.

"I'm sorry" she said, feeling her cheeks turning red out of shame. "That was really stupid, I... I have no idea what you've been through and I shouldn't just come here and..."

"It's fine"

It was those two words that alone answered of Lily's many questions regarding James' Potter: she was right about him hiding something. What she'd just said was _not _fine and if he really did believe that it was...

_He's fooling you. And what's worse: he's fooling __**himself.**_

"No..." Lily's words came out as a mere whisper. "No, it's not"

And she got a feeling they both knew that there was more to that sentence than she'd ever let on.

**James**

"You know, I'm a bit surprised you haven't said anything about what it's like working with Evans in Potions"

It was Sirius who spoke and James rolled his eyes, thinking that there was no way his friend would give up on this unless he'd been informed of every single detail.

"There's not much to say" he replied dryly, pretending to be busy looking for something in his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook. "We only discuss potions and I guess you hear enough of that from Slughorn already"

"That's it?" Sirius' voice was full of disbelief. "Why haven't you tried asking her out yet?"

James stared at Sirius and was just about to ask him if he'd gone mad, when Remus reached him to it:

"You're joking, right? Besides, I'm sure James is mature enough now to realize that..."

"To realize that he's not even the _slightest _interested in her anymore?" Sirius snorted loudly, grinning at James. "Yeah, I'll believe _that_ when I see it..."

James didn't say anything, but thought about the conversation he and Lily had had earlier in the library that very same day. Before, he'd always loved it whenever she paid attention to him but now he was pretty sure it'd be better if he was invisible to her.

She seemed to notice _everything. _Why was that?

"She said that she missed the old me"

At his words, James' three closest friends all fell silent and looked up at him. Peter furrowed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked and Sirius added:

"When did she say that?"

James shrugged.

"If you want to know what it means you'd better ask her, I have no idea. It was after the prefect meeting..."

_At least he knew how to tell right from wrong. _

Did he really? These days, James wasn't even sure there _was _a right or wrong. It was all about staying strong enough to get through another day that felt just as pointless as the rest of them.

"But why would Lily miss the old you?" Remus asked. "She _hated _the old you"

Sirius hit Remus with his book.

"Nicely put, Moony" he said sarcastically and Remus rolled his eyes.

"We all know it's true, James didn't exactly always show her his best sides..."

"It's fine" James interrupted their argument, before nodding towards Remus. "You're right"

There was a short silence before Sirius yawned loudly and leaned against the tree behind him. They were studying outside this afternoon, since the weather was quite warm and sunny for being October. It had been Remus' idea and James didn't mind; out here it was far easier to concentrate than inside where people always turned up when he least wanted them to. And he desperately needed to concentrate.

"Hey Remus, do you think you could help me out with this?"

James nodded towards his half-finished essay, pretending like he didn't see the surprised look on Remus' face.

"Uhm, yeah sure. Do you want me to take a look at it?"

"Yeah that'd be great"

Sirius yawned again, demonstratively this time, before saying:

"Well Prongs, I'm sure Evans will have a go now that she gets the chance to meet this new and _mature _version of you"

James knew that Sirius had meant it as a joke, they always used to tease each other like that and Remus had never seen the end of it ever since he'd become a prefect back in fifth year. Still, James couldn't help feeling annoyed with his friend's words.

Did he _ever_ think about his future? How would he ever get a job and earn a living if he didn't bother doing any of his homework? Sirius wasn't stupid, but he sure as hell seemed to want people to think that he was.

James suddenly felt a strong urge to scream at him, tell him that there were far more important things in life than joking around and playing pranks on people who actually cared about their studies. For things like that couldn't _possibly _matter anymore, and Sirius' naive attitude was a constant reminder of how easy things had once been. Feeling like he was about to get a headache, James snarled:

"Maybe I've just come to realize that things won't always work out fine just because you want them to. I actually want to _get _somewhere once school is over and I didn't get much done this summer, for obvious reasons"

The second he'd uttered that last part he regretted it. In fact, all he could think of was that if his friends brought some of it up now it'd be _his _fault. He'd practically asked for it and yet he didn't feel like _talking _to any of them.

The silence that followed was so long James seriously contemplated just leaving. Then, right as Peter sent Remus a nervous look, Sirius said:

"I'm sorry mate, I didn't mean it like that..."

"It's fine"

But Sirius didn't seem willing to give up the discussion.

"Why do you keep saying that?" he asked and Remus started:

"Sirius..."

"No, I want to know. Why do you keep saying that everything's fine when it's obviously not? It doesn't have to be this way, James..."

"Really?" James slammed his textbook shut and Sirius fell silent at once. "Then tell me how it's going to be, Sirius. Tell me you have a brilliant solution to all this shit"

James had practically, for the first time, admitted to his friends how he truly felt. And despite feeling like this was all heading in a really bad direction he couldn't back out now.

"You can talk to us" Remus said, his voice gentler than James wanted it to be. "We're your best friends and we'll always be here for you..."

There was another silence and when Sirius spoke up his voice trembled slightly, almost as if he were afraid of his own words:

"It might feel better if you just tell us about it. What happened that night?"

"Why are you asking me?" James asked sharply, refusing to meet anyone's gaze. "You could just read the fucking Daily Prophet like everybody else"

"Stop it..."

"No, _you _stop it!"

James had raised his voice loud enough for all of his friends to fall silent and once he had their full attention he said, with a shaky voice and trembling hands by his sides:

"I don't want to talk about what happened, okay?"

Sirius opened his mouth, obviously to oppose, but Remus hurried to say:

"It's okay, we understand. Right Sirius?"

He turned to give his friend a meaningful glance but Sirius simply kept glaring at James, his dark eyes containing so many emotions at once. Having known him for so long, James knew perfectly well what that look meant.

Disappointment.

And when they all started packing their things together and heading up towards the castle for dinner, James felt like screaming at Sirius again. He wanted to tell him that he hadn't asked for any of this and that he desperately wished that he, too, could be all naive and funny.

But those days were over, and even Lily Evans seemed to notice.

**Author's note: I'm not very happy with this chapter, even though I can't really put my finger to why. Please review and tell me what you think, your words make my day :D **


	11. Frustrating Celebrations

**Frustrating Celebrations**

_"Guess you'd better go and get your armour"_

_Jordin Sparks - Battlefield_

"We did it! I can't believe that we actually _did it_!"

Joseph Bell roared so loud as he entered the changing room that it was impossible for his teammates not to hear him. He was still carrying around his broomstick, almost as if he was too proud to put it down, and looked happier than James had ever seen him when he sat down next to the team's seeker, Miranda Williams.

"We were all there Joseph" she told him, grinning widely. "I knew that all those extra practise sessions would pay off eventually..."

"You're the one who said that we ought to focus on our NEWTs" James reminded her, laughing. "It's a lucky thing I was there to stop you!"

It felt wonderful to finally be able to focus on quidditch, and quidditch only. He felt like absolutely _nothing _could keep the smile off his face at the moment and he felt his heart skip a beat as he thought of the fact that even Lily Evans had smiled widely and clapped her hands when he scored that last goal...

"And the look on Smith's face when you caught the Snitch!" the Gryffindor team's keeper, Bill Morgan, added and patted Miranda on the back. "It was priceless!"

"Slytherin will be an easy target after this, right James?" Joseph asked and James nodded whilst he wiped some sweat off his forehead.

"Definitely. We just have to keep this up and we'll do great"

There was no way he'd let any of this go now. They'd come so far and if there was one thing James wanted this year, one thing he _needed_, it was winning the Quidditch Cup. Perhaps he hadn't thought it mattered that much before, but he surely did now. This was everything. It was his only way of getting through and therefore, he couldn't screw it up...

His thoughts were interrupted as the door leading into the changing room burst open once again and Sirius, Remus and Peter came inside. Sirius looked happier than he had in a long time and Remus and Peter both smiled widely. James couldn't help grinning back at them and Sirius called:

"Way to go Prongs! We're so proud of you!"

James nodded towards Miranda.

"Thank her, if she hadn't finished the game who knows what might have happened..."

"Oh shut up, you scored more times than all the Ravenclaw chasers together" Miranda interrupted him but James could tell, from the way she was blushing slightly, that she appreciated his words.

"Anyway, we're having a little celebration in the Gryffindor common room tonight" Sirius said and several of the team members started to shout with joy and clap their hands. "And there are some rumours that someone might even have gotten ahold of some Firewhiskey..."

James felt just as pleased as his teammates all looked. After all practise sessions lately, and with everything else going on, this was exactly what he needed. He promised himself that tonight, he'd try his very best to just have fun.

He felt like he actually deserved it.

**James**

Of course, being seventeen years old, James had tried Firewhiskey and other kinds of alcohol before. However, it had been a while and so he'd almost forgotten how nice it was. The flavour itself was nothing special, but the way it made you feel... Tonight, James was not trying to get drunk but he'd had enough to forget some of his problems and that was an amazing feeling, to say the least. He didn't have to worry about things he usually worried about and for once he just felt completely... _normal._

And he hadn't felt like that in a long time.

The music was loud, people were happy and tonight James had smiled and laughed more than he had in months. He, Sirius and Joseph were seated on one of the common room couches and Sirius laughed loudly at something that was probably not very funny at all, whilst he poured himself and James some more Firewhiskey. It had turned out that the person who had gotten ahold of "some" Firewhiskey had, in fact, managed to buy several bottles from the Hogshead.

"Are you all right over there Moony?" Sirius asked and nodded towards Remus who was still standing up, wearing a somewhat troubled look on his face.

He hadn't been drinking anything all night and so it didn't surprise James the slightest that he asked:

"Don't you think that you two have had enough for tonight?"

Remus was obviously addressing both Sirius and James and yet James got the feeling that his friend was talking more to him, as if he thought that James was more likely to lose control. He rolled his eyes.

"Do you even know what the word 'relax' means, Remus?"

Sirius and Joseph both laughed but Remus didn't seem to have anything to respond to that, and so it didn't take long before he took off. Peter was sitting in an armchair nearby, obviously desperate to hear everything that James and Sirius said. Usually, James was caring enough to make sure that he took part in their conversations but today he just didn't feel like it.

"Amy Baker getting closer at three o' clock" Joseph muttered to James, who looked the way his friend was pointing. "I believe she has a thing for you"

James was just about to object when Amy, surprisingly enough, walked right up to him and smiled widely. She was very cute, there was no doubt about that, but she was known to have slept with practically every male student at Hogwarts and so James had never paid much attention to her. Amy pulled a string of her blonde hair behind her ear and said:

"Hi James"

Before James knew it, Sirius and Joseph had both left and Amy hurried to sit down beside him. He noticed that she sat very close, almost too close for his liking, but he tried not to think about it. Instead he gave her a charming smile and replied:

"Hello Amy"

She giggled.

"Congratulations, by the way. You played really great today"

James shrugged slightly.

"Well, it was Miranda who caught the Snitch..."

"Oh but you scored _so _many times!" Amy interrupted him, eyes widening almost as if she just realized the truth in her own words. "And personally, I definitely prefer chasers..."

James could feel how she put her hand on his and pretended not to notice the curious stares he received from Sirius and Joseph. Luckily, Amelia Bones came to join Sirius only seconds later. Amy said:

"Fancy getting out of here?"

James raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"What, now?"

Amy nodded eagerly.

"I know of a great place. It's just too crowded in here, don't you think?"

She looked around and James did the same, only to find Remus standing in a corner talking to Lily and her friend Alice. He couldn't help wondering what they were talking about, but tried not to think about it and turned to look at Amy again.

What did he have to lose?

"Okay" he said, nodding slightly before grabbing her hand. "Let's go"

**Lily**

"This is pathetic"

It was Alice who spoke the words but Lily could not agree more. As it was, none of the two girls had ever been very fond of drinking and so they did not find it very amusing watching most of their Gryffindor friends getting drunk and doing things they normally wouldn't.

"I know" Lily replied bitterly, watching as Amelia giggled uncontrollably whilst moving closer to Sirius on the couch they were both sitting on. "And I'll bet you anything she'll regret that tomorrow morning"

She nodded towards Amelia and Sirius but Alice did not look convinced.

"I don't know, she's fancied him for quite a while actually..."

Lily, who'd just taken a sip from her butterbeer, coughed violently and stared at her friend in disbelief.

"_What_?!" she exclaimed and Alice whispered to her that she'd better lower her voice so she did. "Amelia fancies _Black_?"

Alice nodded.

"Didn't you know? She told me weeks ago"

Lily shook her head slowly, looking away from Amelia and Sirius since she had a feeling that they might start kissing any second now. What was up with people tonight, really? After all, winning a quidditch game against Ravenclaw wasn't _that _much of a big deal...

"I can't believe it, though" Lily muttered to Alice. "I mean, of all boys in our year, why _him_? For Merlin's sake, he's almost as bad as Potter!"

She knew that that was not fair, considering the fact that James had not bothered her once ever since the school year started. Well, at least not the way he used to. But tonight, Lily felt more annoyed with him than she had in weeks and she could not explain why. In fact, she was not even sure that _he _was the one she was angry with. Maybe it was just Amy Baker and that stupid oh-so-flirty look on her face...

_Why do you even bother? _Lily asked herself sharply, demonstratively looking away from James and the girl who had his special attention tonight. _If he wants to be with someone who's been with practically the whole school already, let him!_

"Lily! Lily!"

She jumped at the sound of Alice's voice and as she looked up she could see that Remus had joined her and Alice in their lonely corner. He smiled and Lily could tell that he had not been drinking any of that Firewhiskey, either.

"Why are you two standing here all alone?" he asked curiously. "Shouldn't you be celebrating?"

"What's there to celebrate?" Lily asked sourly and pretended that she didn't notice the surprised looks on Alice's and Remus' faces. "It's just a stupid quidditch game"

"That's not what it sounded like earlier" Alice reminded her. "You were just as happy as anyone when James scored that last goal..."

"Oh yes, let's all cheer for Potter" Lily interrupted her friend, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "It's not like he's already used to it or anything"

She didn't know why she was acting like this, because it surely wasn't like her... Luckily, Alice and Remus both seemed to notice that she didn't want to talk about it and so Remus quickly changed the subject:

"Frank's standing over there, you know. He's all alone and I'll bet you anything he wants you to go join him"

It was Alice he spoke to and her cheeks soon turned crimson. She looked down, apparently unwilling to meet anyone's gaze and muttered:

"Yeah, maybe I will do that later..."

Thankfully, Remus was smart enough not to push the matter and there was a short silence before his eyes landed on James and Amy. However, they were walking through the common room holding hands and seemed to be heading towards the portrait hole.

"I'm worried about him" Remus muttered, not addressing anyone in particular.

Lily was the one standing closest to him though, and so she felt almost obliged to pretend like she didn't know who he was talking about:

"Who do you mean?"

"James, of course. He... He's just not himself anymore"

Lily snorted.

"He hasn't been all year, has he?"

"Yeah, but this is different" Remus insisted, his voice full of worry that strangely enough caught Lily's interest. "It's like he... Like he just tries to forget by pretending like everything's fine. But it won't work, I know that. At some point he's going to lose it"

Lily remained silent, watching as the portrait of the Fat Lady swung open and Amy climbed outside. James soon joined her, and left Lily wondering whether Remus was right. Was it all just an act and if it was, how long would it take before the facade went down?

_It's none of your business, _she reminded herself for the hundredth time that night. _It never has been and it never will be. So just stop thinking about it. _

**James**

James wasn't sure why he had agreed to accompany Amy out of the common room in the first place, but he had several theories. Above all, he felt like he couldn't stand the somewhat troubled look that Remus had worn on his face all night for another minute. At least Sirius and Peter seemed to get that this was what James _wanted_, but Remus kept making him feel like he was constantly supervised by some babysitter.

Like he didn't buy any of it.

_No, _James corrected himself firmly. _There's nothing Remus has to "buy" because I haven't lied about anything._

When thinking about it, he couldn't help feeling extremely annoyed with his three best friends. All year they'd tried to make him behave as usual, smile and feel better. And now, when he was actually doing somewhat _fine_, that was not good enough, either. What did they want, really?

"What are you thinking about?"

Amy's bright voice interrupted his thoughts and James looked up, noticing that they'd reached a completely deserted corridor on what seemed to be the sixth floor. He gave her a small smile and shook his head slowly.

"Nothing. Just how glad I am to be here with you"

That was quite a lie, but at least it was something that the old James would have said. And tonight, that's exactly who James wanted to be. However, when he saw the happy look on Amy's face he soon wished he hadn't said anything. She looked like she'd won the lottery and grabbed his hands before kissing him briefly. Then, she gave him a small smirk and walked over to a door leading into one of the classrooms.

"Come on!" she called and motioned for him to join her.

James raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"What are we doing here?"

Amy moved until she was standing only millimeters away from him and her lips barely seemed to move as she whispered:

"I just thought we might need some place more private"

She took out her wand and aimed it at the locked door.

"Alohom..."

"Wait"

James put his hand on Amy's right arm and to his great relief, she lowered her wand and looked at him with raised eyebrows. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Surely, the old James wouldn't have minded breaking into an empty classroom in the middle of the night and so that ought to be exactly what he wanted to do right now. But something stopped him. Something told him that he was better and smarter than this. And with Argus Filch sneaking around the castle with Mrs Norris...

"Can't we just stay out here?" he tried and nodded towards the empty corridor. "There's no one here, anyway"

Amy snorted in disbelief.

"In a _corridor_? Sorry, but I'm not doing that"

She took out her wand again and before James had time to say anything she'd unlocked the door. She entered the classroom but for a moment he was left staring after her from outside. What did she mean by 'In a _corridor_?'? Of course he'd known what he got himself into but James hadn't exactly planned on _sleeping_ with her...

_Why not? _a little voice whispered inside his head. _You wanted to be like the old James, with no problems but choosing which girl is most worthy of your attention. This is something the old James would have done without blinking._

Once again, Amy's voice brought him back to reality. She sounded impatient as she spoke:

"Well, come on then!"

James followed her inside the classroom and slowly closed the door behind him. After only a few seconds Amy was all over him - now that they were in here she obviously didn't want to wait any longer than necessary. As she kissed him she seemed hungry, almost desperate, and James tried his best to keep up. He tried to convince himself that he was doing this because he wanted to, but frankly it felt more like he was doing it simply because he couldn't come up with a good enough reason _not_ to.

Who knew, maybe it'd turn out to be a great distraction and a good way to keep his mind off things. Just like quidditch.

James soon lost track of time and it was impossible to tell how many minutes that passed by. Ironically enough, his mind wouldn't stop spinning and he didn't feel even the slightest relaxed or comfortable with this whole thing.

_Get a grip, _he told himself firmly. But it didn't help. He felt anger rise inside of him as he kept seeing Remus' worried face, Sirius' desperate tries to make him feel better and Peter's nervous sounding voice. He heard Dumbledore saying inside his head: "_I know how you feel James". _He thought of Lily scolding him for not taking his Head Boy duties seriously...

Lily.

James suddenly opened his eyes and found himself staring right into Amy's blue ones, just as she started unbuttoning his shirt... What was the point of any of this? Without thinking, James grabbed her wrists gently and thereby prevented her from going any further.

"What's the matter?"

She was slightly out of breath as she spoke and for a moment James had no idea what to say. "_I'm sorry, but you're not her" _or _"I feel like my whole world is about to fall apart and you're not exactly helping" _was not going to be enough. Not even close.

"We can't do this"

His voice was low as he spoke but Amy seemed to have heard every word. She backed a few steps and then asked, voice full of confusion:

"What do you mean?"

What _did_ he mean, really? To answer that question James had to _think_, and he was so tired of that. In fact, he was tired of everything at the moment. Right now, he just wanted to go right to bed and hopefully get a good night's sleep without any of those blasted nightmares... He had to end this before he hurt Amy any more than necessary.

"I'm sorry" he said, looking up at her. "It's not you, I just... _I _can't do this"

"Why not?" Amy's voice was trembling now and to James' horror she seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Am I not good enough for you? Is that it?"

James stared at her in disbelief.

"What? No, that's not what I'm..."

"Because no girl will ever be good enough for you, right? The great James Potter, the quidditch hero that everybody wants..."

"Stop it..." James started, for he did not need to hear any of this.

In fact, he wasn't sure he could take it. But Amy didn't seem to hear him. Her voice broke as she continued:

"No, you have no idea how lucky you are! I try _so _hard and you barely have to lift a finger to get what you want! For you everything is just so _easy..._"

"YOU THINK MY LIFE IS EASY? YOU THINK I HAVE EVERYTHING THAT I WANT?"

James was so angry his hands were shaking and Amy looked slightly frightened as he raised his voice, but he didn't care. The things she'd said made him lose it completely. Now, he had no idea how to continue and yet Amy seemed to wait for him to say something. There was a short silence before he finally hissed:

"You don't know a _thing _about my life. And you don't know _me_ so just shut up"

Had he just said that?

James felt like this was all a bad dream that he'd soon wake up from. But just like all the time these days, it only went on and on. Amy seemed to feel the exact same way, for she shook her head and backed another few steps.

"This was a mistake" she stated and James immediately replied:

"Yeah. Yeah it was"

Amy gave him one last glance before turning around and leaving the classroom. As soon as she'd slammed the door shut behind her James cursed out loud, feeling like he'd do anything to take back everything that had happened during the past couple of hours.

**Lily**

Lily didn't know what time it was, but she had a feeling that it was past midnight already. Strangely enough, she didn't feel the slightest tired and that was one of the two main reasons why she'd said no when Alice and Amelia had asked her if she wanted to spend the night in the Gryffindor tower. The other was that she was still in quite a bad mood and she felt like beling alone. Also, she didn't think she'd be very fun company for any of her friends at the moment...

Lily leaned slightly backwards on the couch in her and James' private common room, silently praying that the thoughts would stop spinning through her head. She wondered what she was doing here and why she wouldn't just go upstairs to her bedroom. She wondered why she could still feel the fury boiling inside her entire body.

She wondered what James was doing. And where he was.

Off somewhere with Amy Baker, obviously. But did he honestly have no respect for other human beings whatsoever? Did he think that he could just come back whenever it pleased him and perhaps even bring _her_? After all, the next day was Thursday and even though Lily felt widely awake at the moment she was going to need her sleep...

She took a glance at her watch. Almost one o' clock. She sighed heavily and then looked around the common room. It was strangely clean, considering the fact that two people actually lived here. But then again, Lily seemed to be the only one who spent time in here voluntarily. Whenever James got the chance he took off and usually didn't return before it was time to go to bed. She couldn't help wondering where he was studying, it almost felt as if he was trying to avoid her...

The portrait of Godric Gryffindor swung open and Lily froze. She did not dare to look around, afraid of what she might find. Instead, she hurried to grab her Charms textbook that conveniently enough laid on the table in front of her. She flipped it open and pretended to be busy reading from a random page just as James got within sight.

Merlin, was she pathetic...

Lily didn't look his way, or acknowledged him in any way, until she could see from the corner of her eye that he was alone. Some stupid and inexplicable sense of relief washed over her and she turned to look at him. He had almost reached the stairs leading up to his bedroom when she snapped:

"Maybe next time you could think of not getting back so light. I could have been asleep"

She sounded ruder than she'd intended to but there was no way she was going to apologize now. She felt like all anger she'd kept inside for several hours now finally got out and James happened to be the only person she could take it out on.

"Well you're not, are you?"

He sounded tired and as he turned around Lily could see the dark circles under his eyes. They seemed to be his constant companions these days. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Way of stating the obvious"

There was a short silence in which the two of them were left staring at each other. Then, seeing as he obviously had nothing more to say to her, James turned around to leave. However, Lily still felt like she hadn't gotten it all out and she clenched her fists as she called after him:

"Well, then I suppose you won't mind if _I _put my position as Head Girl at risk when getting back here in the middle of the night. Don't you for a second think that you're the only one who gets to..."

"Yeah everything is just so _easy_ for me, isn't it?"

Lily was surprised by the strength in James' voice as he interrupted her and she could tell that there was more to his words than he'd let on. She couldn't figure out how, though.

"I didn't say that..."

"No but it's what you meant"

Another silence. Somehow, looking into his eyes hurt and Lily glanced down at her Charms textbook again. The words all looked like nothing but a blur, and yet Charms had always been one of her best subjects... She could hear James sighing and watched as he ran his hand through his hair before telling her:

"Look Evans, I can't do this right now. If you're still angry with me tomorrow you can yell at me then"

Lily was not the kind of person who sometimes experienced a loss for words, but it happened now. She watched, in some kind of amazed silence, as James continued walking up the stairs and slammed the door shut behind him once he'd entered his bedroom. It was not until then that she came to think of at least a hundred brilliant things to say.

_Why would I waste any of my time yelling at __**you**__, you're surely not worth it. If things are so bad, then why do you act like everything's fine and snog with girls like Amy Baker? Remus, one of your __**best **__friends, is really worried about you but perhaps you don't even care about __**that**__!_

She felt like an idiot. What was she doing down in here in the first place? She knew very well that she could have just put a Muffliato Charm on her bedroom door and there was no way she would have heard James when he got back. Was she _looking _for a reason to fight with him?

_Of course not, _Lily told herself as she stood up and prepared to head upstairs. _Why in Merlin's name would I do that?_

But for once, the voice inside her head did not sound too convincing.

**Author's note: This chapter got a bit longer than I'd first expected it to be, but I considered it a good place to finish. I don't know why it's taken me so long to update, hopefully the next chapter will be up much quicker! **

**If you want me to continue, and enjoyed the chapter, please leave a review to let me know! :) **


	12. Breaking Through

**Breaking Through**

_"But how long will your thoughts  
of valleys stay green  
when the world you were born in  
changes with seasons"_

_Laleh - Some Die Young_

When James woke up the next morning he immediately regretted that he'd had so much to drink the previous night - for as he sat up in bed his head hurt really bad and he even felt slightly sick. He could almost hear what his mother would have said if she'd been there to scold him:

_Well, you have no one but yourself to blame for this!_

As true as that was, it didn't make James feel any better. He knew the minute he got out of bed, and took a glance at the alarm clock on his bedside table, that today would not exactly be great. It was almost nine o' clock already and today's Transfiguration lesson would start in less than fifteen minutes. Even if he skipped breakfast there was no way he'd make it on time and truth to be told, he didn't even want to go.

James made his way over to window, pulled the curtains aside and enjoyed the view. This was one of the few things he appreciated about Head Boy; nobody could deny that there were certain privileges. Up here on the ninth floor he had a perfect view of the grounds surrounding the castle, the gamekeeper Hagrid's cabin and even the Black Lake. It was a beautiful autumn morning, the sky was clear blue and the frost on the grass almost seemed to sparkle in the light of the sun. The quidditch pitch, that only yesterday had been so full of life, was now empty and waiting for one of the four teams to start practicing for their next game...

The game against Ravenclaw.

Was that really yesterday? To James, the idea felt slightly surrealistic and it seemed like every happy feeling he'd felt the day before was gone. Was winning a quidditch game really that much of a big deal? What did it matter, really?

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the window that made him jump slightly. A second later he found himself staring right into his owl's amber eyes. The owl kept hoo-ing indignantly, as if it were really keen on getting inside. James opened the window, enjoying the cool morning air on his face as he mumbled to the owl:

"Hello you..."

The owl flew right across the room, sat down on his bedside table and held out its right leg. A letter was tied to it and James had a hint who it was from. He grabbed it, opened the envelope and started reading:

_**November 1 1977**_

_Dear James_

_I have not heard from you in almost a month now and I'm beginning to worry. I'm not asking you to write several rolls of parchment every day, but I would be able to sleep a lot better at night if I at least knew that you were doing all right. If you are, please tell me so. And if you're not, I want you to tell me that, too._

_Not much has happened over here since I last heard from you. I've gone back to work and there's a lot to do at the Ministry now, with You-know-who gaining strength and followers. Perhaps I shouldn't tell you this, but I've never wanted to keep the truth from you, James. Don't worry though, with Dumbledore at Hogwarts you're probably as safe as you'll ever be._

_I can't believe it's November already and I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Christmas. Please write back to me as soon as you can and let me know that you're all right. I miss you._

There was no name at the end of the letter, but James recognized his aunt's tidy handwriting. Besides, who else would worry about him like that? He sighed heavily as he put the letter down. He was already late for class, but he knew he had to sent his aunt a reply this instant. If he didn't, she might express her worries to Dumbledore or Mc Gonagall and that was the last thing he needed.

James started rummaging through his trunk and eventually found a quill, some ink and a piece of parchment. Hurrying to get done as soon as possible, he scribbled down his reply:

_Sorry I haven't been good at writing lately, I've just had a lot of other things to deal with. The quidditch season has started and we won against Ravenclaw yesterday._

_I'm fine and you don't have to worry about me. I hope you're doing well at home, don't work too much. I'll see you on Christmas._

_James  
_

It was not the best thing he'd ever put together, but it'd have to do. The thoughts kept spinning through his head as he handed the letter to his owl, let it out the window and headed towards the bathroom to have a shower. Lily was nowhere to be seen and he thought that, of course, she'd managed to get to class in time even though she'd stayed up late the previous night.

Why had she waited up in the common room, anyway? Surely not for his sake... She probably just wanted someone to fight with, but why not just put a Muffliato Charm on her bedroom door? No matter how much James tried to figure it all out, it didn't make sense. He thought of what he'd told her the previous night:

_If you're still angry with me tomorrow you can yell at me then. _

But there was no way she'd actually waste her time doing _that_...

As he got dressed and packed his bag with the books he needed for today's lessons his thoughts drifted off to his aunt. At least he'd been honest with her in his reply - he _did_ have a lot of other things to deal with. Yet, it was not fair to let her worry after everything she'd done for him and he promised himself to try to write more regularly. How hard could it be, really?

It was almost 9:30 when James finally exited through Godric Gryffindor's portrait. However, the house founder would not let him pass unnoticed and called loud enough for the entire corridor to hear:

"It is important to get to class on time, Mr Potter! Hogwarts offers the best magical education in the entire wizarding world and you'd do well not to miss any of it!"

_I'd do well not to punch you in the face_, James thought to himself whilst he pretended like he hadn't heard a word. Lately he'd come to realize that it was, in fact, easier that way.

**Lily**

Mc Gonagall was just about to demonstrate how to make things that had once vanished re-appear, something Lily had really looked forward to since it was bound to be tested in her NEWTs a couple of months later. However, the Transfiguration teacher was interrupted by a sound as the door leading into the classroom opened.

It wasn't hard for Lily to figure out who the newcomer was, seeing as only one desk stood empty this morning. James' hair looked slightly messier than usual, as if he'd just stepped out of the shower, and she could tell from the look on his face that he'd rather be anywhere but here. Sirius, who'd spent the entire lesson yawning and complaining about his hangover, suddenly looked up and relief washed over his face as he spotted his best friend. It caught Lily by surprise and she couldn't help thinking that despite everything, it was obvious how the Marauders always looked out and cared for each other.

"Good morning Mr Potter" Mc Gonagall greeted James cooly, as he took his seat in silence. "One would expect a seventh year like yourself to know where and _when_ the first lesson of the day takes place"

"Sorry"

James voice was low and if Lily hadn't been seated so close by she probably wouldn't have heard him. He avoided his classmates' curious gazes as he placed his Transfiguration textbook on the desk in front of him, but accidentally locked his gaze with Lily's for a split second before she looked away. She could feel her cheeks reddening as she thought of the confusion she'd seen on his face. He probably wondered why she'd been acting like a really annoying bitch the other night...

"Page 47 in your book, Potter. You have some catching up to do"

Mc Gonagall went back to demonstrating the transfiguration and even though it was all really fascinating, Lily found it hard to pay attention. A few seats behind her, Amy Baker kept glaring at James as if her life depended on it and that made Lily wonder what had really happened between the two of them the previous night. They'd both looked so happy when leaving the Gryffindor common room...

_Maybe you should try to mind your own business, _a voice whispered inside Lily's head and even though she knew it was right she couldn't just drop the matter. If James kept this up, arriving late to class and thereby not setting a good example as Head Boy, wasn't _that _her business?

Suddenly the bell rang, interrupting Lily's thoughts. She and Alice packed their things together and were just about to leave the classroom when they heard Mc Gonagall say:

"Potter, please stay for a few minutes"

Sirius rolled his eyes demonstratively and Lily could hear Remus mutter:

"That's not good..."

As they'd all exited the classroom Alice was the first one to wonder out loud:

"I wonder what he's done now"

**James**

If someone would have asked James to put words to what he felt when the door slammed shut behind his classmates, he probably wouldn't have been able to. As he remained in his seat, glaring at Mc Gonagall and waiting for her to say something, he was angry and tired and confused. What had he done to deserve this? Why did it have to happen _today, _when he also suffered from a hangover and wanted nothing but to sleep or at least escape from all the people that were constantly surrounding him?

There was a short silence, during which Mc Gonagall took some notes on a piece of parchment in front of her. Then, she looked up and eyed James from behind her square shaped spectacles.

"Well played yesterday" she said. "I think most gryffindors would agree with me when I say that it's been long since we were so proud of our team"

James stared at her in disbelief. One of Hogwarts' strictest professors made him stay behind after class and _this _was what she wanted to talk about? Was it a joke? He remained speechless for a few seconds, but then managed to choke out:

"This is about quidditch?"

"Well, it is _one_ of the things that I wanted to discuss with you" Mc Gonagall replied, standing up and walking around her desk so it was easier for her to meet James' gaze.

His heart sank. He knew that look far too well by now and he hated it. Pity. Worry. The I think I know what you're feeling but I really don't-look. It sickened him. Before Mc Gonagall had time to say anything he looked up at her, sounding more confident than he really felt as he spoke the words:

"So what if I arrived half an hour late? Last time I checked that wasn't a crime"

"It's not" Mc Gonagall replied calmly. "But I'm afraid that your lack of focus in my class this year has come to affect your study results"

James didn't know how to respond to this, so he didn't. What his Transfiguration teacher had just said didn't come as a surprise; he knew that he hadn't been very good at keeping track of his homework lately and even in class it was hard to stay focused. But what he also knew was that there was nothing he could do about it, for no matter how hard he tried he just didn't see the point.

Charms, Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts... All subjects that he'd always, somewhat secretly, enjoyed had become boring and uninteresting. He was simply too tired to deal with any of it.

Mc Gonagall sighed heavily.

"Transfiguration has always been one of your best subjects, Potter. I'd hate to have to fail you..."

"I'll try harder"

James was surprised that his voice carried, and was even full of strength, as he interrupted her. He didn't want any reminders of how things used to be. When noticing the somewhat doubtful look on Mc Gonagall's face he added:

"I promise"

There was another silence and James stared down at his desk, silently praying that his professor would find a good excuse to end this meeting right now. He also wondered whether his friends were waiting for him outside, and whether he even wanted them to...

"How are you?"

Mc Gonagall's question consisted of three simple words and yet James didn't hesitate a second when deciding that it was better to lie. He tried his best to look confused and asked:

"What do you mean, professor?"

Just like he'd feared, Mc Gonagall obviously didn't believe him. She snorted loudly and gave him an annoyed look.

"Don't be silly, Potter. After everything you've been through..."

"Are we done?"

That was the second time James interrupted his professor and head of house but he didn't care. All he cared about was getting out of here as soon as possible and escaping somewhere else entirely... Without another word he stood up, swung his bag over his shoulder and turned around to leave. Mc Gonagall remained silent until the moment when he grabbed the door-handle:

"James"

He stopped, mostly because he couldn't remember that she had ever called a student by his or her first name before. _Just get it over with, _he told himself and turned around to face her again. She waited. He waited.

"If you need to talk to someone..."

"I don't"

_Pay _someone to listen to his problems and mess with his head? He'd rather die... Mc Gonagall finally seemed to have given up and nodded slightly.

"Just remember I said that" she said, with a surprisingly soft voice. "And _try_ to pay more attention in class, please. It would be a shame to let your talent go to waste"

Before leaving the classroom James nodded back, only so Mc Gonagall would know that he'd heard her all right. However, he seriously doubted whether he'd be able to follow her advice. He felt too weak.

**Sirius**

When Mc Gonagall had asked James to stay behind after Transfiguration Sirius' first thought had been to wait for him outside. However, Remus was quick to inform him that he didn't consider that a good idea.

"Whatever Mc Gonagall has to say probably won't make him happy, he might need some time alone" he'd told Sirius. "Besides, Divination starts in ten minutes"

"And we really don't want to be late for _that_!" Sirius had replied sarcastically, but Remus ignored him.

So now, Sirius was sitting in one of professor Trelawney's most uncomfortable armchairs, feeling his headache getting worse by the second as his teacher went on and on about "casting yourself into the future". The smoky room was, as usual, filled with a strange smell of strong perfume that made Sirius dizzy and it didn't take long before his thoughts drifted off to James.

Transfiguration finished around half an hour ago, didn't Mc Gonagall had other lessons to attend to? Or, James had just decided to skip Divination and taken off somewhere else... The second option was definitely more likely and Sirius informed his friends of that when they were finally allowed to leave the classroom and headed towards the Great Hall for lunch.

"Well, he's not here" Remus stated once they'd sat down by the Gryffindor table and Peter asked, sounding worried:

"You don't think something's happened to him, do you?"

"Of course not" Remus replied, probably trying to calm Sirius down without succeeding. "What could possibly have happened?"

Sirius knew that Hogwarts was sometimes called the "safest place in the wizarding world" but he also knew that James was not one hundred percent stable at the moment. What if he lost his temper, started a fight with someone or...

Sirius stood up, leaving most of his lunch untouched. He already had an idea of where his best friend might be.

"I'll go look for him" he told his friends and Remus sighed.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, what if..."

"Remus, I've had enough of 'what if's lately!" Sirius interrupted him heatedly. "This time, I want real answers and I want the truth. And James is going to give it to me whether he wants to or not"

And then he left the Great Hall, silently hoping that he was right.

**James**

Even though the clear blue sky and the sun might trick people into thinking that the weather was warm, it really wasn't. James shivered and pulled his cloak tighter around himself, trying not to think so much as the freezing winds seemed to blow right through him and left him with a strange feeling of loneliness.

But of course, it was impossible not to.

With his eyes focused on the Black Lake's shore located only meters away, James thought that the whole thing was quite ironic. Mc Gonagall had asked him to start taking school more seriously, he'd promised he'd try and then skipped Divination the first chance he got. If she found out he was probably doomed. Still, he could come up with several good reasons why he didn't want to go.

First of all, he was still in a bad mood from the conversation he'd had with Mc Gonagall and he didn't want to take it out on his friends. None of this was their fault. Second, professor Trelawney was one of James' least favorite teachers and he'd continued taking her class only because it was the only subject where he and Sirius could make up the answers for their homework. Third, he didn't want people to ask him what Mc Gonagall had wanted.

_"If you need to talk to someone..."_

Out of pure anger James grabbed a rock lying beside him and threw it as hard as he could into the lake. It was only a matter of time before she'd declare him mental and take away his Head Boy badge. At least then Lily would be happy...

"Nice throw"

James didn't even jump at the sound of Sirius' voice and he didn't turn around. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he went looking for him at this particular place; they'd spent hours down here during the past couple of years whenever they felt like talking or just being alone. Sirius didn't say anything else, but went to sit down next to James on the ground.

"How did you know where I was?" James asked, even though he knew the answer to his own question and Sirius snorted.

"You're kidding, right?"

James didn't reply and for a moment they both just sat there, enjoying the view and the silence. Sirius was the first one to speak up:

"What did Mc Gonagall want?"

"She asked me to pay more attention in Transfiguration" James replied shortly, grabbing another rock. "And then she said that I might need to _talk _to someone..."

It was obvious to anyone how much he hated to even think about it and perhaps that's why it took Sirius a moment to figure out how to express himself. Then, he looked right at James and said, voice low:

"Well, maybe you do"

James' first thought was to just get up and leave, or at least yell at Sirius for being wrong. What did he know, anyway? But suddenly, exhaustion washed over him and he knew that there was no way he'd even manage to come up with a decent excuse or lie. For the moment, he was out of them. His voice trembled slightly as he asked his best friend:

"Great, so now you think I'm crazy, too?"

"You're not crazy" Sirius said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "But you've witnessed crazy things and unless you share it with someone it'll eat you up inside"

Another silence, and James knew where Sirius was trying to get. But it was impossible. If he'd tell, talk to and actually _confide _in someone that meant that he had to remember. He had to let the thoughts he spent so much time pushing to the back of his mind come forward and then, he'd _definitely _go crazy.

James kept his eyes on the lake.

"Do you think it hurts?" he asked absentmindedly, barely noticing the look of surprise on his friend's face. "Dying?"

When he didn't get a reply he added:

"I mean, that moment when it all just ends..."

"Why do you ask that?" Sirius interrupted him sharply.

James swallowed. This was it. If he continued now, he'd put words to something he'd never told anyone before. Was it worth it?

"Because I want to know exactly how much pain I caused. If it all went really quick or if they..."

He drifted off, couldn't bring himself to continue. Sirus looked at him incredulously.

"How much pain _you _caused?" he repeated. "You think it's _your _fault they died?"

For the first time, Sirius seemed to be the one at a loss for words. James couldn't bring himself to look at his friend and almost felt like he wasn't the one who spoke when the words left his mouth:

"I was there, wasn't I? It just... it all happened so fast..."

"Which is why you couldn't have done anything to prevent it" Sirius interrupted him firmly. "James, your parents were really skilled magicians, both of them. If they knew that you sat here, blaming yourself..."

"Well I do" James snapped, standing up abruptly and trying not to shiver as he wrapped his Gryffindor scarf tighter around his neck. "Perhaps if I'd paid more attention in Defence against the Dark Arts class or at least been a little quicker to react, they might still be alive"

Sirius stared at him, opened and closed his mouth several times but no words escaped his lips. James met his gaze and before he turned around to leave he finished, voice hard:

"And now I have to live with that. Puts everything else into perspective, doesn't it?"

**Author's note: Wow, 51 reviews, 71 followers and 37 favorites! To me that's a whole lot and I'm so grateful to you all! Reviews really motivate me to keep writing and they'll definitely make me update quicker. **

**As you've probably noticed, this chapter is more of a filler even though there are many emotions involved. Still, I think Sirius managed to break through some of James' walls and that's always a good thing. There will be more Lily and Lily/James in the next chapter!**

**Please review and tell me what you think! :)**


	13. A Trip to Hogsmeade

**A Trip to Hogsmeade**

_"Funny how the heart can be deceiving  
More than just a couple times"_

_Pink - Try_

"What's the matter with you?"

Remus gave Sirius a curious look and slammed the Transfiguration textbook shut; he'd finally realized that there was no point trying to teach his friend anything in this state. Sirius kept staring out the window absentmindedly and he'd barely uttered a word since dinner.

"Sirius! Wake up!"

Several students in the Gryffindor common room looked their way when Remus raised his voice and Sirius finally turned to look at him.

"Huh?" he asked confusedly, as if he hadn't heard a single word. "What's up?"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"I was just going to ask _you _the same thing, you've been acting weird all night"

For a moment, Sirius just stared back at his friend, silently wondering whether he ought to tell him the truth or not. Naturally, it'd be really nice to share it with someone but James had finally opened up to him and he wasn't likely to do it again if he, Sirius, ran off and told Remus all about it the first chance he got.

"It's James, isn't it?"

Remus interrupted his thoughts and Sirius opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. Fearing that Remus might see the truth in his eyes, he looked away and pretended to be very interested in the quill lying on the desk in front of him.

"How did you know?" he finally muttered and Remus shrugged before replying:

"It's not that hard to guess. Besides, you weren't acting like this before you went to see him at lunch"

When Sirius didn't say anything to confirm Remus' theories he urged the matter further.

"Sirius, I'm one of your closest friends" he reminded him gently. "You know you can trust me with anyth..."

"It's not that simple!" Sirius interrupted him, holding out his hands in exasperation. "I do trust you but James is my best friend and now that he's _finally _told me something that's not 'I'm fine' I shouldn't just give it all away to you!"

Remus sighed heavily.

"Well, you've seen how well the whole 'I'm not talking to anyone about my feelings'-mantra has worked for James so far" he said. "I just thought you might be clever enough not to end up the same way"

Sirius stayed silent, cursing under his breath when thinking that his friend was right. Then he said, barely loud enough for Remus to hear:

"He blames himself... for what happened with his parents"

There was a short silence, in which Remus just stared right back at him. After almost a minute he started:

"Well, I've heard that feelings of guilt are quite common when one's grieving..."

"But this was really bad, Remus!" Sirius interrupted him, silently reminding himself to lower his voice so the entire common room wouldn't hear him. "He asked me what I thought dying was like since he wanted to know 'how much pain he'd caused'! And then he said that if he'd only paid more attention in Defence Against the Dark Arts..."

But Remus held up his hand to silence him.

"Calm down, Sirius..." he started but Sirius wouldn't even let him finish his sentence:

"No, now is not the time to 'calm down', Remus! I honestly feel like we have to do something about this, can't you talk to him?"

This wasn't something that Sirius had planned to ask his friend, but now that the idea literally just popped into his mind it didn't seem that bad. Of course, James would know that Sirius had told Remus what he'd said but if it made a difference it'd definitely be worth it. However, Remus looked doubtful.

"I don't know, what makes you think he'll listen?"

Sirius shrugged.

"It's worth a try, isn't it? If he hears from more than one person that he has no reason to feel guilty he might actually believe it!"

Remus was quiet for a short while but then sighed again and Sirius knew he'd won.

"Fine. But don't get your hopes up"

**James**

The following week seemed to pass by in a blur, where James tried his very best not to focus on anything but schoolwork. The main reason for this was that he knew that he'd get into trouble if he didn't, and another was that it was a great distraction whenever everything felt completely hopeless. The project in Potions where Lily was his partner would be finished in about a week and he was grateful, seeing as they still hadn't spoken a word to each other since the day when Gryffindor won against Ravenclaw.

Of course, there was one more thing that James simply couldn't stop caring about and that was quidditch. In a few weeks' time his team would play against Slytherin and even if most of the joy he'd felt when Miranda caught the Snitch was gone the next morning he longed to feel it again - it was the only time he'd actually managed to laugh. With that in mind, James was the first team captain who convinced his teammates to start practicing again only a week after their last game.

It was a cold November morning, winter was definitely on its way now. James wrapped his Gryffindor scarf around his neck whilst he left the quidditch pitch and headed up towards the school for breakfast, thinking how great this very practice session had been. The confidence that had come with winning against Ravenclaw obviously hadn't left any of the team's members and they all played surprisingly well.

_We'll win_, James thought and couldn't help smiling to himself. _We'll win and it'll definitely wipe the smile off Flint's face..._

His thoughts were interrupted as he found his road blocked by none other than Remus, who held two pieces of toast with jam in his hand and offered them to James. He slowly accepted them, giving his friend a strange look.

"What's this about?" he burst out, thinking that he might as well get to the point straight away.

Remus had his hands in his pockets and gave James an innocent look before they started walking side by side, without really knowing where they were going. He shrugged slightly before replying:

"I just wanted to catch up with you, so I thought I might bring your breakfast out here instead"

He nodded towards the pieces of toast in James' hand and the latter nodded slightly, silently thinking that this couldn't be a good thing. Of course, he and Remus had spent time like this and talked alone before, but that his friend was so keen on doing it only a week after he'd accidentally spilled to Sirius what he felt about his parents' deaths was just too much of a coincidence.

"Talked to Sirius, have you?" James asked cooly, glaring at Remus whose eyes widened in surprise.

It was obvious that he hadn't expected his friend to figure that out so fast, and now it took him a few seconds to regain his ability to speak. This was enough for James to know that he'd guessed right and he looked away, snorting silently. He couldn't help feeling slightly betrayed and Remus seemed to realize this for he said:

"Don't be mad at him, he's just worried about you..."

"Really?" James interrupted him, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's a first"

By now, they'd almost reached the Black Lake. There was a short silence, in which they both enjoyed the view and watched as the Giant Squid appeared above the surface, half-hidden behind the morning fog that covered the lake almost like a blanket. Eventually, Remus broke the silence:

"He told me how you feel... about what happened. That you think it's your fault"

James looked right back at Remus, in an almost defiant sort of way. What was he going to respond to that? It was nothing but the truth.

"So?" he finally asked and Remus shook his head slowly.

"That's not true James and I think that somewhere deep inside, you know it"

As James opened his mouth to object Remus held up his hand to silence him and soon continued:

"However, I won't waste any time arguing with you about that. I was actually thinking that what you might really need is some distraction"

For a short moment, James felt a strange urge to laugh. Oh yes, if there was one thing he needed it was distraction. He needed distraction from thinking about what his aunt had written in her letter, that You-know-who was gaining strength and new followers. He needed distraction from his memories that were constantly haunting him and from the fact that he'd been stupid enough to tell Sirius the truth. He needed distraction from being Head Boy and sharing a living quarter with Lily Evans...

But how on earth was Remus going to give him that?

"Distraction?" he repeated and his friend nodded.

"There's a Hogsmeade weekend coming up and Sirius, Peter and I were all thinking of going. I want you to come with us"

Naturally, James already knew about this. Whenever a Hogsmeade weekend was coming up, it seemed to be the only thing people discussed for weeks and he'd even heard Lily say she'd go with her friends Alice and Amelia. However, James himself didn't feel like he was up to the whole thing. Hogsmeade, the village that used to be one of his favorite places on earth, was just another reminder of how things had once been. It held so many memories and he wasn't sure he could handle it.

_But you want them to stop worrying about you, _a little voice inside his head whispered. _If you accompany them to Hogsmeade you'll show them that you're fine._

James couldn't oppose to that and after a moment's silence he met Remus gaze again and replied, to his friend's great surprise:

"Fine. Count me in"

**Lily**

"What do you think of this one?" Alice scrutinized her reflection in the big mirror hanging on the wall in the clothing shop, before giving Lily an annoyed glance. "Lily! You're not looking!"

"What?" Lily asked absentmindedly, glancing up from the book she was currently reading. "That looks great, Alice"

"How into this are you, really?"

Amelia appeared from behind the door leading into one of the fitting rooms and raised her eyebrows at Lily. The latter sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry but it's at least 150 degrees warm in here and I already have all the clothes I need..."

"Well, the more reason to be our moral support" Alice interrupted her whilst squeezing a pink, horrible looking sweatshirt over her head. "How do I look?"

Amelia and Lily cast a quick glance at one another and then they both burst out laughing.

"That is probably one of the most horrible looking shirts I've ever witnessed!" Amelia said but Alice opposed and it didn't take long before they'd both disappeared into the fitting rooms again.

Lily sat on a chair and took a quick glance around the shop, watching as witches in all ages tried on different shirts, trousers and skirts almost as if their lives depended on it. She glanced at her watch and realized they'd already been in here for over an hour. When she'd agreed to accompany her friends to Hogsmeade to help them find some clothes _this _was not what she'd imagined...

"I'll go outside to get some air" Lily called and stood up, waiting for her friends' replies.

However, they were both in the middle of what seemed to be a very important discussion regarding a skirt and so Lily rolled her eyes and left anyway. Once they realized that she was missing they'd probably be able to figure out where she'd gone and they had each other.

It was cold outside the shop and Lily shivered, thinking that she wouldn't be too surprised if it started snowing any day now. She glanced up the main street, trying to catch a glimpse of someone she knew. However, most students seemed to be hiding inside the Three Broomsticks and Lily thought that she might as well go join them, seeing as Alice and Amelia wouldn't be done anytime soon. Or perhaps she could go to that book store where...

"James?"

The sight of him had interrupted her thoughts and as he turned around, looking just as surprised as she felt, Lily cursed herself for using his first name. Since when was he "James" to her?

For a moment the two of them were left staring at each other and then, just to have something to do, Lily sat down on a bench placed just beside the entrance to the shop she'd exited seconds earlier.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, silently hoping that the question sounded casual.

James had his hands in his pockets and shrugged slightly before replying:

"I'm on my way back to school, there's some homework I need to finish"

Lily nodded slightly. Actually, she shouldn't be shocked to find him wandering around on his own. These days, he barely seemed to stand Sirius and Remus for a longer while.

"And you?"

She jumped at the sound of his voice and spoke very fast when she explained:

"I'm here with Alice and Amelia" She nodded towards the shop behind her. "But they've been in there for hours trying on at least a hundred shirts each and I needed some air"

"I can keep you company until they're done"

He seemed just as surprised by his words as Lily herself did. For a moment, she couldn't bring herself to say anything and pressed her lips together. He hadn't sounded desperate, or even the slightest annoying, but the statement alone was enough to remind her of everything that had happened between them in the past. Obviously, James himself was thinking along the same lines and dropped her gaze quickly.

"I'm sorry" he said. "I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay" Lily interrupted him, knowing that that was the truth. "And thank you. If you want to join me, I'm not going to stop you"

She gave him a small smile which he returned before he slowly went to sit down next to her. It was a strange and yet comfortable feeling and for a moment they both just sat there in silence. Lily wrapped her Gryffindor scarf tighter around her neck and stole a quick glance at James. What she saw made her heart sink.

She remembered how truthfully _happy _he'd looked after the quidditch game and how the dark circles under his eyes magically seemed to have vanished when he joked around with Sirius and the others during the celebrations in the common room. Now, that was all gone and his pale face shined with exhaustion and worry. It hurt to know that that was what grief did to people. Was it ever going to stop?

"Did you know I accidentally set fire to my sister's pants once?"

_Where did that come from? _Lily had no idea, seeing as she hadn't thought about it for years. Truth to be told, she usually avoided thinking about Petunia since it only made her feel miserable. She smiled to herself, wondering why she'd never told Alice about this and why she told _James Potter_,of all people, now.

Perhaps she'd just come to realize that she'd do anything to get that look off his face. To make the old James re-appear, only for a second.

"No..." he finally said, clearing his throat before looking at her confusedly. "No, I didn't know that"

"I was nine years old so I didn't know that I was a witch back then" Lily told him, amazed by how the words just seemed to leave her mouth even though she hadn't planned for any of this. "Petunia was eleven and she had a friend over for dinner. Anyway, she kept telling me that I was a freak and when she stood up to get some more food... Well, let's just say she could never use those pants again"

To her great relief, James grinned.

"How on earth did you manage to do that?" he asked incredulously and sounded somewhat impressed.

Lily smirked back at him.

"I have no idea, I guess I just let my feelings get the best of me. Until the day I got my Hogwarts letter my mum and dad never spoke of it, they were both quite frightened by the whole thing. And Petunia still pretends like it never happened"

Lily didn't know how it happened, but for the next twenty minutes she found herself sitting there, sharing parts of her muggle everyday life with James Potter. And what surprised her the most was the fact that it was just so... _easy_, like they'd known each other forever. Was he really the person she'd screamed at so many times, saying she'd rather go out with the Giant Squid than with him? Was he really the person who'd bullied Severus for years and the person who Lily herself had sworn to hate for all eternity?

It certainly didn't feel like it now.

When James smiled and obviously forgot about all the things that were bothering him for a moment, Lily felt all warm inside. If this was what making someone happy was like, she could do it all day. When she told him about the time she'd climbed onto the roof and had to sit up there for hours, waiting for her parents to come home and get her down, James actually laughed. The whole thing caught Lily slightly off guard and for a moment she drifted off, eyeing him in silence.

"What?" James finally asked, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

Somehow, Lily regained her ability to speak and mumbled:

"It's just... It's been so long since I saw you laugh"

For a moment, Lily feared that she'd ruined the moment by saying the wrong thing but when James opened his mouth to reply she knew that he wasn't angry with her.

"It happens" he said calmly. "Not very often, though"

There was a short silence. Lily suddenly felt like there were so many things she wanted to say, and yet she had no idea where to begin. She knew that no matter what happened next, she'd always remember this. She'd never actually _talked _to James Potter before. In fact, she'd probably taken for granted that talking wasn't really his thing. But then again, he seemed to have changed...

"I'm sorry" she suddenly said, voice low. "For being so moody when you got back to the common room that night of the quidditch game"

The truth was, Lily still didn't know why she'd been acting the way she did. Perhaps James didn't even have anything to do with it? But then what was it that bothered her so much? To prove her point she added:

"I mean, if you and Amy Baker want to..."

"Nothing really happened" James interrupted her and Lily fell silent at once, meeting his gaze again. "It was a mistake"

She opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted as the door leading into the clothing shop burst open and Alice and Amelia came outside, both carrying several bags each.

"You know, you could at least _tell _us before you go somewhere. We thought you'd been kidnapped!" Alice exclaimed and Lily snorted.

"I told you I was going outside to get some air, but perhaps you didn't hear me since you were too busy being stuck in that horrible pink sweatshirt..."

Amelia giggled and Alice hit Lily on the arm playfully.

"It was not _that _bad! Actually, I think it..."

But she drifted off when she finally spotted James and seeing as she opened her mouth and then closed it again without saying anything, Lily thought that her friend wasn't very good at hiding her surprise. Alice looked from James to Lily and then back to James again before she said:

"James! What are you doing here?"

James stood up, obviously realizing that it was time for him to go, and replied casually:

"I'm on my way back to school"

Alice nodded slightly and Lily got the feeling that she was having some sort of inner debate with herself wondering whether she ought to question him any further. Luckily, she decided not to and James said:

"I should go. See you"

He gave Lily one last glance before he turned around and left. She tried to look unbothered even though she could feel her friends' curious gazes upon her. Amelia was the first one to speak up:

"I thought you hated him!"

Lily opened her mouth to say something, anything, but Alice reached her to it:

"What did you two talk about?"

"I... We..." Lily drifted off, not sure what to say.

_"I shared some childhood memories and then grinned like an idiot when realizing that I could actually make him smile"_? That surely wouldn't do... She swallowed.

"We caught up, that's all"

Lily started walking in the opposite direction of James and missed the confused look that Alice sent Amelia before mumbling:

"Caught up? Since when does Lily do _that _with James Potter?"

Amelia shook her head slowly.

"I have no idea"

**James**

James felt... weird when heading back towards the castle, like everything that had happened during the past half an hour was just a dream. Did he and Lily Evans really have a normal conversation without him asking her out like a desperate idiot, and without her informing him of how much she despised his lack of manners?

He couldn't help grinning to himself when thinking about all the stories she'd told him. He had no idea whether all of it was even true, but she'd known that it had made him feel better and that's what really mattered. She'd cared.

Just as James was about to turn left, and head towards carriages that always brought the students back to the castle, he heard something. The sound reminded him of a twig breaking and he turned around sharply, feeling his heart starting to beat somewhat faster than normal.

There was no one, or nothing, in sight and the only thing he could hear was his own, sharp breaths. Then, before he had time to react or even properly think, red light came soaring towards him at full speed.

James closed his eyes, waited and everything went black.

**Author's note: Thank you so much for your reviews on the latest chapter, as you already know they mean so so much to me. I guess this is the first chapter with a real cliffhanger but I promise that there are more to come!**

**Please review and tell me what you think, and thanks for reading! :) **


	14. Faith and Doubt

**Faith and Doubt**

_"I knew you were trouble when you walked in  
So shame on me now"_

_Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble_

"I'm telling you, someone attacked me!"

James silently hoped it showed on his face how furious he was but even if it did, Madam Pomfrey still pretended like she didn't hear him. She just kept dabbing his forehead with some piece of wet fabric and said:

"There you go dear, just try and relax now... Why don't you go to sleep for a while?"

"I'm not tired" James snapped, knowing that it was a lie.

Ever since he'd woken up and found himself on a bed in the Hospital Wing ten minutes earlier the thoughts had kept spinning through his head, and no matter how much he tried to figure it all out it just didn't make any sense.

_Maybe it's them. Maybe they wanted to finish what they started._

James felt sick. _No, _he told himself firmly and hoped that Madam Pomfrey wouldn't see how upset he was. _It can't be. If they'd wanted me dead they would have done it this summer._

His thoughts were interrupted as he heard the door leading into the Hospital Wing open and even though Madam Pomfrey's figure was blocking his view, he could still hear Sirius' upset voice:

"I knew we shouldn't have let him wander off on his own! Why is it that he always ends up in trouble?!"

James couldn't help smirking when he saw the displeased look on Madam Pomfrey's face, even though it was a bit annoying that Sirius talked about him like some disabled child. The nurse gave the marauders a nasty glance and said:

"_Ten _minutes! My patients need their rest..."

James rolled his eyes and sighed heavily, just as Sirius and the others reached his bed.

"I said I'm _fine _now! Can I just go back to my room and..."

Madam Pomfrey interrupted him with a snort so loud he was sure it'd carry through the entire castle had not the door leading into the Hospital Wing been closed.

"Absolutely not! Do you really think I'd let you leave when you were found _unconscious _only _minutes _ago boy?! Who knows if it'll happen again?"

She continued to dab James' forehead while muttering:

"Letting students wander off like that on their own... Madness, if you want my opinion... What if Hagrid hadn't found you?"

"Well he did, didn't he?" James was beginning to lose the little of his patience he still had left and after what felt like an eternity Madam Pomfrey finally stepped back.

James couldn't help feeling extremely uncomfortable when she continued to scrutinize him with a concerned look on her face.

"Have you been eating and drinking properly lately, Potter? Ever fainted like that before? Any illness I should be aware of?"

He stared back at her in disbelief and opened and closed his mouth several times, afraid that he'd say something way too nasty for the nurse's liking. He felt like yelling at her, holding up a sign saying: "I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!" or just drink some Veritaserum so she'd know he wasn't lying. Why was that so hard to believe? James dropped Madam Pomfrey's gaze.

"Just tell me when I can leave here" he finally said and for a second he was sure that she'd oppose, but after a short while she just walked away in silence.

"Was that really necessary?" Remus asked quietly and the second James turned to look at him one could tell that he regretted his own words.

"What do you mean?"

_Don't lose it, _he told himself again and again. _Stay calm. It's their problem if they don't believe you._

"She's trying to help you..." Remus started but James interrupted him, raising his voice slightly:

"Yeah, I can tell!" His voice was dripping with sarcasm. "She won't even believe me when I tell her what happened!"

Sirius stole a glance at Madam Pomfrey who was taking care of a fourth year girl further down the room and then sat down on the edge of his best friend's bed, leaning slightly closer to him when mumbling:

"Well, what _did _happen? You said you were going back to school to finish some homework and then we hear from Mc Gonagall that Hagrid's found you, lying unconscious..."

"I was attacked"

It was weird how James had wanted to make people see the truth all along, but now that he actually spoke the words out loud to his friends he almost regretted it. He could see how Sirius and Remus exchanged a quick glance before Sirius turned to stare at him.

"Attacked?" he repeated. "By who?"

"I don't know, I didn't see their face"

There was a short silence and James tried his best to avoid his friends' gazes. He knew he couldn't stand the disbelief in their eyes and he still felt like he was on the verge of exploding. The anger, confusion and fear were all too much to handle.

"But... What do you mean someone 'attacked' you?" Remus finally asked. "Did they jump at you or..."

James shook his head.

"I just... I heard something, like a twig breaking. The last thing I remember is a jet of red light"

"Like a stunning spell?"

James nodded silently, thinking that this was all like a second nightmare in the one he already spent every day in. As if he didn't have enough problems already...

"Probably. Hagrid found me below a tree so I guess I crashed right into it, that's what made me faint"

It was obvious how the three marauders had no idea what to respond to this new piece of information. Sirius looked shocked, Remus doubtful and Peter just nervous, as always. James knew that his story had its flaws and that it was all very unlikely, but definitely not impossible. He knew he wasn't able to hide the look of hurt and betrayal on his face when he coldly stated:

"You don't believe me"

Another quick glance that they didn't think he noticed was exchanged.

"No, James we..." Remus started but was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey's stern voice:

"I'm afraid your ten minutes are over, mr Lupin. You and your friends will have to leave now"

"But..." Sirius objected right as the door leading into the Hospital Wing opened again.

Professor Mc Gonagall entered, followed closely by Hagrid. James could tell from where he was lying that they both wore grim face expressions, which was quite unusual on Hagrid's part... Luckily, this seemed to be the end of the nurse's shouting for she simply muttered:

"Minerva, I was just telling Potter's friends that my patiens need their rest..."

"Oh I won't be long, Poppy" Mc Gonagall interrupted her and she and Hagrid both made their way over to James' bed, the latter taking up so much place James could no longer look out the windows on the other end of the room.

It was quite a funny sight, but he was in no mood for laughing. Actually, he had a feeling that this was the very last thing he needed, considering the fact that Mc Gonagall already worried about him. Would she even belive him if he told her the truth?

"How are you feeling Potter?"

James hurried to sit up in bed, trying his best to look more alert than he actually felt.

"I'm fine. Can you convince her to let me leave?"

He nodded towards Madam Pomfrey and could see how Remus rolled his eyes, probably thinking that it was so like James to never be able to just lie down and relax for longer than a minute. Apparently, Mc Gonagall wasn't too impressed by his words, either.

"I'm afraid I can't do that" she replied, pressing her lips into a thin line.

"But you're my head of house!" James exclaimed, feeling more annoyed by the second. "What if you just tell her that..."

"I have no reason to tell her that you're free to go, Potter" Mc Gonagall replied, her voice slightly harsh. "Though I must admit I'd really like to know why Hagrid had to bring you here in the first place"

There was a short silence and James pressed his lips hard together, forcing himself not to look away from his Transfiguration teacher's intense gaze as he thought about what to say. It would be so much easier to just lie, to say that he'd probably just had too little to eat for breakfast combined with lack of sleep or something. Because that's probably what she wanted to hear.

That's what they all wanted to hear. But he'd already told his friends the truth...

"Someone shot a stunning spell at me"

Mc Gonagall raised her eyebrows skeptically and James cursed silently to himself. _No surprise there..._

"A stunning spell? In Hogsmeade?" she finally asked. "Mr Potter, are you sure..."

Once again, James was on the verge of losing it and threw a nasty glance at Sirius and Remus.

"Why don't you two pair up with her?" he asked them, nodding towards Mc Gonagall.

Sirius sighed, looking at him in a way that only made him feel even more frustrated. They all behaved like he was an immature, stubborn child...

"We didn't say we don't believe you..." his friend started.

"Really? 'Cause if you do you have a funny way of showing it"

Another silence. James snorted and then turned to glare at the bed on his right, just so he wouldn't have to meet anyone's gaze. He tried his best to ignore the odd and worried looks his friends still gave him. Mc Gonagall continued:

"Potter, it seems very unlikely that someone would..."

"I DON'T CARE WHETHER IT'S LIKELY OR NOT!"

He was on the verge of losing it. Completely. He'd had enough of people treating him like he was made of glass. Like an idiot and like someone who couldn't even take care of himself anymore.

"I'm just telling you what I saw"

James had lowered his voice again, feeling slightly sorry for the other patients in the Hospital Wing. He hadn't meant to cause such a scene... Mc Gonagall sighed heavily and apparently, Madam Pomfrey was keen on stopping the discussion from going any further.

"Were you followed by someone?" Mc Gonagall asked, looking at James intently. "Someone who could have attacked you from behind?

He shook his head slowly.

"I just heard a twig break, then I saw a jet of red light and the next thing I know I wake up here"

He was getting tired. Tired of the repeating the same story over and over again and tired of feeling angry and confused. Tired of everything. To his great relief, Mc Gonagall simply accepted his answer by nodding shortly.

"Very well, if that's all you remember I guess there's not much we can do to find the culprit at the moment. I'll talk to professor Dumbledore about it, though. I assume you'll want to keep him here, Poppy?

She turned to look at Madam Pomfrey who nodded feverishly.

"Absolutely. That boy is not going anywhere until I've made sure he's in perfect health"

It was almost ironic. He hadn't been in "perfect health" for months now...

Together, Mc Gonagall and Madam Pomfrey convinced Sirius, Remus and Peter to leave, but promised that they'd be allowed to visit the first thing the next day. James felt slightly bad for realizing that he actually _wanted _them to leave. He wasn't sure how much more he could take at the moment and he needed time to _think_.

Once the three marauders had left, the Hospital Wing fell almost uncomfortably silent again and James locked his gaze with Hagrid's for the first time.

"Thank you for getting me here, Hagrid" he said, hoping the gamekeeper would know how grateful he was even though his smile felt fake.

"It's nothin'" Hagrid muttered and before leaving he added:

"Get well soon"

James nodded, feeling exhausation wash over him right as Madam Pomfrey handed him a glass filled with a strange looking, clear blue liquid.

"Sleeping potion" she explained shortly when noticing the suspicious look on his face. "Finish all of it. You must be exhausted"

And for once, James didn't have the strength to object.

**James**

_"Son, please trust us on this one. Listen to your mother and apparate to your aunt's house" _

_James' father's voice was so low it was hard to make out the words at first but when looking into his eyes James realized just how bad things were. His father never seemed afraid, defeated or even sad. But he did now. In fact, he looked almost heartbroken. _

_"We love you"_

_James stared right back at his parents and exclaimed, wand clutched in his right hand:_

_"Which is why I'm not leaving! I'm out of age and I can handle whatever..."_

_Suddenly, there was a loud sound coming from the other side of the front door, almost like a violent knock. James' mother turned around sharply and her eyes widened with fear before she whispered to her husband and son:_

_"It's too late"_

_James furrowed, feeling how his heart started to beat faster. _

_"What do you mean 'it's too late'? What's happeni..."_

_But he was interrupted by a sound so loud he was about to cover his ears, and then the front door burst open. Standing in the doorway were two black-hooded tall figures he'd never seen before and even though their faces were covered with masks it was easy to make out their cold, humourless laughs._

_"I knew we'd find you eventually"_

_The death eater's voice was male and yet soft and the only thing James could think about was how much he seemed to enjoy this. And how his parents both looked like they were suddenly unable to move. Still, his dad looked right back at the two strangers and said:_

_"We'll do whatever you want. Just please spare our son, he has nothing to do with this"_

_James had never felt more confused in his entire life. There were so many questions he wanted to ask and still, no words escaped his lips. When he met his mother's gaze again he realized that "confused" was not enough. He was terrified._

_The other death eater, female this time, laughed loudly._

_"You're in no position to negotiate, Potter"_

_And then she raised her wand._

As James woke up he found himself screaming out loud, something that hadn't happened in quite a long time. But then again, it was really bad this time. Like it all happened again... He tried to take a deep breath but his lungs made sounds as if he'd just been out running several kilometers.

_It was just a nightmare, _he told himself like he always did before the other voice inside his head took over:

_But it happened. It all happened._

James opened his eyes, simply because he hoped it'd be easier to forget that way. As he looked around the Hospital Wing he realized that he must have slept through the night; it was light outside and the sun seemed to be on the verge of breaking through the clouds. He looked at his watch. Ten o' clock.

Then, he found himself staring right into a pair of green eyes that he could have recognized anywhere. She was standing right in front of his bed, eyeing him worriedly.

"Lily?"

At his word, her eyes widened slightly and she jumped back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up!" Lily said, taking another few steps away from his bed.

James slowly sat up, feeling quite embarrassed by the whole thing. Here he was, in a bed in the Hospital Wing, probably all sweaty and horrible looking... Lying down would only make him seem even weaker.

"You didn't" He wiped some sweat off his forehead. "Bad dream"

Lily nodded slightly and pressed her lips together before mumbling:

"I heard what happened. Sirius told Amelia"

James was on the verge of asking exactly _what _Sirius had told Amelia Bones, seeing as he barely seemed to believe James when he told him what had happened. However, he got the answer to his question a few seconds later when Lily continued:

"It's scary. I mean, I must have been talking to you only minutes before it happened, right? Maybe I saw the person who did it. Who do you think it w..."

"I have no idea"

James' voice was harsher than he'd intended it to be and he didn't know why, but he was suddenly starting to feel annoyed. Not with Lily herself, but with the whole situation. She kept asking questions he didn't have the answers to and when thinking about that, he could literally feel the panic spread. What if they tried again? He hadn't imagined all this...

At his words, Lily fell completely silent. James couldn't help feeling extremely stupid and grimaced as his headache from earlier returned with full force. He'd probably hit that tree quite hard and hopefully, Madam Pomfrey had some painkillers...

"Does it hurt a lot?" Lily frowned at him. "Do you want me to go get Madam Pomfrey?"

"What are you doing here, Evans?"

He had to ask. He couldn't keep this up and talk to her like they were friends. It hurt too much to think that she'd go back to hating him as soon as she realized that he was in no mortal danger. What had happened in Hogsmeade the day before would never happen again, and that was that.

Lily looked surprised.

"What do you mean?"

James sighed tiredly. He needed those painkillers...

"Why are you here?" he repeated. "Why pretend like you care?"

"I am not _pretending _anything!"

She was angry now and he usually hated to upset her. But right now, James didn't care. At least he'd been honest with her and at least he'd asked her the only question he really wanted and needed the answer to. Perhaps he was being too hard on her but no matter how much he tried he couldn't ignore the anger from before that suddenly set in again.

The look of doubt on Mc Gonagall's face. Madam Pomfrey ignoring him when he'd tried to tell her what happened. Sirius and Remus exchanging confused glances. It was all signs of doubt and disbelief and he hated it.

His thoughts were interrupted as Lily snarled:

"I was here visiting Rebecca because she has a terrible cold, and right as she fell asleep you woke up screaming. Do you really expect me to just get up and leave?"

James looked straight at her and the word left his mouth before he had time to stop it:

"Yes"

It was the truth and he knew it.

He _did _expect Lily to leave because she had no reason to stay. She had never cared for him before or showed even the slightest interest whenever he'd had to spend time in the Hospital Wing due to quidditch injuries. So why now?

_Because she feels sorry for you. Just like Sirius, Remus, Peter, Mc Gonagall and everybody else..._

Lily just glared back at him.

"You're wrong" she said cooly. "I wouldn't do that, Potter. Not even to you"

"Well that's great" James snapped back, feeling like he was barely controlling his own emotions anymore. "Because I've had enough people feeling sorry for me to last a lifetime"

Lily just shook her head in disbelief and James felt like his whole soul split in two when he, for a mere second, could have sworn that he saw hurt in her eyes. However, it didn't take long before she put on her mask again and crossed her arms before hissing:

"You know what, I was an idiot to think that you'd actually changed. It's obvious to anyone that you still think the whole world revolves around you"

Before James had time to respond she'd turned around and stormed across the room. It wasn't until she'd almost reached the door that he regained his ability to speak.

"I don't think that!" he called angrily after her.

But his head started throbbing painfully and he lay back down, cursing under his breath as he heard the sound of Lily slamming the door shut behind her.

**Lily**

"I just can't believe him!"

Lily was pacing back and forth in front of the tree Alice was leaning against, gesitulacing with her hands as she spoke only to demonstrate how furious she was. Her friend sighed heavily and put down her Potions textbook.

"I assume we're still talking about James?"

"Don't call him that!" Lily snapped. "It makes it sound as if you know him, as if we're all _friends _or something..."

"Well, aren't you?" There was a sound of triumph in Alice's voice and Lily didn't like it one bit. "You two seemed to be having the time of your lives in Hogsmeade only yesterday..."

"That's not true and you know it"

Lily sat down next to her friend on the grass, only to stand up again a second later. Usually, this spot down by the lake was a place where she could always think and relax. But not today. Today, the conversation she and James had had only hours earlier made everything but sense and she didn't exactly feel calm and rational. She was angry.

"You know, back in Hogsmeade I discovered that one can actually _talk _to him without wanting to rip his head off!"

"And?" Alice urged, obviously wishing for Lily to continue.

Glad to let it all out, she did:

"And then, when I'm just trying to be _nice _to him by asking if he's all right, he simply cuts me off and asks me to stop _pretending_ like I care! I always knew he was mental but now it's obvious for anyone to see! Does he _really _think that I'm so cold-hearted I'd just ignore him when he lies there, screaming for his life and..."

"So you _do _care?"

Alice had slammed her book shut now and was staring at Lily intently, a mix of confusion and amusement on her face. Lily, hating how her cheeks suddenly reddened slightly, asked:

"What do you mean?"

"You're furious because he thought you _pretended_ like you care. That means, unless I'm entirely mistaken, that you actually do"

The two girls remained silent for what felt like a really long time, Alice's eyes never leaving Lily's face. Eventually, the latter mumbled:

"I just don't understand why he was being so rude to me. It's like... Like he was this completely different person who was just angry with everyone and everything"

"Well, that wouldn't be too shocking" Alice said, shrugging slightly. "I talked to Frank about it and apparently, Sirius and the others seem to doubt James' story"

Lily snorted loudly.

"And they're supposed to be his _best _friends"

There was another silence, even longer this time. Lily crossed her arms and took a few steps towards the lake, closing her eyes as the cold November wind hit her face. She tried her best at shutting all her emotions off but knew immediately that she wouldn't succeed. The scene from earlier went on repeat in her head and she had so many questions she wanted answers to. It was one thing if he was angry with his friends for not believing him, but why was he mean to _her_?

What had she done?

It hurt when she thought about what a nice time they'd had in Hogsmeade. What had changed since then?

Without turning around to look at Alice, Lily spoke the words:

"_I _believed him. But I guess he doesn't care about that, either"

Slowly, Alice folded her hands together in her lap and the second she opened her mouth Lily knew she was going to say one of those smart Alice-things that one couldn't easily disagree with.

"What I don't understand is why any of this is even important to you" she stated calmly, causing Lily to swallow. "Surely you haven't come to _care _for James Potter?"

Who was this new James Potter, really? Obviously, there were two sides of him... And what had she done to deserve his annoyance and fury?

"It's not important" Lily finally said, voice so low it must have been hard for her friend to make out her words. "I'm just mad at him. As always"

Alice nodded slowly and after a short while she stood up, grabbing her bag and Potions textbook that laid on the ground next to her.

"We should head back to the castle" she said. "Charms starts in ten minutes"

Lily sighed heavily and was just about to grab her own bag, and follow her friend, when Alice turned around to face her and said:

"And for the record, I doubt that he thinks you're cold-hearted. I think he still feels the very opposite, and that's the problem"

**Author's note: THANK YOU for your response on the latest chapter, I am so happy that so many of you seem to like this story so far! :) I had planned for a lot more to happen in this chapter but I didn't want it to get too long, so it'll have to wait. Then, there will also be more written from Lily's point of view. **

**By now I guess you already know that reviews make my day!**


	15. The Headmaster's Visit

**The Headmaster's Visit**

_"And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do  
There are so many thoughts in my head" _

_Dana Glover - Thinking Over_

Winter was coming. You could feel it when there was no longer any point of going outside between classes and see it when most students started wearing their cloaks inside, complaining about the corridors not being warm enough. The last sunny days of the year seemed to have passed and the rain, which James guessed would soon be replaced by snow, created mud that made Mr Filch furious whenever it was accidentally brought inside. The trees had lost their colorful leaves and frankly, there was not much to do but waiting for the holidays and focus on all the homework that was supposed to prepare the seventh years for their NEWT exams.

Of course, this was easier said than done. It had been almost three weeks since James had been attacked by the stranger in Hogsmeade and still, it seemed to be the only thing people whispered and gossiped about as soon as they got the chance. One morning, a few days after James had finally managed to convince Madam Pomfrey that attending classes and return to his own bedroom would not get him unconscious, a Hufflepuff second year blocked James' and Sirius' path on their way to Herbology.

"Is... Is it true that..." The second year looked so excited he obviously had trouble finishing his sentence. "Is it true that you were _attacked?_ And you have _no _idea who it was?!"

His eyes were big as plates as he stared at James expectantly but it was Sirius who replied:

"You know, we actually have more important things to do than play babysitters. So sod off"

The boy's cheeks turned scarlet and he immediately went to join his friends that all started whispering excitedly amongst themselves.

"Don't worry about it mate" Sirius said reassuringly and gave the second years an angry glare as he and James passed them by. "Only days from now people will forget all about this"

But James seriously doubted that and, since the Hufflepuff boy was far from the only one who obviously considered his story really exciting, he proved to be right. Whilst they were listening to professor Sprout going on and on about the Devil's Snare James couldn't help wondering why Sirius had a problem with it. Far too many times during the past couple of weeks he'd seen the same look of doubt in both Sirius' and Remus' eyes. For all he knew, _they_ might as well be the ones asking whether any of it was true.

Ironically enough, the only person who seemed to have believed in James' story from the very start was Lily Evans. Only minutes after she'd left the Hospital Wing had he realized that and James desperately wanted to apologize for how he'd been acting. However, Lily had gone back to pretending like he didn't even exist and whenever they ran into each other in their shared common room she avoided his gaze and hurried out of there as soon as possible.

James didn't blame her and frankly, he was too tired to start a fight about it. This was how Lily had always treated him. Was he really naive enough to think that _one _nice time in Hogsmeade would change that?

_Stop imagining things, _James had told himself again and again. _She hates you just as much as she always has and you have more important things to worry about, anyway._

That was true. The quidditch game against Slytherin was drawing closer and even though James had forced his team to practice almost every day he was still very nervous. What if they weren't good enough? What if Slytherin was better? What if...

"Come on Mr Potter, I don't even see you trying over there!" Professor Flitwick's squeaky voice caused James to look up and he noticed that several of his classmates had turned their heads to look at him. "Your knowledge of this charm is very likely to be tested in your NEWT exams..."

"You know what, I think they're just trying to scare us" Sirius muttered as soon as Flitwick was out of earshot. "Not a day passes by without them mentioning something that will be tested in our NEWT:s. Still, there's not _nearly _room enough for half of it..."

"And that's your, what, 160th excuse for not studying?" Remus asked and James stopped himself from sighing out loud; this was something his two friends argued about far too often for his liking.

They were having Charms on a Tuesday morning in the middle of December and as usual, James found it quite hard to pay attention. Today was even worse than usual, though, for tomorrow morning he and his team would play Slytherin. As if Remus could read his mind he asked:

"So, excited about the game tomorrow, James?"

James muttered something incoherent in response and Sirius furrowed.

"What was that?"

"I said I just hope we'll win"

Once again, professor Flitwick looked their way and James and Sirius both pretended to practice the charm they were supposed to learn whilst Remus rolled his eyes. For the first time, Peter spoke up and his voice was low and nervous sounding as he said:

"I'm sure Gryffindor will win, James"

"Yeah mate, you know we'll always believe in you"

It was not Sirius' encouraging smile, the way he tipped his chair back on its rear legs or the confidence in his voice that caught James off guard. Instead, it was Sirius' actual words that bothered him and no matter how much he wanted to, he just couldn't let it pass unnoticed.

"Yeah... At least when it comes to quidditch"

He avoided meeting anyone's gaze but could still feel the tension grow. He could tell that his friends knew perfectly well what he was referring to. Remus sighed heavily in a way that only made James feel angrier.

"James, we would never dream of calling you a liar but..."

"But what?" James interrupted him heatedly, not even surprised by the way he couldn't control his temper.

It happened all the time lately. It seemed like all he ever felt was numbness, exhaustion and anger. Somewhere here and there there was room for a little hope and a certain redhead had been a part of all those specific moments. And now he'd ruined the only chance he'd ever get.

He continued:

"Even _Evans _has a bigger faith in me than the three of you. She even asked me whether I had any ideas who might have been behind it..."

"Hang on"

James fell silent at once as Sirius held up his hand and stared at him disbelief.

"You talked to _Evans _about this? When?"

"She was in the Hospital Wing to see her friend when I was still there" James replied, silently regretting he'd said anything in the first place. "It actually seemed like... like she cared and I ruined all of it"

"Why?" Remus interrupted him curiously. "What did you do?"

James opened and closed his mouth several times and tried to come up with an honest answer to his friend's question. What _did _he do, really? At what point had she decided that she'd had enough and left? Was it when he said that he'd expected her to just leave even though he woke up screaming? When he told her that she didn't care?

Well, she didn't. Right?

James didn't know. At the moment, he had no answers to any questions regarding Lily Evans and that was another reason why he was so happy Christmas was approaching. During the summer he'd always been able to walk away whenever he felt like it but here, at Hogwarts, he had nowhere to escape to. And sometimes, the mere thought of that made him feel as if he was about to go mad.

**Lily**

"Ugh, Potions with the slytherins this afternoon" Rebecca said gloomily and eyed her timetable. "Honestly, why can't we just be with the hufflepuffs like we were last year?"

"Because Dumbledore wants us all to get along, remember?"

Alice helped herself to some food and by the sound of it, she didn't like the headmaster's new ideas about house unity any more than Lily herself did. The three girls were having lunch in the Great Hall after what had felt like a really intense morning with both Charms and Transfiguration. Mc Gonagall and Flitwick had gone on and on about their NEWT exams and Lily was feeling sick of it already, even though she hadn't even taken any of the tests yet.

Feeling like this Tuesday afternoon would get a little more bearable if she tried to keep her friends in a good mood she said, as cheerfully as she could manage:

"Well, at least this is the last lesson we have to work in pairs on that stupid project"

Lily knew she was making it all sound worse than it really was. A year ago, working with James in Potions would have been pure torture but since he mostly kept his mouth shut and did as he was told it was not much of a problem anymore. Though, of course, that was not exactly easy to admit to her friends...

Rebecca interrupted her thoughts by pointing out:

"Yeah I can see why _you're_ so happy about that. You're finally getting rid of Potter"

Alice suddenly hushed her friend and nodded towards the far end of the Gryffindor table where James and his friends were sitting. As usual, Sirius seemed to do most of the talking and when taking a closer look Lily couldn't help thinking that James looked almost... angry.

_That's not too surprising, considering the fact that none of his friends seemed to believe him when he told them what happened in Hogsemade, _she thought. Like so many times before, the conversation she'd had with James in the Hospital Wing came back to her.

_"Why are you here? Why pretend like you care?"_

Was that all she was to him? A liar who _pretended _to care about other people and who willingly hurt their feelings?

_It doesn't matter what he thinks, _a rational little voice inside Lily's head whispered. _Since when does it __**matter**__ what James Bloody Potter thinks?_

Realizing that Alice and Rebecca were both staring at her in silence, obviously waiting for a reply, Lily took a sip from her pumpkin juice and mumbled:

"Yeah... Yeah, it's great that it's finally over"

**Lily**

Just like during the past couple of weeks Lily avoided looking at James, knowing that it'd hurt if she did even though she had no idea why_. _As usual, they were sitting in the library and every now and then she took a glance at her watch, hoping that this Potions lesson would soon be over...

"I need to tell you something"

Lily slowly looked up from the piece of parchment she was writing on, hardly believing her ears. Now, it was impossible not to meet his gaze and when looking into his eyes she somehow knew what he was going to say. There was guilt, mixed with exhaustion and annoyance there. Almost as if he hated himself for what he truly felt and knew to be right.

Lily waited. James dropped her gaze and absentmindedly started drawing small, black circles with his quill on the piece of parchment lying in front of him.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly, looking up at her once more. "I don't know why I... I mean, it was wrong of me to treat you that way"

Lily had no idea what to say so she stayed silent, thinking that this was all something for the world to see. James Potter, sitting here with a rather _nervous_ look on his face, _apologizing_ for something he'd done. James Potter, _admitting_ that he was wrong.

She took a deep breath.

"It seems like that's all we ever do these days. Apologizing"

Since when was there a "we"?

Lily almost got tears in her eyes from staring right back at James for so long; it was like they'd both agreed to play a game where the person who looks away first loses. Then, he dropped her gaze and she remembered that playing was not something he did anymore. James Potter did no longer care about winning, apart from in quidditch, that was. Lily wouldn't be surprised if he wouldn't even fight back if Severus or any other slytherin jumped right at him.

He seemed to have lost everything.

"I think I know" Lily's voice was so low she could barely make out her own words. "Why you acted that way in the Hospital Wing, I mean"

This was the moment where she expected him to get angry or perhaps even get up and leave. She'd come to realize that James, just like most other people, hated it when others jumped to conclusions about his behavior and thoughts. She waited - but there was nothing. He simply stared right back at her with an expectant look on his face, apparently waiting for her to continue. So Lily did:

"You said that you don't want people to feel sorry for you..."

"I don't" James interrupted her immediately and Lily nodded silently.

"I know that" she said. "But did you ever think that the _reason _why people constantly worry about you is that you keep telling them that you're fine?"

Where was all this coming from? Lily herself had no idea. This was not something she'd spent a lot of time thinking about and yet the words just felt so... natural. As if the things she now told James were the most obvious things in the world.

He frowned at her.

"Shouldn't the fact that I'm fine make people _stop _worrying about me?" he asked and Lily shook her head slowly, amazed by her own courage.

"Not if you don't mean it" she mumbled, glancing down at her hands. "And our closest friends have a way of knowing when we're not telling the truth"

The situation was surreal. Here she was, sitting opposite James Potter in the almost deserted library, accusing him of lying when he said that he was fine. And still, she felt nothing. This seemed like the right thing to do and so she was not afraid of his reaction, whatever it might be.

What caught her by surprise was the fact that he didn't oppose. James didn't tell her that she was wrong, that she didn't know anything about him or that things were not as bad as others made them out to be. He just sat there in silence, staring out the window. His cheek was clenched, almost as if he was trying to pull himself together...

"It's okay to be sad, you know" Lily said softly and fought against a strange urge to put her hand over his. "After what happened, nobody expects you to be perfectly fine. I sure as hell wouldn't be"

A few seconds passed by before James turned to look at her. He opened his mouth to say something when...

"Lily!"

They both turned around in their seats and spotted Alice standing half hidden behind a bookshelf, her bag in one hand and her Potions textbook in the other.

"There you are!" she said, sounding both relieved and confused as she eyed the scene in front of her. "The lesson ended 10 minutes ago"

"Really?"

Lily looked at her watch, surprised. How did that happen?

Thinking that she didn't want to be late for her next lesson, she stood up and swung her bag over her shoulder. Then, she gave James a brief smile and said:

"Good luck tomorrow"

He raised his eyebrows in surprise but Lily could see that the corner of his lips had turned slightly upwards.

"I thought you hated quidditch"

"I do" Lily said, grinning back at him. "But I hate the slytherins more"

She turned around to face Alice and together they headed towards the library's exit.

**James**

James finished the letter he was going to send his aunt, gave it to his owl and watched it soar through the open window before he returned to his studies. He had used the letter as an excuse only so he could take a break from the spells he needed to learn in Defence Against the Dark Arts and the years that professor Binns insisted they had to remember for their upcoming NEWT exams. Still, he knew he had to deal with it at some point and sooner was better than later.

If he was lucky, it might even take his mind off things.

For once, James was sitting in the common room he shared with Lily rather than in his own bedroom. He didn't know why. For some inexplicable reason he'd found it a little bit easier to be around other people ever since his and Lily's talk in the library that very same afternoon. Well, at least the thought of being around _her _was not that bothering.

She'd told him things he hadn't even considered before and yet it all just sounded so... right. Like they'd known each other forever. Perhaps that's what made it impossible for him to keep up his facade and pretend like everything was fine.

_"It's okay to be sad, you know" _

Why was it that when Lily Evans said it, there was a tiny part of him that actually believed it? _You know why, _the voice inside James' head whispered triumphantly. _You know why because that's how she's always made you feel._

_No. _James opened his History of Magic textbook just to occupy his thoughts whilst he tried his best to drown out the voice. _Not anymore. Those days are gone. The person you used to be is gone._

"Oh"

He jumped at the sound of Lily's voice and turned around in his seat quickly; ever since the attack in Hogsmeade he'd been even jumpier than usual. Lily looked a bit guilty once she realized she'd scared him and said:

"I'm sorry. I'm just not used to seeing you study in here"

James took one look at the random page he'd flipped open in his History of Magic textbook and knew that there was no point. It was getting late, past 9 o' clock already, and it had been a long day. Whether he liked to admit it or not, he would have to bring home some homework for Christmas.

"Well, it's not something you'll have to get used to" he muttered, grimacing slightly as he stood up. "I'm done for tonight"

Lily nodded silently and just as James was wondering whether he ought to say something there was a soft knock on the portrait of Godric Gryffindor. They both turned their heads to stare at it for a moment and then their gazes locked. Lily's eyes widened slightly as she stated:

"I wonder who that might be. And at this hour..."

James, who could only think of _that _night when hearing a complete stranger knock on the door, didn't move. Luckily, Lily did and she and James were both caught by surprise when the portrait swung open and the headmaster himself was standing outside.

"Professor" Lily said, obviously trying to keep the surprise out of her voice. "Come in!"

Dumbledore smiled widely before doing as he was told.

"Thank you, ms Evans"

Once he'd closed the portrait behind him he was left standing there, examining the room with a pleased look on his face. Meanwhile, he kept humming on a song that James recognized from somewhere. He and Lily exchanged another quick glance before she asked:

"Is... Is something wrong?"

"Oh no ms Evans, everything is just fine"

Dumbledore slowly made his way further into the room and James got the feeling he was inspecting the place, though in a non-judgemental sort of way.

"I was never made Head Boy" he suddenly said, once again catching both James and Lily by surprise.

If there was one person one would have expected to become Head Boy it was, naturally, Dumbledore himself. The headmaster continued:

"Truth to be told, I was quite happy about it at the time. Of course, it was not until later that I realized what an honor and responsibility it is"

James had no idea where the headmaster was getting with all this and seeing as he was starting to get really tired he was actually thinking about asking. However, at that very moment, Dumbledore turned his head and his clear blue eyes met James' darker ones. They were twinkling in the light coming from the crackling fire in the other end of the common room and James suddenly felt like he was being x-rayed. Again.

"You must wonder why I have decided to come here, and at this hour" Dumbledore said calmly and James couldn't decide whether the headmaster was addressing both of them or just him. "Actually, you're the one I wish to speak with, James"

James stared at the older wizard standing in front of him, suddenly unable to speak a single word.

_"Everything is just fine, ms Evans"_. Why would he even be here if everything was "just fine"?

The thoughts started spinning through James' head. Had the death eaters found yet another victim that he was close to and cared about? Was his aunt, or anyone else, in danger? He could feel his heart starting to beat faster and didn't even notice the nervous look on Lily's face as she glanced from him to Dumbledore.

"I'm sorry, you two might want some privacy..." she started but to James' surprise Dumbledore merely gave her a smile.

"By all means, your presence does not bother me. That is, of course, unless James considers it inappropriate..."

"It's fine" James interrupted him, thinking that he didn't really have a choice.

If he'd tell Lily that he was _not_ okay with her staying in the room, he'd show himself vulnerable. Like he was afraid he'd break down in front of her. She didn't need to know that that was, in fact, the truth.

To prevent himself from dwelling on the fact that his life might take yet another dramatic turn at any moment, James silently wondered why the headmaster insisted on calling him by his first name. Did he feel sorry for him, or even _pitied_ him for what he was about to say?

"You do not have to worry" Dumbledore said calmly, interrupting his thoughts. "Like I said, everything is just fine"

He eyed the two teenagers in silence for a moment before he looked down. With a low and almost sad sounding voice he added:

"For now, at least"

Slowly, walked over to one of the extremely comfortable couches and sat down. With a switch of his wand a teapot and three cups appeared out of nowhere. Once it all softly landed on the small table, Dumbledore asked them:

"Please sit down"

James and Lily both did as they were told and did not speak a word until the headmaster continued:

"I would have come sooner, had I realized the gravity of the situation"

James saw from the corner of his eye how Lily raised her eyebrows and he could have sworn that they were both thinking the same thing:

How was this _not _bad?

Dumbledore's eyes came to rest on James again and he slowly helped himself to some tea before he said the words that changed everything:

"I wanted to talk to you about the attack in Hogsmeade"

James felt like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders and he let out a sigh of relief that probably didn't go unnoticed by Lily or Dumbledore.

Of course, the whole idea of someone wanting to hurt him was bad but not as bad as the thought of losing his aunt or any of his closest friends. He wasn't sure he could live with that and he'd rather get attacked a thousand times than watch someone he cared about getting seriously hurt.

Again.

"I've already told Mc Gonagall and Madam Pomfrey everything that happened" James said shortly. "A jet of red light is all I remember and I have no idea who'd want to..."

But Dumbledore held up his hand to silence him.

"I have spoken to professor Mc Gonagall and I am well aware of the fact that you have no idea who attacked you" Dumbledore took a sip from his tea. "However, I would like to share some personal thoughts on the matter and ask your opinion on them. That way, we might be one step closer to finding the person responsible"

The thoughts started spinning through James' head again and he felt utterly confused. For some reason, he found himself staring absentmindedly at the teapot placed on the table in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to say anything and unfortunately Lily seemed to be having the same problem.

Dumbledore, who followed James' gaze, gave him a small smile and nodded towards the teapot.

"Tea?"

_Why did he care so much about all this? _

James shook his head impatiently and eventually managed to ask the headmaster the biggest and most important question of all:

"You believe me?"

His voice was full of disbelief, for even though neither Mc Gonagall nor Madam Pomfrey had really admitted to thinking that he'd got it all wrong James knew that that was the case. Dumbledore, however, looked perfectly calm and sincere when he responded:

"You have not given me a reason not to believe you, James. So naturally, I do"

There was a short silence during which James wished he was better at showing people what he really felt. If only Dumbledore knew how much it meant, how important it was, that someone believed him...

"Thank you" he finally said and Dumbledore nodded slightly before saying:

"I am also aware of the fact that you do not think that the two death eaters who murdered your parents are behind the attack on you in Hogsmeade"

For several reasons, James had no idea what to say. He'd like to know where Dumbledore had gathered this piece of information and wondered whether the headmaster had a completely different opinion on the matter.

Did he think that those two death eaters actually _were_ behind the attack? But why?

James tried to look anywhere but at Lily when he responded:

"If they were interested in hurting me they would have done so... that night"

He tried not to think about how weak his voice sounded and was almost relieved when Dumbledore replied, since it at least seemed to make Lily turn to look at headmaster instead.

"Did you ever consider the fact that they might have been given new orders? Or that they, simply put, didn't bother following them the last time?"

James pressed his lips hard together. He knew where Dumbledore was heading with all this and as true as it probably was, he didn't like to hear any of it. It had been almost half a year since his parents died and yet it was still too exhausting to dwell on the fact that Lord Voldemort was getting stronger and stronger each day.

Besides, if the darkest wizard of all time was after him there really wasn't much he could do about it.

"No" James mumbled, glancing up at Dumbledore. "No, I didn't think of that"

"I have personally discussed the matter with the Head of The Auror Office and as you probably know they are still doing everything they can do find them"

James stopped himself from letting out a snort. He knew perfectly well how little information he'd been able to give the aurors when they asked him questions about what happened that night; the description "one male and one female" wouldn't get them very far. And nothing had changed since then, unless one counted the fact that he constantly heard their voices in his nightmares...

"They have two aurors patrolling Hogsmeade and the local area should they come back" Dumbledore finished, interrupting his thoughts.

James, who still didn't understand why the headmaster seemed so willing to put his whole heart into this, muttered:

"Whoever did it must have been gotten help from someone at Hogwarts. How else would they know that I was going to Hogsmeade?"

"It could be luck" Lily suddenly suggested.

James jumped at the sound of her voice, seeing as he'd almost forgotten that she was in the room. Dumbledore nodded silently.

"It could be, ms Evans. Or maybe, they simply got the wrong person. Maybe James was not even their target"

James desperately wanted to believe this, but something stopped him. For ever since that day in Hogsmeade he'd had a bad feeling about all this and no matter how much he wanted to he just couldn't shake it off.

"Or..." Dumbledore continued, causing James and Lily hold onto his every word. "They have one or several sources here at Hogwarts"

_The slytherins _a little voice inside James' head whispered. _Their parents are death eaters and they've always hated you. _

But he didn't speak his theory out loud, for two reasons. Dumbledore, the _headmaster_, was not very likely to hold accusations against some of his students without proof. He probably wouldn't believe James anyway, seeing as he was going on and on about house unity.

Not to mention the fact that Lily would kill him if he accused Snape.

James could tell from the look on Dumbledore's face that he didn't have much more to say and soon he stood up and waved his wand. The teapot and the cups suddenly disappeared.

"It's getting late and I am sure that you want to make sure you get your rest before the big game tomorrow. Good luck, by the way"

He suddenly sounded very cheerful and James smiled weakly, having almost forgotten all about the game against Slytherin. What if he'd play against a student who, together with his or her death eater parents, was behind the attack on him in Hogsmeade? The thought made him feel sick.

"Thank you" he just mumbled and before leaving the common room Dumbledore said:

"Remember that help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it. Do not be afraid to contact me if there is anything you need. Meanwhile, I'll do my best to look into all this. That's a promise, James"

After a moment, James had to look away from the headmaster's intense gaze, repeated his thanks and even managed to give him a small smile. Then, after having wished him and Lily a good night, Dumbledore disappeared through Godric Gryffindor's portrait.

**Lily**

As soon as Dumbledore had closed the portrait behind him Lily let out a sigh of relief, almost as if she'd been holding her breath during the headmaster's entire visit. She turned to James, who was still quite pale looking, and muttered:

"That was weird... I've never heard that the headmaster has come to visit the Head Boy and Head Girl in their living quarter before"

"Yeah..." James replied quietly and Lily could see the worry etched on his face. "Yeah it was pretty weird"

Lily had no idea what to say and James didn't seem very keen on talking, either. For a short while they both just stood there in silence, lost in their own thoughts. Lily found herself wondering what he was thinking and what he must be going through at the moment. Of course, he must have some idea who was behind the attack...

She cleared her throat, wondering whether trying to comfort him would be a bad thing since they weren't even friends. But seeing him like this without saying a word felt completely wrong, too.

"I'm sure they'll find the person responsible for the attack"

"Or _persons_" James replied without looking at her. "I have no idea how many they were"

This was it. Lily knew that the question she'd been asking herself for weeks was getting dangerously close to slip out of her mouth and there was not much she could do about it. But if she asked, if she spoke her thoughts out loud, she might lose the little trust she'd earned today.

But did it matter? Did she even _care_?

_You care about this, _Lily told herself firmly. _And if you never ask you'll never know._

"Do you think... I mean, could it really be the same persons who..."

_"Who wanted to finish what they started?" "Who murdered your parents?"_

She couldn't say the words out loud. She was already about to cross a line...

"They let me live" James voice was so hollow sounding Lily could barely hear him and he seemed determined to look anywhere but at her. "If they'd wanted me dead they could have just finished me off that night. But I guess if Dumbledore thinks it's them, it could be"

Lily felt paralyzed. She had never heard James speak a word of that night, ever. In fact, she was pretty sure he hadn't even told Sirius much about it. She desperately wanted to say something, something that would make him feel all right, but she had no idea what that might be.

A simple "I'm sorry" had never been enough. And it never would be, either.

Obviously, James could sense her discomfort and got ready to leave their common room.

"It's been a long day" he said shortly. "I'm going to bed"

Before he turned around their gazes locked and at that moment Lily felt sure that none of them would ever forget, but still not speak a word of, what had just been said between the two of them. She had a feeling he'd just opened up more to her than to anyone else.

"Evans"

Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice and when she looked his way she could see that he'd turned around to face her again. She held her breath, waiting.

"Thank you. For believing in me"

He sounded so calm. Honest. Lily found herself lingering onto his every word.

"Don't mention it" she replied, trying to her best to look unbothered. "I'm sure you would have done the same for me"

James didn't say anything and she swallowed, grabbing some courage to speak up again:

"I just... I have a bad feeling about all this"

There was something in his eyes that made her think that this statement didn't surprise him. Still, he slowly repeated:

"A bad feeling?"

Lily nodded, pressing her lips hard together. The words felt almost poisonous, forbidden, when they left her mouth:

"That this is all just the beginning"

**Author's note: Took me a bit longer than usual to get this chapter up, but at least it's a bit longer than they use to be! I've spent the last couple of days in Berlin and therefore I didn't get much time to write.**

**By the way, 100 followers is awesome and it'd mean so much to me if you review and tell me what you think! :) **


	16. The Snow Brings Some Truth

**The Snow Brings Some Truth**

_"I said maybe  
You're gonna be the one that saves me"_

_Oasis - Wonderwall_

When Lily woke up the next morning she found herself rushing over to the window the moment her eyes snapped open - the ground was already covered in white and it was still snowing. She couldn't prevent herself from letting out a small squeal of delight; no matter how old she got she would still always appreciate the first snow of the year. Feeling a lot happier than she had the other night when Dumbledore came to visit Lily hurried to get dressed and then left her bedroom. The common room was deserted and James was nowhere to be seen. She assumed that he'd headed down to the quidditch pitch already.

Did he and the rest of the Gryffindor team had a problem with playing in this weather?

_Of course not, _Lily told herself a moment later as she exited through Godric Gryffindor's portrait. _Given thought of all their practise sessions, they wouldn't even mind if a hurricane was expected._

"Good morning" Alice said cheerfully when Lily sat down next to her at breakfast. "Fancy heading outside later?"

Lily grinned back at her best friend. Thankfully, she was not the only one who still enjoyed snowball fights...

"Count me in, after the game of course. Thank god we have the whole day off"

"Yeah, I bet Dumbledore likes the snow as much as you two" Amelia pointed out and then turned her head to look at Sirius, Remus and Peter who were sitting a few seats away.

"Hey Black! Tell Potter we'd better win today, I bet three galleons on Gryffindor"

Sirius smirked back at her, wearing that confident look on his face that always had Lily reminded of James. Well, before everything happened, that was. The unofficial leader of the Marauders hardly ever looked like that anymore...

"Don't worry, they have worked really hard to prepare for this game. Slytherin doesn't stand a chance"

Meanwhile, Amelia received looks of disbelief from both Lily and Alice. Once she noticed this she raised her eyebrows and shrugged innocently.

"What?" she asked and for a moment Lily was left staring at her, not sure what to say.

"You actually bet _money _on something as stupid as quidditch?" Alice finally asked and Lily hurried to agree.

Amelia rolled her eyes and grabbed a piece of toast before replying:

"It's not stupid. Besides, it was only three galleons! It's not like I'll lose a fortune if Black turns out to be wrong..."

"Yeah but still..." Lily interrupted her, not buying her friend's reason for betting. "Think of the things you could buy for those money! A handful of butterbeers, I'm sure..."

But now it was Amelia's turn to interrupt _her_:

"If quidditch is so _stupid_..." she started, casting another quick glance at the Marauders. "...then why do you insist upon watching the game?"

Lily was not prepared for this question and therefore, she had no idea what to say. Amelia looked awfully smug and kept looking in Sirius' and the others' direction. What was that about?

"Perhaps you just want to watch a certain _someone_ fly..."

Lily, who'd chosen that exact moment to take a sip from her goblet of pumpkin juice, coughed violently and shook her head fiercly. Once she regained her ability to speak she glared at both her friends before choking out:

"That's rubbish and you know it..."

"Is it really?"

Amelia was obviously not prepared to drop the matter and Lily silently wished she hadn't said anything about the betting in the first place. To get it all over with she simply muttered:

"Well, you're all going aren't you? And no matter how boring I find quidditch it's better than spending what could be several hours up here in the castle all alone"

That was actually true. These days, being alone for too long made Lily feel nervous and she was more comfortable around her friends and people that she trusted. Yes, that was the only reason why she wanted to attend the quidditch game. That was it.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Alice suddenly stood up.

"Well, if we want to make it down there in time we'd better go now. The game starts in fifteen minutes"

Lily and Amelia both stood up and, once they'd all wrapped their Gryffindor scarves tightly around their necks and put on their winter cloaks, headed outside to watch some flying and greet the first snow of the year.

**James**

They were down by 40 points. It was not a very big deal, really, but James still hated the thought of it. Gryffindor's second game of the season, against Slytherin, had been going on for almost half an hour and the snow that had started falling some time during the night had not stopped yet. In fact, something close to a storm seemed to be on its way and when stealing a look at the stands James could see that most students and teachers had covered their heads with their cloaks and buried their faces in their scarves.

They could not lose. They just couldn't.

"Not too self-confident now, are you Potter?"

One of the Slytherin chasers, a seventh year named Nott that James had always despised, smirked at him evilly with the Quaffle still in his hand. The slytherins on the stands all cheered when he prepared to, once again, throw it towards the Gryffindor goal posts. However, he was prevented by the Gryffindor chaser Joseph Bell who somehow managed to steal the Quaffle from his opponent and pass it over to James.

"Go on! Take off before the idiot realizes it's gone!" he called and James caught a quick glimpse of the furious look on Nott's face before he did as he was told.

Joseph's actions and words were really all it took for him regain every piece of strengh and confidence he'd ever had. He leaned forward on his broomstick to gain speed, soared towards the Slytherin keeper who suddenly looked very nervous and prepared to throw the Quaffle...

The Gryffindor stands exploded with roars and applauds once he scored. The sounds filled James with feelings he hadn't felt in a very long time - happy feelings. He could do this. _This _was what he was good at. And there was nothing stopping him from making the very best of it...

During the next twenty minutes he managed to score four times, without really knowing exactly _how _it happened. Joseph Bell and the third Gryffindor chaser scored one time each and suddenly, Slytherin were down by 20 points. Meanwhile, the Gryffindor seeker Miranda Williams soared around the pitch, keeping her eyes open for the small, Golden Snitch.

"And that's another goal for Gryffindor!" the commentator called out, having no idea his words made James even happier.

What could possibly go wrong now? They had it. They were going to win this. Tobias Smith and everybody else who'd ever doubted him would have to eat up their every word... He was okay. In fact, he was _fine _again and now it was finally obvious for everyone to see. Nothing wrong, all right.

_Nothing wrong, nothing wrong, nothing wrong..._

The three Gryffindor chasers were in the middle of an offensive when it happened. It went so quick James had no chance trying to stop it, like he always did. Out of nowhere, with the worst possible timing, the images and memories all crashed down on him like a bucket filled with ice cold water. One second his eyes had been focused on the Quaffle in Joseph's hand. The next all he saw was green light. Their terrified screams. Pain and fear like he'd never experienced it before.

Why did this happen now? Why couldn't he _control_ it?

James felt utterly furious with himself when he accidentally dropped the Quaffle. The slytherins booed and then cheered once one of their own chasers caught it.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Joseph exclaimed but James didn't reply.

He pretended like he hadn't heard the question and simply took off on his broomstick again, feeling how his pulse quickened and his heart started to beat abnormally fast. This had never happened to him before. He'd always been able to turn it off when he had to. Was something wrong with him? Did his brain not work like it was supposed to?

He felt sick.

That's when his eyes accidentally met a pair of green ones on the Gryffindor stands. Lily looked right back at him, furrowing almost as if she was trying to figure him out. Then, she gave him a small smile and remarkably enough, James could feel his breathing going back to normal again. He felt strangely... calm. All she'd done was look at him and suddenly he could focus again.

The game. They needed to win.

Slytherin had scored three more times but it didn't take long before James got ahold of the Quaffle. Now, both teams had 80 points. The commentator barely had time to announce it, however, before Miranda soared past James' ear, the Slytherin seeker following close behind.

It was over in a heartbeat. Miranda had caught the Snitch and Gryffindor had won the game. The stands erupted into louder applauds than ever before and when James looked at the teachers he could tell that most of them wore wide smiles on their faces, too. He couldn't help grinning as he and the rest of his team landed on the ground to take part in the celebrations.

Just like with the game against Ravenclaw they'd done it. At that moment, quidditch was all that mattered. When James stood there, smiling so widely he thought his face might split in two, he knew it would all be okay. What had happened before was nothing, thanks to Lily Evans.

**Lily**

It was in the midst of cheering Gryffindor students making their way back to the school that Lily spotted him. Snape was standing there, casually leaning against a tree but still looking very focused as he kept glancing around. He seemed concentrated. Like he was searching for something. Lily's heart skipped a beat once her brain put two and two together.

He was searching for her.

As if on cue their eyes met and she didn't have time look away before Snape had motioned for her to come and join him. Lily hesitated. She'd told herself again and again that she'd had enough of him and that she'd completely ignore him this year. Still, there was a part of her that was curious of what he might have to say. Snape hadn't tried getting her attention once this term and whilst she appreciated that Lily wondered what was so important that he had to bring it up now, right after the quidditch game that his house team had lost with 150 points.

Why was he suddenly willing to swallow his pride?

Telling her friends a quick "I'll be back" Lily slowly made her way over to her former best friend, feeling like she was approaching a dangerous wild animal. She had no idea what this might lead to and what he might say or do. Was this a bad idea? The thoughts kept spinning through her head and before she knew it most students had left the grounds and once she reached Snape they were almost the only ones left.

"Hello Lily" he said, glancing down as if he were afraid to meet her gaze.

She tried really hard not to think about the awkwardness within the situation.

"Snape" she replied cooly and as soon as she spoke his name the painful memory entered her mind once again:

_"I don't need your help, mudblood"_.

She still hated him for that. So much.

Snape cleared his throat and once their gazes locked his black eyes betrayed him; Lily saw how nervous he was. Was he really going to try to apologize _again_? And why now?

"I just... I figured it's been so long since we talked..."

"That's because I have nothing to say to you" Lily interrupted him, grabbing her wand inside her robes out of pure instinct. "I'm nothing but a filthy _mudblood_ to you, remember?"

Snape sighed heavily, hands in his pockets and with a look of defeat on his pale face.

"I thought you might have forgotten about that..."

"I will never forget it"

She knew that that was the truth. She would never forget that day. She would always remember how something had broken inside of her at his words. She'd felt so betrayed, stupid and pathetic for believing that he actually trusted her the way she trusted him...

Feeling like she had to say something only to hide her weakness, Lily added:

"But it doesn't matter anymore. 'Cause even if you hadn't said it, our friendship would have ended at some point. You know I'll never accept the path you've chosen, Sev..."

She hadn't meant to call him by his first name but he barely seemed to notice. Instead, Snape hurried to open his mouth and pointed out:

"How do you know I'm still like that? How do you know _anything _about me now that we never talk to each other anymore?"

He had a point, Lily had to admit that. But it was not enough. Far from it, actually.

"I've seen who you hang around with" she said quietly, glancing down at her shoes only so she wouldn't have to interpret the look on his face. "And it's not like I don't hear things, Sev. I know what you've done..."

"We haven't bothered you and your friends once this year!"

"Then what about what happened in the corridor before Potions a few months ago?" Lily hadn't meant to say that but there was no turning back now. "I wouldn't exactly say that that proves that you and your friends have changed..."

Snape stared at her, looking very confused.

"What are you talking about?"

Dear Merlin, why did she bring this up? It most certainly had nothing to do with this and Snape would definitely want to know why she even cared... But there was no going back now. She had to prove her point and so Lily swallowed before saying:

"Bellatrix Lestrange... She said those things to Potter about his parents, not too long after they'd died. And you and the others just stood there..."

"So now you're defending _Potter_? After everything he's done?"

The words sounded almost poisonous when they left Snape's mouth and he looked utterly disgusted.

Lily opened and closed her own mouth several times, not sure what to say. However, the bad memory of Snape was suddenly replaced with newer, lighter ones. James apologizing for how he'd acted during the prefect meeting. James not bothering her once during their work together in Potions. James laughing at her childhood anecdotes in Hogsmeade. James opening up to her, admitting he had weaknesses just like everybody else...

"All I'm saying is that people can change"

Her voice was so low she wasn't sure Snape had heard her at first. But then he just snorted loudly and crossed his arms defiantly.

"Potter hasn't changed" he snapped. "He's just using his parents' death as a big fat excuse to make everybody feel sorry for him. And it's obviously working"

He nodded towards Lily who, once again, remained speechless. The images in her mind were replaced and she thought of everything she and the wizard standing in front of her had once shared. She thought of their childhood, how things went awfully wrong and where they were standing now. How did it come to this?

"How can you say that?"

Her words came out as a mere whisper and to her great surprise, Snape paled and his eyes widened. Almost as if he couldn't believe what he'd just said.

"I'm sorry, Lily, I..."

"NO!" She was angry now, too angry to care about the consequences. "Perhaps it was one of your friends who did it? Their parents take credit for being murderers, don't they? And it's probably the same person who attacked him in Hogsmeade..."

"I had nothing to do with that!"

Snape had raised his voice now, too. For a moment, they were left staring at each other in silence. Then, an awful realization hit Lily and her heart started to pound remarkably faster.

"But you know who did it?"

There was another silence, even more painful this time. She was scared to death of his answer. Snape opened his mouth to reply and then closed it again. His eyes narrowed and he took a step towards her.

"This was a mistake" he said, voice cold as ice.

Then, before Lily could really say or do anything, he was gone. She spent the next couple of minutes in the exact same position at the very same place, feeling strangely numb. Eventually, Alice showed up with a worried look on her face.

"There you are! What took you so long?"

"Snape"

Why was her voice so hollow sounding? Alice gave her friend a weird look.

"I thought you said you'd never speak to him again" she pointed out and Lily sighed heavily, replying through clenched teeth:

"I know I did. But things don't always go as planned"

"You're right about that, Evans"

At the sound of Sirius' voice Lily and Alice both spun around. He and the other three Marauders, James included this time, were standing a few metres away. Sirius grinned widely and Lily barely had time to spot the snowball in his right hand before it came soaring towards her...

**James**

He had told Sirius again and again that this wasn't a good idea. From previous years James had learned that Lily seemed to love the snow just as much as he did - but that did not mean she would appreciate being hit by a snowball right after what had seemed like a quite intense conversation with Snape.

What had they talked about, anyway?

To James' great surprise however, Lily did not scream at Sirius. She did not look angry and she did not grab her wand. She simply stood there, staring at the four Marauders in disbelief and opening and closing her mouth several times. James was expecting an outburst any second now...

He was hit right in the fact with a big, ice cold and wet snowball and yet all he could focus on was the lovely laugh still ringing in his ears. Her laugh. Lily Evans had decided to join the game and it didn't take long before James realized that she and Alice both seemed to be quite good at snowball fights...

Hell, even Remus seemed to be enjoying himself and had completely forgotten about his bag full of library books that would surely be his death if Madam Pince discovered they were all wet. Shortly after the quidditch game James' worries had returned and he'd, once again, started thinking about the memories he hadn't been able to push to the back of his mind.

But Lily's face, her laugh and smile changed all that. He remembered how he'd looked into her eyes and everything had suddenly just seemed... fine. Whenever she was near he felt okay. Safe and strong. And that's what he desperately wished to tell her when they were all making their way up to the castle several hours later, clothes soaking wet but really happy that the first snow had finally come.

**Lily**

"Ugh! I'm soaking wet!" Alice exclaimed as soon as she and Lily entered the Gryffindor common room.

The latter had decided to join her friend for a while, feeling like she desperately needed to share what Snape had accidentally told her earlier... Once she and Alice had both gotten into some dry clothes they sat down in their favorite armchairs in front of the fireplace, sipping on some hot chocolate that one of the school house-elves had brought for them. Lily made sure that the common room was almost deserted before she started telling Alice everything that had happened between her and Snape earlier.

Well, she left out the part where she questioned her own decision to blame Snape for what Bellatrix Lestrange had said to James in the corridor before Potions several months earlier. Lily still didn't know why she'd done it or why it even bothered her. James himself had bullied people countless of times, hadn't he?

_He deserved it_, a little voice inside her head whispered. _Snape was right not to interfere._

_No_, Lily told herself again and again. _He didn't deserve it. No matter what he's done in the past nobody deserves being treated like that. Ever._

Once she was done with her story Alice looked both confused and doubtful. She furrowed and seemed to be looking for the right way to express herself. Eventually, Lily helped her out:

"What is it?"

Alice hesitated and then, taking a small sip from her hot chocolate, she started:

"I don't know Lily, it's just... How can you be so sure that that meant that Snape _did _know who attacked James in Hogsmeade? Perhaps he was just mad with you for jumping to conclusions and..."

"You didn't see his face" Lily interrupted her friend, shaking her head slowly. "Alice I've known him for over seven years, I can tell when he's hiding something"

Alice was silent for a moment, obviously contemplating her friend's words. Eventually, she asked the question Lily had already asked herself a hundred times that day:

"Are you going to tell James?"

Lily remained silent. Eventually, Alice continued:

"'Cause I don't know if I would have. I mean, you and James might be civil towards each other these days but you're still not _friends_, are you?"

"No" Lily said, feeling a strange sense of disappointment at this statement. "No, we're not. And even if I did tell him, what would I say? Snape _might _know who attacked you in Hogsmeade and it just _might _be the same person who killed your parents?"

When her friend didn't say anything Lily spent some time going through the possible scenario in her head. Then, she shook her head absentmindedly and mumbled:

"It's too much. I'm not sure Potter can handle that"

She didn't notice the weird and yet interested look her friend gave her at these words. Then, Alice actually smiled to herself and said:

"You know, this might sound... barking mad but I was actually having a great time today. Potter and the others are not so bad once you get to know them"

She cast Lily another quick glance which the latter did not returned. She smiled back, though.

"Yeah... It was nice"

For the rest of the night the thoughts kept spinning through Lily's head. What did Snape know and how would she get him to tell her about it? And above all, should she tell James? Then, another thought crossed her mind. A year ago, the mere idea of telling James _anything _would have made her laugh.

_I guess people really __**can **__change, _Lily thought to herself as she made her way back to her own dorm several hours later. And despite feeling worried about everything she'd found out this day, she couldn't help smiling to herself when she remembered the actual snowball fight she'd had with James Potter and his friends.

Everything was heading in a completely new direction but for the first time ever, she was not so sure that that was a bad thing.

**Author's note: I've had A LOT of schoolwork to attend to during the past couple of weeks and that's the main reason why it's taken me so long to update. I'm actually graduating from the Swedish version of high school in less than a week and even though I'm really excited that feeling is sort of mixed with sadness, angst etc lol. There are so many great persons that I'll miss! :(**

**Anyway, thanks for reading! From this point, James' and Lily's relationship will start moving forward faster... If you have time you're more than welcome to leave a review and tell me what you think, as always! :) **


	17. Coming Home

**Coming Home**

_"Daylight licked me into shape  
I must have been asleep for days  
And moved the lips to breathe her name  
I opened up my eyes"_

_The Cure - Just Like Heaven_

Considering everything that had happened in the past, it was not easy for Lily to admit that James had handled this term's last prefect meeting surprisingly well. He seemed to have listened intently to everything she had to say and he even came up with some suggestions of his own when they started discussing the patrolling schedule. To say she was surprised, not to mention shocked, was an understatement. It was all proof of what she'd been guessing ever since the snowball fight a while ago: James was feeling better.

The two of them stayed behind once the prefects had all wished them a merry Christmas and exited the classroom and Lily felt like she ought to say something, anything, to let him know how happy she was for him.

"This went well"

God, she sounded like someone who could never just swallow her pride and admit that someone else had actually done a great job. Hopefully, Potter would understand anyway. He was not stupid, after all...

"Yeah..." James said, packing his things together. "It's a good thing Smith knew how to keep his mouth shut"

"It's a good thing Dumbledore didn't make a mistake, making you Head Boy"

Lily didn't know why she said it, but when she saw the look on James' face she knew it was the right thing to do. He looked pleased, _happy_ even. She gave him a brief smile and, thinking that talking to James wasn't so bad after all, added:

"It'll be nice going home, don't you think?"

**James**

Lily's question surprised him, and he was shocked that she wanted to speak to him at all when she didn't have to. Once he'd taken in in her actual words, he remembered all the previous Christmases that he'd spent with his parents. Each year his mother had insisted upon buying a huge Christmas tree; it was almost as big as the ones at Hogwarts. Each year James was just as excited about exchanging gifts and each year he was reminded of the importance of spending the holidays with your family. To him, Christmas had always been one of the best times of the year.

Now it only made all the bad things seem worse.

Because this year none of his parents would be there. He wouldn't be able to give them anything and he wouldn't get anything in return. This year, James would not spend Christmas with the two people he loved the very most and as far as he was concerned he didn't need a Christmas tree or anything else that reminded him of how things used to be.

"Yeah..." he finally said, having almost forgotten that Lily was still in the room and waited for him to say something. "Yeah, it'll be great"

**Lily**

Lily didn't join James when he decided to head back to their common room. She needed to borrow a book in the library that she was desperate to read during the holidays. Lily knew that the old James would snort or even laugh at that excuse, but now he merely shrugged and waved at her before he disappeared around the corner.

Without really knowing why, Lily sighed heavily. Surely, he had not always been this hard to figure out? And naturally, she didn't want him to care. She didn't _want _him to try and convince her to come with him and forget about the library. She didn't _want _James to be interested in her. Right?

_No, _Lily told herself. _No, no and no. _

She hadn't walked very far before a door on her right opened and she jumped at the sound. The corridor was dark and she was the only person there. Without her wand out it was hard to tell who the newcomer was...

"Miss Evans! A moment, please"

Lily relaxed slightly, but couldn't help furrowing, when she realized that it was professor Mc Gonagall speaking. She slowly made her way towards the door that stood ajar and peaked inside. Without realizing it, she'd walked right past the Transfiguration teacher's office. Lily had never been there before. She had never been much of a pranker and had always cared about her studies. Therefore, Mc Gonagall had never had a reason to summon her.

_I bet Potter and Black have been in here so many times Mc Gonagall has lost count, _Lily thought to herself whilst she sat down on a chair that her head of house had just conjured out of thin air. Mc Gonagall herself was now seated behind her desk and eyed Lily, who suddenly felt like a criminal, carefully. Then, she waved her wand again and the door closed behind them.

What was all this about?

"I heard you had this term's last prefect meeting tonight" Mc Gonagall said, causing Lily to raise her eyebrows in surprise.

_That's _what this was about?

"Um... yes professor" she replied slowly.

"And...?" Mc Gonagall asked, sounding curious now. "How did it go?"

"It went really well" Lily admitted, knowing that that was nothing but the whole truth. "We talked about next term's patrolling schedule and we're thinking about having a ball around Easter..."

"I see" Mc Gonagall said, nodding. "I'm sure that the suggestion of a ball will make professor Dumbledore delighted. We could really need one these days, with all these bad things going on..."

Lily didn't say anything. She knew what the older witch was talking about. Only yesterday she'd read about two murders and four new disappearences in _The Daily Prophet... _Was it ever going to end? Sometimes it all just felt completely hopeless...

"And Potter?"

Mc Gonagall's question caught Lily completely off guard and she stared at her teacher.

"What about him, professor?"

Slowly, Mc Gonagall removed her glasses and eyed Lily for a moment before she said:

"Well, it should hardly come as a surprise to you that he has had some trouble... adjusting to everyday life this year. He's still behind in many classes so I was merely wondering if..."

"He did great"

Had she just said that?

There was a short silence and Lily felt a strong urge to cover her own mouth even though she was pretty sure she'd done the right thing. James _had _done really well earlier tonight and apparently, he needed all the credit he could get. Mc Gonagall raised her eyebrows in surprise and looked rather skeptical, almost as if she believed that Lily was lying for James' sake.

"Really?"

"Really" Lily assured her, suddenly feeling eager to prove her point. "He was actually really focused and even came up with some suggestions of his own. In fact, I think being Head Boy suits him really well"

Merlin, if someone had told her a year ago that she would sit in the deputy headmistress' office and say _that..._

There was another silence. Apparently, Mc Gonagall was at a loss for words, too. This was obviously not what she'd expected.

"Well..." she finally said, once again putting on her glasses. "I'm glad. I was worried that it... that it might be too much for him, given thought of everything that he's been through"

"Well maybe he really needs it, _because of_ everything that he's been through" The words left Lily's mouth before she had time to re-consider them. "Maybe he needs to feel that he's still important. That he matters"

It was difficult to say how much time that passed by. When Lily sat there, looking right into the older witch's eyes, she'd forgotten all about the library and everything else, for that matter. The only thing she could think about was what Mc Gonagall would say next. Would she ask any questions that she, Lily, would not be able to answer? For she did not know why she was saying any of this. It just seemed like the right thing to do and ever since she was a child Lily had been taught to follow her heart...

"I have noticed that you and Mr Potter seem to be on better terms than before" Mc Gonagall eventually said.

There it was. It was not a question and yet Lily knew that she was supposed to say something. But what could she possibly say? Of course, what Mc Gonagall said was nothing but the truth but she still didn't know _how _it had happened, _when _her feelings for James had changed or _why _she even let any of these thoughts cross her mind.

How was she supposed to explain something that she didn't even understand herself?

"He's... different" she finally told Mc Gonagall, her voice so low it was probably hard to make out the words. "He's stopped playing pranks on everything that moves, he's stopped bullying people who don't deserve it and he no longer seems to think that he owns the world. He's stopped asking me out..."

Once again, she spoke without thinking. She hadn't planned to say that last part out loud, but it was too late now. Judging from the look on Mc Gonagall's face she'd heard every word. The older witch opened and closed her mouth several times before she finally said:

"I see..."

"Not that I want him to" Lily added hastily. "I think it's great that he's finally acting his age and..."

"You don't have to explan yourself to me, miss Evans" Mc Gonagall said calmly, holding up her hand to silence her student. "Whatever's going on between you and Mr Potter..."

"Nothing's going on between us!"

"... is none of my business. Now, it's getting late and you should probably go to bed if you want to catch some sleep before the train leaves tomorrow morning. Good night"

Without another word, Mc Gonagall waved her wand again and the door leading into her office burst open. Lily knew that the meeting was over and she stood up so quickly one might think she'd burned herself on the chair. She turned around to leave, but stopped dead in her tracks with her hand on the doorhandle.

She desperately wanted to say something, she wanted to explain, but she had no idea how. And so, when she finally gave up and left her Transfiguration teacher's office, she could not see how the older witch smiled to herself.

**Lily**

Lily was grateful that she and Alice had an entire compartment to themselves on their ride back to London. For some reason Amelia, Rebecca and the rest of their closest friends had decided to sit somewhere else and it actually turned out to be a really good thing. That way, Lily and her very best friend could play Exploding Snap and read articles from _Witch Weekly _out loud without bothering anyone.

Also, Lily had some time to talk to her friend alone about her James Potter-related problem. Even though she'd seen him the previous night (and many times before that) she still hadn't told him what Snape had said to her right after the quidditch game.

Was that wrong of her?

"But let's just say that Snape actually _does _know who attacked Potter in Hogsmeade!" Lily insisted for what seemed like the hundredth time.

Alice rolled her eyes but didn't look up from her magazine when she replied:

"Which you can never be sure of..."

Lily ignored her friend's reply and continued:

"Shouldn't I tell Potter about it? Doesn't he deserve to know that someone, other than the people who did it, knows the truth?"

Alice, who seemed to have realized that her best friend wouldn't give up just yet, sighed heavily and looked Lily in the eye when she suggested:

"Maybe Snape was just lying to you. Maybe _he's _the one who did it..."

"Well, in that case Potter deserves to know about that, too" Lily interrupted her firmly.

Truth to be told, she was surprised by her own certainity. A year ago she wouldn't have dreamt of choosing James over Snape, but now it just felt... natural. If Snape had done something wrong, James deserved the truth. And that was that.

"And what do you think James will do if he finds out?" Alice asked, interrupting her thoughts. "I'm pretty sure he won't exactly be happy with you for not telling him earlier. Besides, he and Black will probably try to take revenge in the worst possible way..."

"No" Lily said, shaking her head fiercly. "No, Ja... Potter doesn't do stuff like that anymore, does he? I'm sure he'd be very rational about it all..."

Alice snorted loudly.

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that... Ever wondered how _you _would react if you were attacked from behind by someone? Surely you wouldn't just let the person responsible go free, if you knew who it was?"

Lily was silent for a moment, contemplating her friend's words. Maybe Alice was right. Maybe telling James would, in fact, make everything worse. But then again...

"Dumbledore came to talk to us after it happened. You could tell that he was... bothered by it all"

She hadn't told her friend this before and ignored the look of surprise on her face when continuing:

"What if the people who attacked Potter in Hogsmeade are also the ones who killed his parents? What if I know something that could help the aurors fill up some cells in Azkaban?"

"But you _don't _really know _anything_, Lily" Alice reminded her quietly, slowly folding her magazine together as they were now approaching King's Cross Station. "What Snape told you is nothing to go on and if you tell Potter he'll... Things will just get worse again, won't they? It's not like he can force Snape to tell him anything"

The train came to a halt and Lily absentmindedly stared out the window, trying to make sense of the thoughts spinning through her head. Before she knew it, students had started getting off the train and she spotted James on the platform. He seemed to be talking about something important with Sirius, who eventually gave him a huge grin which James, surprisingly enough, returned.

It was the smile on his face, the light in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a very long time, that caused Lily to make up her mind. For now, Alice was right. James still needed to focus on dealing with his loss and bringing up Severus Snape and his theories would only make things bad again. James didn't deserve that.

In fact, at that specific moment, Lily felt like he deserved nothing but the very best. And she desperately wanted to be the one who gave it all to him.

**James**

Not much happened on the train ride back to London. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter spent most of it examining some objects Sirius had bought at Zonko's and discussed the quidditch game against Slytherin. Even though it had been a while James still heard students (mostly gryffindors) talk about it every day and every now and then someone came up to him and told him that he was doing a great job as team captain. Those kind words did not mean as much as they would have a year ago, but James still appreciated it.

Of course, none of his fellow classmates knew that there was a split moment when James had lost control...

Even though he didn't feel ready to talk to anyone about it, he had noticed a change in himself during the very last couple of weeks. The snowball fight with Lily and the others seemed to have triggered it and ever since then there were days when James could actually smile and laugh without feeling as if it were all part of some huge lie. There were times when he felt truly excited and enthusiastic when Sirius suggested pranks they could pull on the slytherins and quidditch was no longer just a distraction. It was fun again.

One would think that this would all make James really happy and even though he was grateful there was another feeling he could not fully ignore: guilt. Even though he, somewhere inside, knew that it was wrong he could not help feeling guilty when laughing with his friends. He could not help feeling guilty when something as trivial as his NEWT exams actually seemed to matter again and he could not help feeling guilty when he found himself staring at Lily whenever she passed him by in the corridors.

Was he allowed to feel that way when it had not even been six months since his parents were _murdered _for fighting for justice, peace and what they knew was right?

James' grief had changed but it was still very much alive and present. He could not really decide how he felt about anything anymore and the confusion alone was exhausting. Also, he didn't know what it would be like coming back to his aunt's house. Surely, it would be harder to keep his spirits up without Sirius' jokes, Remus reminding him to do his homework and Lily's mere presence?

Not to mention he would have a lot of time to worry about what had really happened during the quidditch match against Slytherin. Why had he lost control of his thoughts? That question had been on his mind a lot lately...

The train arrived at platform 9 and 3/4 before noon and the four marauders grabbed their trunks and jumped off the train within minutes. Remus and Peter had both spotted their parents and went to say hi. For a short while, James and Sirius were left alone and there was an awkward silence that James knew too well by now. It always erupted whenever they both realized that Sirius, once again, didn't really have anywhere to go. Now that his older brother Regulus had finished Hogwarts his parents would not even show up at King's Cross and Sirius surely didn't want them to, seeing as he'd run away from home the year before.

"So..." James started, silently cursing himself for not having thought about it earlier. "Where are you going now?"

"Remus' place" Sirius replied, wearing that look on his face that James knew he put on whenever he wanted to seem completely unbothered. "His parents are really nice, they said I could spend Christmas there and everything"

He nodded towards Mr and Mrs Lupin who were standing a few meters away with their son, obviously waiting for Sirius to join them. James, who'd known Sirius for many years know, could hear on his voice that something was not right.

"And then?" he asked. "Where will you go after Christmas?"

Sirius avoided his gaze when muttering:

"They're going to visit some relatives in January. I suppose I'll have to leave by then"

James stared at him, not sure of what to say. He knew that Sirius hated being a burden to anyone. That didn't change the facts, though: after Christmas he would have nowhere to go. And even if Remus would spend the entire holiday at home, there was a full moon coming up. It was not safe for Sirius to keep a werewolf company without James and Peter there to help him in case something went wrong...

Suddenly, James heard his father's deep and clever voice inside his head: _If you know that a friend is in trouble and you can do something about it: act. Take a moment when you don't think about yourself and your own needs. Do what you have to do in order to help. It'll be worth it._

"You can come stay with me once they've left" James said.

"What?" Sirius looked up, eyes widening slightly. "I thought you wouldn't want..."

"Well, you thought wrong" James interrupted him firmly. "I do want you to come and stay with us. If that's what _you_ want, of course"

His best friend could only bring himself to nod silently.

"I have no idea where else I would go..." he said, laughing hollowly. "It's not like I can show up at Grimmauld Place after all this time... Not that I want to... But are you sure that you don't want... you know, some time alone?"

He looked uncertain but James stood his ground. He was happy that Sirius realized that things still weren't what they once had been, but right now that did not matter. _Take a moment when you don't think about yourself._

"I'm sure. It'll be fun having a friend over" he said, grinning slightly. "Like old times"

Sirius looked like he'd just found the whole Slytherin quidditch team tied up by Peeves in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and at that moment James knew he'd done the right thing. He was sure that his aunt wouldn't mind one bit. In fact, she would probably just be relieved that he was willing to spend time with his friends again.

Suddenly remembering that she was here to pick him up, he grabbed his trunk again and said goodbye to Sirius.

"I'll see you in January. Send me an owl when you know what date you'll arrive"

"I sure will. Merry Christmas mate"

"Merry Christmas"

As James walked over to his aunt he caught sight of Lily being embraced by her parents, looking happier than she had in a long time. He supposed that's what people felt like these days. With all the murders, disappearances and Lord Voldemort growing stronger nobody could be sure of when they would see their loved ones next time...

He, too, was met by a warm and long embrace before his aunt grabbed his shoulders to get a proper look at him. She was smiling widely and James couldn't help feeling like some of the worry he was so used to seeing in her eyes had vanished.

"How are you?" she asked.

Maybe it was the sight of Lily, or maybe it was something else entirely. Either way, James suddenly didn't feel the need to lie. He merely gave his aunt a weak smile and felt completely honest when he replied:

"I'm okay"

Right now, he was okay. Not _fine_. Not yet. But "okay" was still better than he'd felt in a very long time. And for now, it would have to do. It was as simple as that.

"Come on" his aunt said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Let's go home"

**James**

"I made Shephard's Pie, I remember that used to be one of your favorite years ago"

James' aunt put the food on the table before sitting down opposite him and he couldn't deny that it all looked delicious. Still, he wasn't feeling very hungry. He managed to give her a small smile and said:

"Yeah, it looks great. Thank you"

They ate in silence for what seemed like a really long time. Eventually, his aunt put her fork down and sighed heavily.

"You didn't like it?" she asked and as James furrowed she nodded towards his plate. "You've barely touched your food, James"

"No, it's not that" James replied, shaking his head fiercly.

He didn't want her to think that he didn't like her food. After everything she'd done for him during the past six months, that was the last thing she deserved.

His aunt remained silent, but James could tell from the look on her face that she wanted him to explain himself. And of course she deserved that, too. He took a deep breath, thinking that he might as well hurry to get it all out while he still had the courage:

"Something... happened when we played quidditch against Slytherin a while ago"

His aunt raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"What do you mean?" she asked bluntly.

James hesitated. Would she think he was mad? Ask to have him locked up, say that he was not allowed to return to Hogwarts? And what if she'd be right? What if he had, in fact, lost it? What if everything he'd been through had made him... different? He was scared to death and he had no idea how to show it. Therefore, it was probably better not to.

"I was... so focused on the game..." he started quietly. "All I could think about was making sure that Gryffindor would win and I soared towards the goal posts with the Quaffle in my hand and..."

He drifted off. How was he supposed to continue? He could still back out, say that he'd just made it all up. But then, he would never stop thinking about it. And he'd probably go mad, anyway...

"... and this image of... of what happened to mum and dad just pops into my head out of nowhere" His was was very low now, barely audiable. "Suddenly, I saw this green light and I... I lost control of my thoughts. It's never happened before. I've always been able to, you know, turn it off. But not this time"

After a few seconds James looked up at his aunt, who still remained silent. She eyed him carefully, but it was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

"I lost control" James continued, barely realizing how fast he spoke just to get it all over with. "And it was really scary"

There, he'd said it. He'd told the whole truth and he'd even admitted how he _felt_, his aunt should be amazed by that... However, James did not expect her to give him some spectacular advice. What could she possibly say,_"Congratulations, you're an idiot"_? How normal was it to have random images pop into your mind at any time? As long as she didn't tell anyone about it...

"Do you know what posttraumatic stress is?"

Her words interrupted his thoughts and he was left staring at her, confused.

"No" he finally admitted, wondering where this was going.

She'd mentioned the word "stress", but did she really think that all this happened simply because he was stressed out? No way...

His aunt took a deep breath.

"Sometimes... when people experience something very... threatening or frightening it takes some time before things go back to normal. You can have flashbacks, nightmares or constantly feel afraid that..."

"I'm not afraid" James interrupted her. "Things can hardly get any worse, right?"

He wasn't sure whether he'd meant it as a joke, but still tried to give his aunt a grin. The hollow laugh that escaped his lips made him feel sick as he realized the truth in his own words. If he'd felt "okay" earlier, he certainly wasn't anymore. When had that changed?

His aunt still didn't touch her food. In fact, she eyed James as if he alone was the only thing in the entire world that mattered. He was used to her wearing a serious face expression, but not like this. Her voice was low and yet perfectly clear when she asked:

"Is that how it feels?"

"No" James stared down at his food. "That's how it _is_"

"You keep forgetting that you're still here, James. You're alive and you're well, and that means that things could _definitely _get worse" his aunt said calmly.

He felt a sudden need to push his plate off the table, stand up and scream his lungs out. _"WELL? YOU THINK I'M __**WELL**__? YOU THINK I ENJOY LIVING MY LIFE LIKE THIS, YOU THINK I'M PERFECTLY FINE?"_

_Well, what else is she to believe? _the persistent little voice inside James' head whispered. _Before today that's the only thing you've ever told her. It's the only thing you've ever told anyone who's asked. Liar._

Well, James had had to lie. The truth had always been too much to handle.

"Mc Gonagall sent me a letter earlier today" his aunt suddenly told him. "Apparently, Lily Evans thinks you're doing a great job as Head Boy"

James didn't know what to say, or do. He opened and closed his mouth at least seven times before one single word finally escaped his lips:

"Wh... _what_?"

His aunt simply nodded, looking quite unbothered by the whole thing. Almost like the news didn't even surprise her.

"I always knew you could do it, of course" she said. "The only problem was you doubting yourself. And apparently, you're no longer failing Transfiguration which is a very good thing indeed. It was always one of your best subjects, wasn't it?"

The thoughts kept spinning through James' head. He was so flabbergasted he had no idea what to say. The fact that he was no longer failing Transfiguration shouldn't have come as a surprise - ever since his meeting with Mc Gonagall he knew he had to pay more attention in her classes. And with Remus helping him out with his homework whenever he asked for it, it was not that bad.

But _Lily_ saying that he did a "great job" as Head Boy? Why had Mc Gonagall talked to her about it in the first place and why would Lily lie? James was not a great Head Boy, even though their last meeting had been a huge success compared to the one where he'd gotten into a fight with that idiot Tobias Smith...

Why would Lily do that?

He didn't understand it and yet a warm feeling, one he hadn't felt in a very long time, spread through his body. It felt strange and yet comfortably familiar, like a part of his former life... A feeling he only felt whenever Lily was around. Pure affection.

She was still as perfect as she'd ever been.

**Author's note: I'm so relieved to finally have posted this! I think I've suffered from a short but still really annoying writer's block during these past couple of weeks. Also, I've recently spent over two weeks in California and it was so AMAZING I sort of forgot about everything else, hehe. I guess this is more of a filler-chapter, even though James and Lily both reach some conclusions...**

**As you've probably noticed, James is very confused right now and he does not really know how he feels about anything. From what I know that's what grieving is like sometimes. One second you feel happy and perfectly fine and the next reality comes crashing down on you again. Anyway, things are slowly getting better from here!**

**If you liked it (or just care to make me happy hehe) you're more than welcome to leave a review and/or follow this story. 120 followers and 87 reviews is a lot to me and I would love some more! :)**

**Thanks for reading! **


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